


Man. {y.kh}

by smoshyphantrash



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Female Yoo Kihyun, Forced Pregnancy, Gen, Implied/Referenced Incest, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Minor Chae Hyungwon/Lee Minhyuk, Miscarriage, Misgendering, Model Chae Hyungwon, Mpreg, Pansexual Character, Pregnancy, Pseudo-Incest, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sad, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Harassment, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Teen Pregnancy, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Yoo Kihyun, Transphobia, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-18
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2019-08-03 21:54:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 30
Words: 48,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16333913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smoshyphantrash/pseuds/smoshyphantrash
Summary: In which Yoo Kihyun is a man, only a man, and nothing other than a man. Despite what his family and peers think of him.





	1. one.

I looked fucking hot today. My button up was perfectly pressed, my pants perfectly fitting on my waist. I looked very handsome and manly today. And then, all my bright confidence shattered like a light bulb slamming against the floor as my mother called for Sora. No matter how much I protested against her, she'd never realize that Sora died long ago.

It's stupid, at this point, to expect that Mama would call for Kihyun, call for me. I truly don't know why I'm expecting her to tell Kihyun to hurry up, or he'll miss the bus. Every school morning, it's the same speech. "Yoo Sora, get your ass down here and hurry before you miss your damn bus." It was almost my late alarm. In her eyes, Kihyun didn't exist. Sora would never be on time for school again. Kihyun would be though.

"I'm coming!" I yelled down the stairs as I sprayed on some cologne of mine.

As soon as I reached the bottom of the stairs, Mama scoffed at me. "Get to the bus stop, Sora." That was the famous scoff of disgust. The disgust with me dressing the way I want. At least I wasn't dressed heavily in gothic or emo attire. I only had a nice hair cut and a button down. 

I bit my lip, standing the front door awkwardly. "Have a good day, Mama." I faked a smile and left my house. Other than to hurry me out of the house, my mother never talked to me. I should've been taking care of myself for how alone I was. I walked to the bus stop, throwing my earbuds in, drowning out the world.

As the bus pulled up, I instantly regretted getting out of bed. I forgot how awful the other citizens that took this bus were. Every day I went to work, I always looked a little bit more feminine than I normally would like to. And those people never let me forget it. I showed my bus pass to the driver before looking at who was on the bus. "If I sit behind you, will you be able to see me in a quick glance?" I asked the driver.

She shrugged me off. "Maybe, but I don't quickly glance often." It wasn't in a rude way, just more of a rushed answer. I decided to sit in the middle of the bus. The bus patrons began filling up as we made a second stop on the way to school. And with that, more men glared at me as they filled seats around me. I set my bag next to me to fill the seat next to me.

"Excuse me," a guy said, approaching me. "Is this seat taken?" 

I looked at him, then at my bag, then back at him. "It's taken by my bag." The man picked my bag up and moved it to the floor. "That wasn't your invitation..." I mumbled, soon becoming too anxious to retort.

I had about half an hour before getting to school. I just tried to ignore my new bus partner as he began pushing me closer to the window. I froze up as his hand rested non-chalantly on my thigh. "I love the Ruby Rose look... Gets me going." I shook my head, trying to ignore him.

Me not saying anything urged him more. I dug my nails into his wrist, causing his hand to seize up. "Get your fucking hands off of me, you bastard."

He scoffed, setting his hand that I was attached to in his lap. My throat ran dry and fear courses through my veins. "Then fix this," he said, ripping his hand from my nails.

"Next stop: Northview High." 

I was getting up before the bus ever stopped. The man grabbed my waist. "And honestly, you can't hide your body under those clothes." The bus lurched to a stop, which set me down in that man's lap. I got up immediately, not leaving room to be grabbed.

I turned to the driver as I left. "Glance back more often, goddamn it." I hurried to get off the bus, running to the entrance of my school. I went straight to the office. I had to take care of some things. "Hey, I just wanted to know is my name is changed on the roster?" I asked the lady at the front desk. 

"What is it supposed to be changed to?" She asked, grabbing a senior homeroom roster.

I smiled softly. "It's getting changed from Yoo Sora to Yoo Kihyun." I watched as she wrote it down. 

"It should be changed within a month, just go up to your teachers before class and tell them your name." I smiled and bowed slightly to her as I left the office.

I went along to my first class, AP Biology. Chae Hyunja was the teacher's name. That name was familiar. As I entered the classroom, my hopes of a better day were shattered. I timidly started walking toward the teacher. "Uhm... H-Hi," I said catching the attention of the teacher.

"Sora!" She smiled. "Oh, how are you?" 

I smiled softly, nervous to talk to her. "Uhm... Well. On the roster, my name says Sora, but I want you to call me Kihyun. If that's not too much trouble. Oh, and uhm... Use masculine pronouns?" Of course it shouldn't be too much trouble. It was a simple thing to do.

She went to say something but was distracted by an email. I sighed, sitting in the back of the classroom. How did I know Mrs. Chae? My mother's best friend. My aunt. I immediately wanted to change teachers or drop the course. I didn't need this class anyway.

The bell rang and Mrs. Chae closed the door. "Good morning class, welcome to AP Biology. I'm going to go through and take attendance then get started on the syllabus." My anxiety engines revved up. "Boo Ara? Present, okay. Chwe Hansol?"

A guy with long curly hair raised his hand and spoke up. "Vernon," he corrected. 

"Ah, yes of course," Mrs. Chae smiled. She ran through to Kim until she heard another correction. Another Hansol, this one named Minsung instead. I was pretty convinced that she'd have my back. "Alright, Yoo Ki?" I was so happy before I realized there was someone whose name was Ki. "Last but not least, my favorite niece, Yoo Sora?" My heart dropped immediately.

I cleared my throat, slowly raising my hand. "Uhm, it's Kihyun?" Everyone turned to look at me.

She pretended to not hear me. "Hey, Sora!" She sent in her attendance and began pass out her syllabus. I shook my head, grabbing my backpack. "Fuck this," I said, rushing by her.

Mrs. Chae frowned. "Where are you going?"

I glared at her as I came to the door. "My counselor," I said, beginning to walk out.

"You need a pass, Sora." She said, rolling her eyes.

I dipped back in for a second just to yell at her. "It's Kihyun. Fuck you," I slammed the door, heading down to the counselor's office.


	2. two.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kihyun tries ti forget his past, but brings it up all over again, when he encounters a new person.

My next crisis came when I needed to hide. Every angsty teen hides in the bathroom, no? It's hard to do that when you pass for both and everyone's always asking you where you're going the moment you choose one you think you can get away with. So, I went with the second best cliche. I ran to the staircase that allowed us access to the roof. As I began my ascent, my breathing pattern change sent me back to a memory I thought I buried.

"Mama," my voice echoed. "Why don't you care anymore?"

The look on her face spoke plenty volumes. "I loved him, Sora. I really did." Why the fuck was she mentioning that bastard? "Did you lie on him to justify this little butch change?" The audacity...

I dropped my glass on the kitchen floor, soda spilling everywhere. "You really think I made up a damn lie just so I would have a reason to get rid of my feminine body? Mama, you raised an honest child, why the fuck would I lie?" My mother really told me that she thought I lied about a serious thing. Some serious shit.

"I didn't raise an honest child, apparently." I knew what was coming. "Look at you. Lying to everyone about your gender? You're masquerading as a damn boy, what's honest about that? Who's to say you didn't lie about him?"

As I began to choke back tears, my body began to shake as well. "Fuck him. Fuck that sick fucking bastard!" My face was greeted with a hard slap to my cheek.

Mama glared into my eyes when i looked back at her. "He's not sick. You just needed an excuse to change and an excuse to hate men."

I scoffed. "An excuse? I don't hate men, I hate me." I snapped my binder at my ribs. "I hate that I have to wear this to make me feel happy with myself. I hate that I have these weights on my goddamn chest. I hate that my hair grows way too long way too quickly. Why? Because I should be a goddamn guy. I'm not a girl, stop fucking calling me Sora. Sora died the moment you put me in those fucking church dresses. I know my father was a fucking deacon, but Jesus doesn't care what you wear to church and every time I left the congregation to go to the bathroom? I was bawling my eyes out. I hated wearing them. I'm not a damn girl! I don't want boobs, I don't want a vagina. Every thing about me is fucking wrong, Mama." I took a breath, looking at my hands. "And I don't hate men. I hate that man," I shrugged, leaving the kitchen.

I was snapped out of my memories greeted by a tall, lanky guy that was in my class.

"Oh shit, sorry. I didn't know anyone was up here." He was in a leather jacket, hair messy yet styled and swooped back. The image of a bad boy. But his demeanor was nice and sweet.

I shrugged. "It's fine. There's plenty of room for two." I was more worried about how the rest of my teachers would deal with me. Would they all just out me like that?

The boy clears his throat for a second. "Do you, uhm, do you mind if I smoke?" He was being really considerate of me. I found that to be odd. I shook my head, secluding myself to my corner of the roof. "I'm Hyungwon," he smiled softly, pulling out a blunt.

"Cool." I wasn't trying to be mean, I was just on edge. Hyungwon took off his jacket before lighting up, I assume to keep the smell off of it. I began to focus on him to avoid my own downward spiral. As he began smoking, he visibly relaxed. It piqued my interest. "Hey, Hyungwon," I said, calling out to him. He turned around and dropped his hand so that he didn't get the smoke in his clothes too much. "Lemme take a a hit or two." I stood up, walking toward him.

Hyungwon scoffed. "Get lost. You don't want to even start with this."

I rolled my eyes. "It wouldn't be the first time," I sighed. "Just three or four hits. That's all." Hyungwon thought about it for a bit before handing the blunt over. I smiled softly before taking a long, deep drag, allowing the smoke to inflate my lungs instead of the clean oxygen. It almost took only that one hit to keep me pinned to the ceiling.

"Holy shit," Hyungwon chuckled. "Never seen a girl take that much in one hit."

I glared up at him before taking another insanely long drag. As I exhaled that one, I laughed a bit to myself. "Not a girl, dude," I continued on with another puff before handing it back over. Hyungwon was kind of taken aback. "I mean, haha... I'm not like other girls. You're kinda cute." My hands began to roam all over this guy I barely knew.

Hyungwon grabbed my hands. "Wait a minute, baby." He was more tolerant of his high than I was, swaying with me, even though I was the only one swaying. "What's your name?"

Fuck. I literally came out to him, and then backed it up because he seemed freaked out. If we continued being friends, or even more, he'd eventually know about Sora. He'd be around for extreme dysphoric episodes, it wouldn't take long for him to know. And it'd take even less time for him to leave or turn my gender into a kink. "Sohyun..." I said.

All of that was my high and me not being able to choose whether I wanted to keep him around or not. As cliche as it sounds, something just drew me to this guy. With how nice he's been to me too? It felt like he was going to protect me, even if he hates the fact that I'm trans. But I also couldn't bring myself to tell him yet. I didn't really lie either way... Sora is my dead name, Kihyun is my name. It just came out together. "Well, let's get you out of here." It took me a second to realize I'd tried to kiss him again. He'd pulled me into a hug and began walking down the fire escape with me. 

Next thing I knew, we were in his car. And that's where everything took a turn for the worse. I leaned forward in the passenger's seat, leaning into my lap. I began to panic. I have never done well in cars with only one other person. "No wait, stop..." I whispered. It was obvious that he didn't hear me. "Stop the fucking car!" I screamed, a frequency I haven't reached in a while. Hyungwon almost slammed on the brakes out of shock. He pulled over and put in his hazard lights. Before he could even say anything, I got out of the car, walking away from him, not looking back.

That is, until I heard the tires roll up behind me.


	3. three.

I remember the first time I thought about trying. I always remember. My mom stopped me. She said to me, and I quote, "That's some American girl shit. You're a Korean girl. You're supposed to be stronger than that." I only cried myself to sleep that night. 

That woman believed a man who did me so fucking wrong, instead of me. Her own child. She allowed him to pick me up from school and watch me until she came home from work. I was eight. I was fucking eight years old. I've hated riding in cars ever since, especially with another man. Hyungwon didn't know that, nor did he understand it. So, I can see why he thought driving alongside of me was the right thing to do. I was also high off my ass.

"Sohyun," he said, rolling down his window. I visibly shuddered at that name, but I suppose I brought it upon myself, just like everything else. "Please, just get back in the car. You can sit in the back or sleep. I don't want you hurt out here." I just shook my head, continuing to walk away from him. "Get in the car..." I continued to ignore him. "Get in the goddamn car, you stupid bitch!"

I turned around and just began screaming at him. "No! You're not gonna do it too. I'm tired of it! Leave me alone!" Hyungwon looked at me like I was fucking crazy. And I probably was. Hyungwon pulled over and got out of the car, walking over to me. "Don't fucking touch me, Hyungwon. I will scream." He held his hands where I could see them, staying at the back of the car while I shifted to the front. 

Hyungwon shook his head. "I'm not trying to hurt you. It's broad daylight. Who in the hell is stupid and sick enough to even try?" I didn't find his words helpful at all. "Listen. You're high. I was just taking you home to watch over you. Something tells me that your parents would flip if you went home high." I kept my guard up, even though he seemed thoroughly sincere.

"Parent," I corrected. "And she wouldn't give two shits."

Hyungwon stared blankly at me. "At least you fucking have one," he said. "That bitch and the motherfucker left me on a damn doorstep." He got really angry immediately.

I scoffed, "You don't even know the half of it. She gave up on me a long time ago. I might as well not have one. She doesn't want anything to do with me." I sighed, looking down at the ground. As soon as I said it, I regretted it. He probably knows way more about it all than I do.

"Why not?" He asked. His demeanor change, filling with concern. 

I shook my head. "Apparently, I ruined her relationship with a man who wanted nothing more than to hurt me. Apparently, me being 14 at the time and finally coming clean, ruined her relationship. She completely ignored the fact that her child was the ruined one." Tears began streaming down my face. What did I trust this guy for anyway? I almost got hot and heavy with him on the school roof. How did that lead to the me dishing out my deepest, darkest problems? Why'd I trust him?

Hyungwon put his hand out for me to grab. "I want to talk to you, learn about you. I don't know what it is about you, but I feel the need to protect you." Would you still protect me if you knew? Many people wouldn't.

I shook my head. "If it shuts you up, you can take me to your house," I exhaled, opening the car door. "But, best believe? I will fucking cut your throat if you pull something on me." It's not like I haven't ever tried fighting back.

"You don't have to worry about a thing..." Hyungwon smiled, closing my door behind me. When he got back in he turned my face toward him a little bit. "I may be a bad boy, but I'm not a dickhead. So I can promise you, I will never hurt you." Damn it, there he went again. Charming me with all the right words. I hadn't even realized I kissed him until he pushed me away slightly. "And... I respect you enough to know you're in a vulnerable place right now. I've known you for an hour and a half and I already know you're trying to cope with something. I respect you enough to not let you disrespect yourself." Hyungwon moved my hands from his face to my lap. "Trust and believe, using me to get over it is not the most successful way to do it. You'll fuck around and fall for me too. You don't want that."

I sighed, leaning back in my seat. He was already confusing me. One moment he's expressing affection toward me, pushing away from me the next. I decided to let the ride take me to sleep instead of spending all my time trying go figure it out.

When I woke up, we were pulled up to a shabby little house. "Here we are." Hyungwon got out, helping me out. His house looked shady as hell. I was hesitant to leave the car.

"C-Can I actually stay here?" I asked. Anxiety began building up again.

Hyungwon shook his head. "You think I'm gonna kill you? Come on." He pulled me up and closed the car door, heading to the front door. As he unlocked the door, the sight of his living room alone was depressing. A couple lawn chairs, there were empty milk crates for tables.  And it seemed like there was not a bed anywhere. 

I was speechless. "You live here?" It came out rude but I didn't mean for it to.

"Yep," Hyungwon sighed. "I do have a bed, it's a mattress on a boxspring. And I can change the sheets for you." 

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Oh, okay... That's fine. Thank you." Hyungwon nodded, going to his room. I wanted to take another nap as well, I assume he sensed that. I followed him and watched him change the sheets. His bed was quite nice, it seemed. He threw his dirty sheets on the floor in the corner. 

I watched quietly as he made the bed. He sighed softly, standing up after he was done. "You hungry? Wanna shower?" He asked. 

I shrugged. "I took a shower this morning... And food isn't really my thing." I never really ate. My mother never really cooked enough for the both of us. I knew why. She tried to act like I didn't exist. But she wasn't making me feel bad in any way by not cooking enough for the both of us. I wouldn't have eaten much anyway. 

Hyungwon looked at me for a bit. "Take a nap and I'll have food for you later." He started to leave. "It better be gone by the time I wake up tomorrow too. I have to get to work. I should be back around nine. Everything has two or more locks. If you need me, my number is right here," Hyungwon handed me a piece of paper. I nodded, waving goodbye to him afterward. After he left, I immediately went to take a nap.

When I woke up, it was well past nine o'clock. It was closer to midnight. I started to panic a bit. I didn't see any lights in the living room, I didn't hear anything. I scrambled up to turn on the light, only to see Hyungwon sleeping on the floor where he'd put the sheets from earlier. He didn't have a pillow and he looked cold since his house didn't have a working furnace.

I sighed in relief that he was at least here. Hyungwon just looked uncomfortable and no one should be uncomfortable in their own house. So, I got up, walking over to him. "Hey," I whispered. "Hyungwon?" I asked. He wasn't waking up. "Wake up!" I yelled.

I rushed over to my phone to call for an ambulance. "Sohyun?" Hyungwon asked.

I took a deep sigh, putting my phone down. "You're awake... Thank God."

Hyungwon smiled weakly. "Was I not breathing?" He chuckled. I nodded, rubbing my wrist. "I have sleep apnea, I tend to do that." He turned onto his stomach.

"Can't you die from that?" Hyungwon nodded sleepily. "And you don't have anyone here with you?" I hated that.

He shrugged. "If it's my time to go, it's my time to go."

I chuckled a bit in disbelief. "Come on," I said, moving the sheets off of him. 

"What?" He asked, groaning.

I motioned toward his bed. "I don't want anything but this is your house, and you're not gonna sleep on the cold hard floor." Hyungwon tried to argue with me, but I stopped him begore he could begin. I grabbed my phone and started walking out.

"No, wait." He sighed, standing up. "Get back in bed, stupid ass." I smiled in victory before laying down again. "I'm going to get you the food I brought home. You're gonna fucking eat." I nodded as he walked off. 

I began to fall back asleep before came back. That was until my phone rang. I groaned, rolling over to answer it. "Hello?" I asked, not looking at the caller ID. 

"Sora!" My mom yelled. "I do have a tracker on your phone, you moron. I'll be there in less than 10 minutes and if you fucking leave, I'll fucking kill you." Click.

A few moments later, Hyungwon came into the room, freaking out with me as he saw me have a grand panic attack. "Shit," he whispered, coming to hold me. I tried to fight him but he fought back. And when I slapped him to get him away from me, he screamed out. "The fuck is wrong with you?" He yelled. He was interrupted by banging on the door.

"My fucking mother is here," I said, throwing my head into my hands, defeated.


	4. four.

"I can get rid of her," Hyungwon mumbled, holding onto me. "You don't have to go anywhere."

I shook my head, tapping on his arms. "You gotta let me go. She'll call the cops." Hyungwon sighed, letting me get up. We walked to the front door, ready for confrontation. When Hyungwon pushed me away to hide me behind the door, a spiraled back into my memories once again.

Suddenly, I was hiding in my mom's closet. "If you come out of there, if you cry, if you say anything, I'll kill you. Keep your fucking mouth shut." I was 13, all I wanted was to go hang out with my friends. 

My mother came is, exasperated. "I swear to God, I leave this house without my wallet every day." Why the fuck couldn't she find her wallet while her boyfriend was fucking with me? She always texted him to tell him she left something. Why couldn't she catch him.  
I began crying softly, not quiet enough. "Where's Sora? She should be home from school by now."

I heard her walk to the closet. I prayed for her to open it and find me. Find me, Mama... Please. Suddenly, her heels clicked away from the closet. No, goddamn it. Mama, please open the closet. "She's not here yet. I don't know where she could be. Maybe she went to the mall." No, shut the fuck up, you bastard. God, please no.

"I'm gonna have to talk to her. I know she never had her father around, but damn it, I raised her right." I began crying even harder. I just wanted it to end. I wanted everything to end.

After a few moments later, the closet door opened and I was ripped from it. "I told you to keep fucking quiet." He slammed me into the wall before throwing me onto the bed. "That's alright, I'll just have to teach you, baby girl." I just cried and cried until it was over for the day.

I came back to Hyungwon's living room, my mother yelling at me while Hyungwon stood between us. "Get your happy little ass in that car, now." She said. When I didn't move, she walked past Hyungwon and roughly grabbed my arm.

I cried out in pain which made Hyungwon grab me back. "I think the fuck not."

Mama exhaled in a frustrated way. "I can't handle two queers, I can't even handle that one. Sora, get in the fucking car!" I shook my head, holding onto Hyungwon.

"Queer?" Hyungwon asked. "The fuck gives you the right to call me a queer?"

My mom chuckled. "What, that one didn't tell you?" I shook my head, hoping she'd read my lips. She keeps me a secret from everyone else, she could keep me a secret from him. "Oh, you wanna hide now? You expect everyone to cater to your needs, but haven't told him?" I gripped onto Hyungwon a bit more. I wasn't ready to tell him. I wanted him to stay around for a while. I'd only known him a day. But I didn't have any other friends. He was all I had. But Mama decided to say it. "She wants a dick." I let go of Hyungwon and started to cry, hiding my face. I didn't want to hear what he had to say after that. I had no one, once again. 

Hyungwon looked between me and my mother. "You mean," Hyungwon started. "You mean he wants a dick. He needs a dick." I looked up with bloodshot eyes for a moment. "You mean you have a son you want to disown because he's not the daughter you gave birth to." My mom and I were speechless. "Get the fuck out of my house, you piss poor excuse of a mother. He's staying with me. I'll call the police on you if you think you're just gonna sit in my driveway too. Leave. Now." Hyungwon pushed my mother out of the door before shutting it and locking it.

I sniffled, wiping my tears. "I'll be gone by tomorrow." 

Hyungwon furrowed his eyebrows. "For what?" He asked. I shrugged my shoulders, starting to cry again. "Come here," Hyungwon opened his arms for me. I hugged him tightly, bawling my eyes out. "You didn't have to lie to me. My foster sister is still trying to save up for her bottom surgery. I love her to death. You're no less of a person for being born in the wrong body." It was in this moment that I fucking did the stupidest thing ever. I fell in love with the bitch. I didn't want to. I really didnt. No one ever stayed around. And why did I expect him to be any different? Yeah, he has a sister who's going through the same thing, that's his sister. He has to stay by her side. There's nothing keeping him by my side.

I pulled away for him for a moment. "I hate it. So much. I didn't want you to know yet. There's so much shit behind who I am... It's fucking insane." I wiped my tears, looking down at myself.

"Then talk to me," Hyungwon smiled. "I'll tell you things about me too, S-" Hyungwon's eyes widened a bit when he realized. "You never told me your name. You can start there, and we'll stay up getting to know each other. We're going to be roommates here."

I smiled softly knowing that my fear wasn't coming true. He was still willing to protect me. "My name's Kihyun," I chuckled. 

Hyungwon led me back to his room. "Nice to meet you, Kihyun. I love that name." He grabbed his wallet, pulling out at least $300. "Get your things," he said.

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Why?" I asked, grabbing my bag.

Hyungwon quickly threw on some jeans over his pajamas and a shirt and his jacket. "I can't let you stay here. I have enough money for a hotel. This place is a fucking dump."

I nodded, deciding not to fight him. He was right, this was a fucking dump. I followed him out of the house and got in the car. We listened to music and made small talk. We were very similar. My favorite food was fried chicken, his was fried shrimp. When I told him I hated seafood, he threatened to kick me out of his car. We hated science, we both loved dogs and had at least three in our lives.

All was nice and happy. Then some asshole ran a stop light in front of us.


	5. five.

As Hyungwon slammed on his brakes and horn, I slammed my hand onto the glove compartment. "Fucking cocksucker," Hyungwon mumbled. "Are you okay?"

I nodded before hissing in pain as I brought my hands back to me. "Oh shit, I think I hurt my wrists." It was a sharp pain and I couldn't really move my hands. "Damn, sprained for sure." I sighed, reaching down into my bag for ace bandages.

As I wrapped my wrists up, we pulled into the parking lot of an Embassy Suites. "You good to go inside?" Hyungwon asked. I nodded, getting out and beginning to walk into the lobby. I wasn't in there for five minutes before some pervert came up to me.

"Baby, you low on cash?" He asked. "You can room with me."

I pushed him away. "No, not only is that disgusting, I have company with me. They're parking." I began walking toward the front desk, but the man grabbed me.

"That means we have a little time. Come on." I stood my ground, planting feet. I couldn't speak. Even if I did" I couldn't scream "rape", no one pays attention to it.

Suddenly, the man was away from me. "Hands off my boyfriend, you fucking pedophile. He's fucking 16, get lost." Hyungwon appeared by my side.

The man was relentless. "You don't scare me kid. I'm with the Liberated."

Hyungwon turned around and fully laughed in that mans face. He lifted up his shirt. "You little motorcycle club is cute. I'm a DK. Diamond Knife. You know what that means, shit for brains?" The man shook his head. "That means I will literally slit your motherfucking throat and feel not one damn bit of remorse. I specialize in getting rid of offenders. I suggest you leave the fucking hotel. Because I will find you." The man was visibly sweating by now. "Leave me and my boyfriend the fuck alone. Now!" He pushed the man away and he ran out of the hotel.

I stood in shock. For multiple reasons. "Uhm... Hello, one room. Preferrably not on the first floor." I decided to prepare the lady for Hyungwon's payment.

"How many days?" She asked.

Hyungwon checked his wallet again. "Three nights? Tonight, tomorrow and Wednesday? Check out on Thursday morning." I looked around to take in the artwork of the lobby. She put us in room 206.

The moment we got up there, I turned to Hyungwon. "You're a gang member?" I asked. "Dude, you should've started with that. What if we get in a fight and you kill me? What if someone hurts me and you get charged with multiple murders? What the fu-" Hyungwon gave me a kiss.

"I'm sorry, but you wouldn't stop talking any time soon." I nodded, laughing a bit. "I wouldn't hurt you. DKs protect. That's what our gang is. We get rid of the bad people on the streets. You're safe," Hyungwon smiled. "And we never get caught. Now, to continue our conversations."

I sat on the couch, shrugging a bit. "What do you want to know?" I asked.

"Why are you so afraid of me?" He asked.

I bit my lip slightly. Should I just tell him everything? "I just... Don't trust men easily. What happened in the lobby has never not happened."

Hyungwon's eyes widened. "Really?" I nodded. "People are so fucking gross, I swear to God..." He was kind of at a loss for words at that point. "If you don't mind my asking, how far has anything ever gone?" I didn't know if I wanted to answer. But I'd trusted him thus far. Why not continue on? What would the negative part be?

"As far as it can go, and then some." I bit my lip softly. "My father died before I was born, and my mom went into relationships easily. Like she never missed him. And the one she was going to marry was the worst one. For five years, he did any and everything he could. And Mama never saw it. She never noticed me wearing more and more clothing. Didn't notice that when she came home because she left something that I was always late from school. In reality, he just hid me in her closet or under their bed. Didn't notice that I complained of constant UTI pain. And just assumed I had a fucked up bladder. Didn't notice my change in behavior and pinned it on being an American bitch thing. Not a victim of sexual abuse thing. Even when I tried to end it, she just yelled at me." Hyungwon had stayed silent, even when I began crying. "She thinks I hated him so much that I lied about what he did to me and got him arrested for no reason. She thinks I want to transition and be who I really am, just to tell him that he changed me completely. I don't need a sex change to fucking tell him that. He knows. He got what he wanted. And every guy in fucking town tries to get what they want. I ride the city bus to school every fucking day and the damn bus driver refuses to notice me pinned to a window, being touched. I'm honestly so fucking tired of all of this. I want my body to match me on the inside. I want my mom to love me and believe her damn child over her rapist of a fiance, I want men to stop acting like they have a right to this body I don't even fucking want... It's just too much and I want to start over. And if I die and am born as a girl, maybe then I'll like me and having a vagina makes sense to me. Or maybe nature will get it right and make me a boy. Or maybe it'll be all sorts of fucked up and I'll be a non-binary gender that makes no sense to me or anyone else." 

I took a deep breath, relaxing a bit. "I-" Hyungwon was speechless. "Shit, Ki... That's a lot." I smiled a bit at his nickname. He was the only person who called me Kihyun. "Like I said, I was left on a doorstep. My mother was apparently in an awful placs in her life and my dad was a dickhead. Ms. Lee took me in, fostered me. When I was 15, she got the little family we had, my foster brothers, Minhyuk and Jooheon, and my foster sister, Kyungwon. I was dancing in the backyard and they came out to me. And Ms. Lee handed me a box with an envelope. The box had a present for me. It was a necklace that had my name, Chae Hyungwon, engraved into it. My address. I thought it was weird. I didn't get why they gave me it. I thought it was a going away present. Then she told me to open the envelope. And inside of it? There were my completed adoption papers." He kept a straight face for the most part. "That was the best thing anyone had ever done for me. Then it turned into the worst thing. Everyone was happy about it except for Minhyuk. He's like two years older than me. And..." He stopped speaking. "You never did eat, Kihyun." I looked at him as he got up, going to his bag. He was shaking slightly and really antsy.

"What'd you stop for? You can tell me. Was it like my situation?" I asked. I didn't want to push, but I also wanted him to trust me.

Hyungwon grabbed a sandwich and tossed to me. "It was nothing like your situation, yet everything like your situation. But I need my medicine now, so let's just drop it."

I shook my head. "Hyungwon, whatever it is, I'm not gonna hate you. As long as you've never ever sexually abused someone, as of right now, there's nothing you can do to make hate you." I took a small bite of the sandwich. I was repulsed by the fact that I was eating.

Hyungwon sighed, taking his medicine before lighting a joint. "I need this," he shrugged as he caught me glaring at him, taking a huge drag. "Minhyuk was my favorite brother. He helped me with my schoolwork, math, reading. Helped me with everything." He took another drag. "Including puberty." I tilted my head to the side for a second. "He was... 17 when I was adopted? Something like that. And at that point, I was a boy in puberty. A primordial soup of horniness. And you live with someone for so long, you never see each other as related... Things happen. Serious things. He wasn't happy that I'd been adopted, because those things would have to stop." I nodded, acting like I hadn't understood it still. "It was love, he likes to think. I want to think it was love, but I know it was nothing but lust. Nothing but a rush of doing something so wrong that felt so right with the risk of being caught. It's how I figured out I was voyeuristic," Hyungwon shrugged.

"You had it good, why'd you leave?" I aaked.

He bit his lip a bit. "Minhyuk was quite angry. And he was bound to tell Ms. Lee that we were a thing. I had to leave. I still talk to Jooheon and Kyungwon, but Minhyuk considers me dead to him. Now finish that damn sandwich."

I nodded, forcing it down. "Goddamn it," I sighed.

"What?" Hyungwon asked.

I bit my lip, debating or whether or not to say this. "I think... I think I feel something with you. Safety, security."

Hyungwon nodded, taking another drag. "As long as it isn't love. You don't want that." He got up, heading to his bag to get an ashtray.

"Why is that?" I folded my arms.

Hyungwon sighed. "You don't wanna love me. You wanna love the things I do for you. I'm too much. Now, go back to sleep." Hyungwon left the room before I had a rebuttal. Why did he flip back and forth like that?


	6. six.

Hyungwon piqued my curiosity. I wanted to know more about him. As I began waking up, I heard Hyungwon on the phone. "He's emancipated," he mumbled. "No... No, you don't get it. His mother would flip out if she knew this was happening. Kyungwon, please. You have to know something. What did you do before mom found out?" What in the hell was he doing? "How safe is that?" He went silent for a while before heaving a deep sigh. "Desperate times call for desperate measures, I suppose. Can you get it by nightfall? Please? Oh my God, thank you, Wonnie. I love you, sis." He went quiet again, sighing a remorseful sigh. "I can't come back, love. I'm sorry. I lo-" He cut himself off. "Shit." Hyungwon stood up, going to the window. It was still extremely dark, the sun nowhere in sight.

I sat up slowly, stretching out. "What's wrong?" I asked.

Hyungwon turned around, looking at me. "Nothing," Hyungwon walked over to me. "Are you okay?"

I shook my head, just to be honest with him. "I need to take a shower..." I got up and grabbed a shirt that Hyungwon lent me. It was so big on me. It occurred to me that I didn't have any long pants. Fuck my life. I got in the bathroom and locked myself in. If could move the counter to keep the door closed, I would've. I was so scared to take a shower. I had a loose ass binder on and I'd been wearing it for too long. I had nothing else, but I also didn't need Hyungwon to notice. Yeah, he knew now, but that doesn't mean he could have full access to the things I'd been hiding. He was gonna see it all. 

As I stepped in the shower, I had my plan. I'd make the soap foam up by my collarbones and let it fall before washing my sides. I didn't even want to look at myself, touch myself, nothing. I wanted nothing to do with my body. I hated my body.

I spent my entire shower thinking about life. Everything in my life. And expecting the worst when having Hyungwon in my life. He'd leave like everyone else. As I got out, I looked at myself. I hated it. I couldn't put my binder back on, since I'd worn it too much, but I wouldn't be caught dead without something. I glanced at my wrists. They were slightly swollen still. Out of desperation, I committed the biggest sin.

Leaving the bathroom in Hyungwon's shirt, I began searching for pants. "Hey. Can I borrow a pair of long pants? I don't like being this exposed." I took a deep breath. Well, as deep as I could.

"Here," Hyungwon tossed me some pants. "You wanna go downstairs and eat breakfast? Or do you wanna have it brought up?"

I shuffled back into the bathroom just to put the pants on before walking out. "Uhm, it can come up here? Idk, I'm still really sleepy. I don't normally get all of this sleep." Hyungwon nodded, grabbing his hotel key and wallet.

I smiled softly as he got ready to go ask about the options. "If we can't have it brought here, I might get a delivery somewhere. But if not, you want like an apple or something?" I nodded, not really caring. I truly wasn't hungry at all anyway. "Be back," he smiled before leaving.

I let my thoughts drift me back into comfort. Then I thought about last night. What did he call me his boyfriend for? What was the purpose of that? I know he was only protecting me from the perv, but still. He didn't want me falling for him, he shouldn't do shit like that. He made my heart race. Or was that the constriction on my chest?

Hyungwon came back in about twenty minutes later. "They didn't have anything good, you good until lunch?" As Hyungwon came into the room, his face fell softly. "Kihyun, why are you crying?" He asked.

I looked up at him through tears in extreme pain. I was on my knees, gripping the sheets to try yo ignore the pain. My breathing was heavy and I couldn't get a good deep breath. "I-" I took a sharp inhale, feeling my eyes roll.

Hyungwon walked over to me and pulled me straight up. I whined, tears falling faster. "Hey, hey, what happened? Is this an anxiety attack?" I shook my head. Hyungwon looked at me trying to figure out what to do. "Alright, Ki... I'm sorry but I have to." When Hyungwon grabbed my shirt and began to fight him. I started by clamping my arms down by my sides. "Kihyun, let me do this." I shook my head, crying harder. My anxiety kicked in as Hyungwon pushed me onto my back. I tried to tell him to stop. I began to spiral back down.

My mom's fiance was watching me for the day. Luckily for me, he had to go to work. Unfortunately, he asked his brother to come over and watch me. He wasn't as bad as the bastard, but he still didn't care about the word "no." The moment he took off my shirt and noticed me wearing two high support sports bras, he was immediately disgusted with me. He knew what I was attempting to do and hated every bit of it. "You're have a fucking cunt, you stupid bitch," he said, ripping the top bra. "There you go. You have fucking tits. Fucking act like it." He ignored me as he stayed around to "watch" me. If he wanted to, I'm sure he would've killed me. He had that sort of demeanor around him.

I took a deep breath as I came to. Hyungwon sighed out in relief as well. "You stupid bitch," he said, putting his head in his hands. He sounded just like him. Looked just like him. "Why the fuck would you do this shit?" I looked down and his shirt was off of me and I had no coverage whatsoever. When I looked up, I realized that he was holding my ace bandages. "You're never, ever supposed to fucking use these to bind. Ever!" He was angry out of worry. Understandable, but it scared me. Only anger I'd ever seen was violent anger. Perverted anger. "Let me look at you." Hyungwon placed his hand on my side and that's when I broke.

"Don't fucking touch me!" I screamed. I covered my chest with the shirt. I was still in so much pain, I shouldn't have moved that quickly.

Hyungwon shook his head. "This is the one time I'm gonna tell you no. Let me see." He put his knee on my legs so I couldn't get up and pushed my arms to one side, effectively turning me on my side in a way. "You have bruising already," he sighed, shifting me to the other side. "Damn, Kihyun..." Hyungwon got off of me and went to his phone to do some searching.

I hadn't realized that I was crying until I put on Hyungwon's shirt again and felt the dampness of it. "I don't give a damn if I'm fucking dying," I said. "Don't you ever put your fucking hands on me like that again, Hyungwon." He didn't reply to me as he continued searching.

"You might as well have been dying, you idiot." Hyungwon showed me a list of things that could be wrong with me. "Bruised ribs, lung damage, collapsed lung, dislocated ribs? From either wearing binding for too long or from ace bandages or both. Don't you ever fucking do that shit again," he finished with a sigh. He began logging into what looked like a bank account online. "What size are you?" He asked.

I shrugged, not having measured myself in a while. "Last I checked, I was 28C, why?" Hyungwon handed me his sweatshirt. I furrowed my eyebrows confused at what was going on.

He grabbed his wallet and keys. "Let's go," he said, starting to walk out of the room. I rolled my eyes, getting up to follow him. I didn't want to be outside. I wanted to be asleep. Walking and breathing still hurt me. Thoughts just kept racing through my head. Should I have just gone home with my mom? What if she's actually not happy that I'm gone? A lull of hope still stayed with me. Maybe it was fear driven hope. But it was hope nonetheless. I just didn't want to get those hopes up.


	7. seven.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kihyun confronts his mother, Hyungwon confronts his abuser.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> VERY strong language and speak of rape. Gun use.

We pulled into the parking lot of a store. "What are you doing?" I asked, slightly irritated.

"Getting you a sports B-R-A," Hyungwon spelled out. I groaned slightly as he got out of the car. "I know you don't want it but I refuse to have you suffocate yourself and be in pain just to keep a level playing field. Get out of the car." I scoffed, pulling out my phone instead. Hyungwon was not having it. "Look here, I will yank you out the driver's side. Get out of the fucking car."

I rolled my eyes, "Fine!" I yelled back, getting out. I followed behind Hyungwon, keeping my head low. It was embarrassing. "I'm sitting in customer service, I'm not gonna tag behind you. This is degrading enough." I sighed.

Hyungwon shook his head. "Me trying to keep you around is degrading? I'm sorry I'm not the idiot who used ace bandages for binding. Even I know you're not supposed to do that." I looked down slightly, avoiding eye contact with people.

"I'm sorry I was born in the wrong body, I'll kill myself and come back in the right one." I quipped, walking closer to Hyungwon.

He stood by and let me walk in first. "Don't even joke about that," he said. Who said I was joking? I kept my mouth shut until we parted ways. "Go ahead and scream 'rape' if someone tries hurting you or taking you. I'll hear you."

I just nodded. Silly boy, didn't he know that no one pays attention to someone screaming rape? He didn't know anything about being a girl, which is understandable. But we all know that you're supposed to scream 'fire' instead. More people would look in fear of their life, as opposed to ignoring your pleas for someone to save yours. I sat by the customer service area, getting on my phone. I had texts from my mother. I didn't even want to read them. But the moment I texted her back, telling her I was going to block her, she called me.

I plugged in my earbuds, answering the call. "The fuck do you want?" I asked. I has a short fuse. I didn't want to deal with any of this shit 

"I want you home, Sora," she sighed. "That Hyungwon... He's bad news. Please, I want you home. I want my family together."

I shook my head, chuckling a bit. "You bailed him out didn't you?" I asked. 

I heard the hesitation that gave me my answer dead on. "What do you mean?" She asked.

"Is that man, that I got the balls enough to put away, living his life in your fucking house?" I asked again. There was no answer. "So, Hyungwon's bad news, but the man that would rape me during the day and sleep with you, use those same hands on you at night... That bastard's not bad news?"

I began pulling at my pants, anxiety crawling up my throat to choke me. "Sora, baby... I promise you, he didn't do anything." My mother was relentless.

I bit my lip so hard that I drew blood. "He... He didn't do anything?" I screamed. "He didn't do anything? Every time I get in the shower, despite locking the door, I feel like he's watching me. I scrub my skin raw, because I feel his hands touching me. He's not the only man but he's the man that would do it the most. And you refuse to believe me, your daughter?" I was breaking down more and more. "You know... I never, ever considered myself your daughter. But calling myself what you want seems to be the only way you can hear me. See me and believe me. You refuse to hear the pain and suffering your daughter's voice and recognize that she's fucking telling the truth? Do you so desperately need someone that you'd be content to sleep with a rapist, child molester, abusive ass, piss poor excuse of a man? Mama, please. Tell me, tell me in all honesty. You don't believe me because I'm transgender. Because I hate the body I came in, you don't believe me. Say it. You've said it before. You find me more deranged than the man you have basically allowed to use me." As I took a deep, shaking breath, I turned my head to see Hyungwon. He stretched his arms out for me and I looked down a bit before finishing my rant. "You won't say it, because you know the moment you admit it, you have to feel guilty. You have to allow yourself to be angry with yourself instead of me. You have to allow yourself to succumb to every negative thing said about you that you fucking deserve. You want me home? I am home. My home is with someone who would drag me to the store to get me a tight sports bra to wear when I can't wear a binder. Someone who immediately respects the fact that I identify as a man. Someone who threatens to harm anyone who harms me. Hyungwon is a better parent than you, Mama. I've known him for a day. I'm your flesh and blood and I don't want to know you at all. As long as you lay down with that man, you're victimizing many more children. I'm not coming back home. Go fuck yourself." Hyungwon grabbed my phone and hung up as he saw me prepare to throw it.

I choked out a sob, looking around to notice people looking at me. "Kihyun," Hyungwon mumbled. I shook my head, running out of the store. I heard him follow me but I didn't care. I just needed to get out of the store. "Come here, shh." Hyungwon reached for my arm and I turned and grabbed onto him. The tears just poured and I broke down in his arms. "What happened, bud?" He asked, walking me to the car.

"She wanted me home." I mumbled into his chest. "I don't know why but she did and she doesn't listen to Kihyun. And I thought for just a second, maybe she'd listen to Sora." I sniffled a bit, wiping my tears. "She bailed him out..." The moment I said that, I realized something. "Shit... Hyungwon, I have to go back home."

Hyungwon looked at me. "What? No. I'm not taking you back." I let go of him.

"Wonnie, please! I have to go back home. Take me, please." I ran to the car, getting in.

Hyungwon finally decided to take me home. As he turned the car off after pulling in the driveway, I jumped out, running up to the door. I unlocked it, walking into my house. My mother was on the couch with... Him. "Sora," he grinned. "I've missed you..."

I shook my head. "Mama, where'd you get the money to fucking bail him out?" I asked.

"I've always had money, Sora." I shook my head again, knowing she was lying to me.

I ran upstairs, going to my room. I grabbed my lock box from underneath my bed, quickly unlocking it. My envelope was gone. I ran downstairs, anger fueling me. I walked up to my mother. "You fucking bitch!" I screamed as I slapped her in the face. In turn, my demon grabbed me, slamming me against the wall. "That money was to pay for my gender therapy and for my testosterone shots!" I screamed. "Get off of me."

My mother stood up. "Abraham, let her go!" She yelled.

I felt his hands run up my body and closed my eyes tightly. Suddenly, a gunshot rang out and I quickly turned to see where it came from. "Put him down, Abe," Hyungwon said, holding a gun and steadily walking toward us. "Or else, the next warning shot will be right between your fucking eyes."

Abraham chuckled a bit. "You're in on her sick facade too?" He asked. His laughter stopped when he was faced with the metal barrel sitting by his head.

"Put him down, bitch," Hyungwon taunted him. The cock of the hammer scared him enough to shove me away, effectively throwing me back into the wall. "You think you're a tough man, right?" Hyungwon asked, standing in front of me.

Abe glared at him. "I know I'm a man, kid. I'm a man, unlike that mentally ill little whore behind y-"

Hyungwon bucked toward him again, shutting him up. "He's more of a man than you ever could be. Call him out of his name one more goddamn time, I swear to God, your bitch over there will be painted in your blood for once, instead of your jizz." I didn't like this side of Hyungwon, but I loved it compared to dealing with Abraham. "You think you're a man? I bet you your bail money that you cried to her, that stupid fucking broad right fucking there, begging her for help. You probably couldn't stand being used by your cell mates. I know you were in gen pop. And I know they don't take the news of a child molestor too lightly. How'd it feel Abe? Hmm? How'd it feel to not have a damn say in what your body's purpose was? How was it? It was torture wasn't it? So you needed her to get you out. Sweet talked her a bit?" Hyungwon reached his free hand down, helping me up. "And Ms. Yoo?" He asked, gaining my mom's attention. "You're in debt. How much was his bail? About 10k?" My mom nodded. "You're paying Kihyun back. Every penny. Maybe he'll be generous and give you $20 so you can buy yourself a toy of some sort. Stop being fucking stupid. You're letting him play you like a violin, while your son suffers. All because you need dick. Grow up. That cocksucker most certainly grew your child up when he didn't have to." Hyungwon grabbed onto me. He pulled his trigger again, nothing but a small click sounding. "You're lucky I only had one bullet. But I knew you'd pussy out. You're a weak man." Hyungwon pushed me toward the door, rushing me to the car.

"Oh my God," I whispered.

Hyungwon looked over at me. "I'm sorry to scare you. Let's go back to the hotel... Give me your phone first." I furrowed my eyebrows, handing it off. Hyungwon popped out the SIM card before driving off. "I'll pay to get you a new provider." He said. "And I want to sit and listen to you talk about everything. If you want to. I gotta protect you, Kihyun. That's the last time I can ever go somewhere and front as if I knew what I was talking about." I nodded, understanding completely. I just sunk down into my seat, listening to music as we headed back to our sanctuary.


	8. eight.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kihyun lets all the skeletons out of the closet. Hyungwon's inner emotions show due to a tragic turn of events.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, graphic speak of rape, prostitution, gun use and murder.

As soon as we closed the hotel room door, Hyungwon and I went to the bedroom and sat down. "You really want to know everything?" I asked. 

Hyungwon nodded, "Everything."

And so I began to tell him everything. "Nine years old, puberty started early for me. I basically bust into a petite, but clearly almost teenaged, body. And that's when he began paying attention to me. It started with picking me up from school and having his hand on my crotch in the middle of a turn, like this..." I showed Hyungwon what it looked like, whenever we took a sharp turn. "Oh, but don't worry, he was only holding me back. As if I didn't have a seat belt on. It grew from that to taking me shopping and following me into the dressing rooms. He'd turn his back to start, but slowly glance back at me to catch glimpses. Then came leaving me home alone with him. He didn't hold back at home. He explicitly told me his intentions. He wanted to fuck me, point blank period. He wanted to hear me cry. He wanted to laugh at me trying to push him off. He wanted to watch me get wrecked. The first time, there was obviously blood and bruising. I was a small nine year old. I still had a tiny body. I couldn't handle that size. I'm pretty sure I'm infertile now because of him. Doesn't matter much, I always planned on adoption anyway. I knew I was bruised, torn, slightly fractured. But did I tell my mother? No. I never should have. Years of this went on. He'd have sex with me in my mother's room and hide my in the closet while I silently begged for her to open the closet and find me. There's not a room in that house that I was safe in. Not my room, my mother's room, the bathrooms, the living room, the basement, the garage, the fucking kitchen. I was used in every single room in that house." Hyungwon grabbed my shaking hands that I didn't even know were shaking. I stood up for a second to unbutton my pants.

"Whoa, what are you doing?" Hyungwon asked, panicking a bit.

I pulled down one side of my pants, showing Hyungwon my right leg. "I started burning myself because I felt so dirty. These are scars from that. I can't take a cold shower, the water has to burn. I don't ever feel clean. I hate him. I hate him so much..."  I pulled my pants back up, buttoning them. "I don't know what else I can tell you about him."

Hyungwon shook his head, opening his arms to me again. I bit my lip, looking at him. As I took his hands, my chest felt tighter and tighter. I felt like I'd owed him for earlier. I sat in his lap, leaning down to kiss him, softly. Hyungwon let himself be kissed for a bit, before pulling away. "You don't have to do that," he mumbled. 

"What if I wanted to? Or needed to?" I asked. I brought my other leg around to straddle him. He set his hand down on top of his crotch, in between us. 

Hyungwon shook his head. "You don't want to fuck me. And you don't need to fuck me. Now, we can sit here and make out for as long as you want. I don't mind that. But no, we don't need to have sex. If you're trying to pay me back, no. It's my job to protect you now. You don't have to pay me back."

I nodded a bit. "Thank you," I mumbled. Hyungwon pulled me into a hug, allowing me to shift from on top of him. 

A phone rang, pulling our attention. Hyungwon grabbed his phone and looked at the caller ID. "Minhyuk? What's going on?" Hyungwon looked worried. From what he told me, Minhyuk never called. "No..." He mumbled. "You better be fucking kidding my Minhyuk. Minhyuk... Minhyuk. Mi- Stop fucking talking! Because if I find out you're lying to me, you're dead." Hyungwon stopped for a moment. "Jooheon? Tell me he's lying." It was silent for a bit before Hyungwon hung up and tossed his phone on the bed. 

"H-Hyungwon?" I asked. Hyungwon rushed over to the hotel safe we had and unlocked it, grabbing some rounds. 

I walked a bit closer to see him drop tears. I walked close enough to put my hand on his. "Fuck," he whispered. "I did this."

I shook my head. "Did what?" I asked.

I took the bullets and gun away from him and grabbed his hands. As I pulled him to look at me, I saw a broken down Hyungwon for the first time. I put my hands on his face, wiping away his tears. "Someone killed my sister!" He screamed, tears pouring. My jaw dropped slightly as I held him tightly. "God, why didn't I take in when I had the chance... She was walking the streets, trying to earn some money and..." I shushed him, wiping his tears. "Some fucking bastards realized she was transgender and fucking killed her. And now I have to kill someone." He got out of my embrace, grabbing his gun again.

"How did you do this?" I asked. I didn't want to stop him in case he was willing to kill anyone in his way, including me.

Hyungwon sighed, loading his gun. "I asked her for help with getting you testosterone... She knew who to go to get it. And she was getting the money for it."

Suddenly, Kyungwon's death felt like it was on my conscience. "Hyungwon..." He put the gun in his jacket.

"Come on," he sniffled. "Let's go." I didn't want to tag along. But if this was the last time I was going to see him, I didn't want to get a call telling me he was gone. He rushed out of the hotel heading to the car. 

We ended up in an alleyway. Hyungwon noticed two people shuffling back there. "Get down, now." Hyungwon pushed me down with his right hand. Then he decided to open fire. 

"Whoa dude, what the fuck?!" One of them yelled, ducking behind a dumpster. The other hid behind a building. He stopped for a moment to make sure they weren't his brothers. When he could clearly tell they weren't, he jumped out.

Hyungwon walked up to the men. "You move, you die. Where is she?" The men acted as if they didn't know what he was talking about. "This is where my sister walks. Where is she? Y'all have the sex sweat. Where is she, I'm not gonna ask you much more!" They gestured over toward the dumpster. Hyungwon kept his aim. "Start praying," he said. "If she's in there, dead, I'm killing you. If she's hanging on by a thread, I'm killing you. If she's not there, I'm killing you. In any case, I will kill you." Hyungwon climbed up and looked in the dumpster before screaming out. "You fuckers!" He stepped in the dumpster for a second to check her pulse. "Kneel down. Now." The two men kneeled down behind the dumpster. He shot once. Twice. Three times. And a fourth. When he lowered his gun, that's how I knew they were dead. Hyungwon put the safety on his gun, slipping it into his pocket. He reached down in the dumpster, attempting to grab his sister. When he got her he rushed to the car, laying her in the backseat. "Call my brothers, tell them I'm going to the hospital." I nodded, grabbing his phone. He rushed as fast as he could to get there. "Kyungwon," he mumbled. "You gotta make it. Please." I didn't want to look back. All I knew was that I was terrified. And I think Hyungwon was too.


	9. nine.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kihyun meets Minhyuk and Jooheon, and am unwanted person.

It had been hours since everyone arrived at the hospital. I met Minhyuk and Jooheon for the first time. They seemed nice. When Hyungwon disappeared I began to worry. But Jooheon kept me stuck in a conversation. "So, what's up with you? How'd you get wrapped up with Hyungwon?" He asked.

I shrugged. "Met on the school roof, I was feeling dysphoric, he was smoking, I took a few hits and got fucked up, he took me home to watch me and when my mother showed up, we kinda ran away together."

I was growing impatient. Hyungwon had been gone for way too long. "What's your mother like? If you don't mind my asking?" Jooheon handed me his bag of chips that I politely declined.

"Naive, stupid, ignorant, oblivious, a sex addicted whore who believes her fiance over her son." I stood up, grabbing my phone. "We can talk a bit later, I have to go to the bathroom." Jooheon nodded, letting me go. I didn't have to go to the bathroom, I had to find Hyungwon. I walked by the bathrooms, nothing. I walked through the staircases, nothing. I didn't get anything until I heard commotion in an unassigned room. 

The first voice I didn't recognize, was chuckling darkly. "You think you can run from me, Hyungwon?" He asked. It was Minhyuk. "You think you can act like we were never a thing? Yeah, my mother adopted you. That means nothing. What does mean something is the way I'd fuck you in my room, and the way I wouldn't stop, even if someone walked in to ask me what I wanted for dinner. I just hid you. And boy, was it hard to keep you quiet."

Hyungwon's voice came out in a cryish moan. "That's not how this goes anymore... We're brothers. You can't ignore that anymore. Fuck..." He gasped.

"I can't do what now?" Minhyuk asked. "You spend time on the streets and you think you're hard now? You're crumbling into my hands right now. You can act like you don't want me, but you know you do." He chuckled, the sound of a kiss following after.

What Hyungwon said next surprised me. "No, I don't want you. I want Kihyun." My jaw dropped... He didn't want me, he couldn't have. "I want him. I love him. I want to protect him and do what's best for him and what's right by him." I refused to believe what I'd heard. He didn't want me.

Minhyuk began laughing, fully. "Y-You want him? He can't even offer sex to you and you thrive off of it. You'd only pull the most fucked up thing and cheat on him with me, your brother." The word "brother" fell from his mouth like venom. "You know..." I heard a smack, followed by Hyungwon's erotic gasp. "That you want me to destroy you now. You know you do, bad boy. Come on and let me do it."

I couldn't take it anymore, the way Minhyuk was talking to him. "Baby, there you are!" I giggled, running and jumping into Hyungwon's arms. I kissed him sweetly, holding onto him tightly. Minhyuk rolled his eyes, leaving the room. I let go of him after I was sure Minhyuk was gone.

"How long were you standing there?" Hyungwon asked, freaking out. "Oh God, oh shit, oh fuck!" He turned his back to me, having a bit of a breakdown.

I sighed softly, "Long enough. And if you have a boner, you can turn back around I don't care. I know it was because Minhyuk knew your kinks, not because of me." I walked up to him and wrapped my arms around him. "And I can offer sex," I mumbled. "It's okay. And you already could guess I was falling for you. I just wanna know why you fell for me?" I let my hand guide skip down into Hyungwon's jeans, resting there for a bit. He went to stop me but I grabbed his hand with my other one. "Stop, I want to do this."

Hyungwon bit his lip, looking down at my hands. "Then lock the door." I smiled softly, turning around to do exactly that. "Now, I fell for you, more than I expected to, when I damn near killed Abe right then and there. I have to protect you. I love you and care about you and want nothing but the best for you. We've only known each other for less than a week. But damn, I want you Kihyun." He said. I walked back to him, unbuckling his jeans. 

"Let's make this quick," I smiled softly. Before we could even start, Hyungwon's phone rang. "Fuck." 

Hyungwon couldn't help but laugh as he answer the phone. "Hello?" He asked. "She is? Oh my God, I'll meet you guys there." I furrowed my eyebrows as he turned around to me, fixing his pants again. "She's alive..." His voice cracked as he smiled, tears falling. I hugged him tightly, smiling with him. 

"Come on," I smiled softly. We walked to her room, holding hands. As we walked in, Minhyuk gave us a dirty glare, causing Hyungwon to let go of my hand. 

Jooheon sighed softly. "Looks like that reassignment surgery is coming quicker than we thought."

Hyungwon glared at Jooheon. "They didn't..." He mumbled.

"Oh, but they did." Jooheon was holding Kyungwon's hand, waiting for any sign of activity. "She's stable but still in a coma."

I was slightly lost on what they were talking about for a minute. "What's... What's that mean? What else did they do besides try to kill her?" I asked softly.

Minhyuk cut his eyes at me. "They did her a favor actually, cut the dick off." He said, irritated that I even existed. Join the club, man. "You're not family and you don't even know her, so what the hell are you even doing here? Just because she's trans doesn't mean she'd want to associate with the likes of you." I know he was only irritated that Hyungwon loved me, but damn that hurt. 

I started walking out of the room, turning back to Hyungwon. "I'll be in the car."

I walked to the exit to the parking garages, stopping dead in my tracks when the elevator opened up. "Your mother... She's here." Abraham spoke to me in panic. "I came home... From the store. And she was... Sora, she was..." He couldn't speak.

"Dead? Almost dead? Tried to kill herself?" His lack of response told me I was right. "Good. I don't give a shit. We're Korean, stronger than that American girl shit. I don't know why the fuck you expect me to care when I was bleeding out on the bathroom floor and she told me to get over it. When you're the cause of my suicidal thoughts and attempts. Don't fucking talk to me about anyone trying to kill themselves."

I tried to rush by him, but he pulled me back to the elevator, putting the emergency stop in action. I was stuck with him and at this point, I couldn't even panic. "You ungrateful little bitch. She raised you. She matured you. She taught you right from wrong and you don't care?"

I scoffed, staring at him. "She barely raised me. She didn't teach me shit. She didn't mature me. You did that shit and you did it in the sickest manner. I grew up because of what you do to me. I'm not gonna me thankful and grateful for that shit. So..." I finally did what I wanted and spit in his face like he'd done to me plenty of times. "Fuck you, bitch." I knew I was asking for something in return but right now, even though I have one reason to live, it doesn't outweigh the plenty of reasons to fucking end it. If he killed me now, I wouldn't mind. And he almost had it. 

He wrapped his hands around my neck and I didn't even fight him. "I oughta teach you more, you fucking idiot." The familiar feeling came back. I was free from him for almost three years and now it was right back. "I couldn't wait to fuck you," he spat, letting go of my neck before I passed out. I sent myself to my safe place. He could do whatever he wanted to me. I wasn't present. 

When it was over, I still hadn't come back. All I knew was that I was walking around the parking garage, aimlessly. A deafening horn blew, barely scaring me. When I glanced over, I took in the site of Hyungwon. "Ki, what's wrong?" He asked, getting out of the car. I couldn't move, my breath hitching when he touched me. "Hey, baby look at me." I couldn't look at him. When he tilted my face toward him, he gasped, looking at my neck and my chest. "Wh-What happened? Who did this?" I couldn't answer him. My knees fell weak and I collapsed into his arms. My senses faded on me, hearing Hyungwon scream for help. "Minhyuk! Please come help me!" He said, I assumed he caught sight of Minhyuk leaving. That was the last thing I heard.


	10. ten.

I was coming around in the hotel room, an argument happening as I slept. "Minhyuk, I swear to God, I'm going to down a bottle of xan if you do not shut the fuck up. I'm not having sex with you. You're not jerking me off. I'm stressed out, but not that stressed. Don't make me push off that fucking balcony." I groaned softly, turning over. 

"Come on," Minhyuk groaned. Shit, I wanted to shoot Minhyuk if it meant he'd lay the fuck off.

I shifted a bit more. "Shut the hell up!" I yelled, covering my head with a pillow. "My head fucking hurts."

Hyungwon came over to me. "Can I hold you?" He asked. I didn't really want to be touched, but it was him. I nodded, letting him crawl into bed with me.

"Oh, lovely," Minhyuk chuckled. "I could just about throw up." He remarked.

I rolled my eyes. "There's a whole ass trash can in the lobby. I find it more disgusting to keep pursuing someone who doesn't fucking want you," I shrugged. "But what do I know? I know what I want and what I want is for you, my headache, to crawl back to the depths of hell it came from. Bye." I wasn't having it.

It fell silent for a bit before I heard the hotel door open and shut heavily. "What happened to you, Ki? I found your wandering the parking garage at the hospital and your neck is bruised."

I remembered everything, every single touch, movement. But, it was better to stay absent. "You did?" I asked softly. "I don't know. I just want to sleep." I mumbled, shuffling into Hyungwon's arms. 

"Did he do it?" Hyungwon asked.

I shrugged. "I don't remember anything that happened." I looked up slightly. "Wow, you look so kissable right now." I mumbled, giving him a soft kiss.

Hyungwon couldn't help but smile at me. "Stop trying to distract me," he chuckled. Hyungwon made me feel a certain way. I wanted to open up to him and let him have me. All of me. He was the only person to love all of me. Respect all of me. That's all it took to make me fall for him.

I should just tell him... But I'll lose him. "Is it working?" I asked, my hand running across his chest.

Hyungwon wrapped his arms around me. "A little bit," he smiled, kissing my neck.

"Then," I shifted to straddle him. "I'm not trying." I wanted to push the limits with Hyungwon. Every limit.

We were stuck in a steamy make out session until Hyungwon moved his hands from my back to my hips. I froze up, my entire image of this intense moment quickly becoming distorted.

"Sora," he said. "You're so disrespectful, darling." His hands left my neck, grabbing hips harsher. "You're so sexy... And so disrespectful. What on earth am I supposed to do with you?" Almost in a flash, it seemed, my shirt was gone, exposing my sports bra which was easier to take off than a binder and way less masculine. My jeans dropped ever so slightly, enough to expose what I didn't have. Within moments, the pressure and strain on my hips increased significantly. I was spoken to in the most derogatory, dehumanzing ways. I was treated like the sex toy everyone saw.

As I emerged from my memory, I found myself shaking. Crying and shaking. Moaning through a clenched jaw, crying and shaking. "Kihyun!"  Hyungwon said, trying to shake me out of my anxiety attack. "Shh, baby I'm sorry. Hey, I didn't mean to, we were caught up in the moment..." He spoke to me softly, holding me tightly. I shook my head, moaning more. I was trapped in my mind and I couldn't get out. Here Hyungwon was and for the moment, he transformed into Abraham, my thoughts painting that violent picture. I flashed back to the hospital as the lie was slowly getting to me. I wasn't ready to lose Hyungwon. So the lie was just going to have to get to me. "Ki, look me in my eyes," Hyungwon murmured, gently holding my face. When we locked eyes, I could tell it was him. I was looking into the warm brown eyes of someone I wanted, not the icy blue perverted stare of someone I didn't want. It was the first thing I noticed that brought me back to reality.

As my breathing slowed, I saw Hyungwon smile. A smile of relief. "There you go, Ki... Come on," he whispered softly. "Come back to me. Come back to Hyungwon. It's okay, you're okay." I grabbed onto his shoulders, picking myself up. His arms wrapped around my waist, giving me a vice like squeeze. "Can I do this?"

I nodded softly. "Please don't stop doing this." Deep pressure therapy helped me immensely. I felt my body melt in his arms, drowsiness coming back around. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that to happen... You didn't do anything wrong, knowingly." I tried to comfort him as well. It was clear that he was scared of whay he'd done to me. It wasn't him.

"Hips are a triggering place for you?" Hyungwon asked, rubbing small finger circles into my back. I nodded again, snuggling deeper into him. Hyungwon laid back, effectively laying me on top of him like a koala bear would. "My ass is a trigger for me, if it makes you feel any better. The moment someone brushes against me, my senses rise." He continued to rub my back.

I looked up at him. "Minhyuk?" I asked hesitantly. 

Hyungwon stilled a bit. "Yeah..." He mumbled.

"Are you su- oh, nevermind." I was scared to ask him what I wanted. 

He furrowed his eyebrows. "Talk to me."

I bit my lip, sitting up. "You say you were just as willing to have sex with him..." I began. "Are you sure you were?" I asked.

"Yes," Hyungwon deadpanned. "I was just as willing to suck his dick as he was to fuck me." I felt the lie. I felt it, it was the same lie I'd say trying to convince people I was fine. 

I cocked my head. "Hmm, really?" I said. "Because, the way Minhyuk had you by the balls earlier didn't seem like a consensual horniness. It seemed more like the horniness your body couldn't control."

He avoided my gaze for a bit. "It was consensual when I was younger. When I was learning, I wanted nothing more than to jump his bones." He paused for a moment. "Then he became more and more... Violent." I held onto Hyungwon's hands, looking at his expression. He was tough on the outside, broken on the inside.

"Talk to me about it." I sat him up, staring into his eyes.

He was hesitant to speak. "My first time, I'd gone to him because I thought my penis was broken. Ms. Lee was on vacation and Minhyuk was watching us. And I was able to go to him in typical boy panic. And he said, 'No, kid... It's not broken. It just... Needs to release. You're aroused.' And I was even more scared. What did that mean? He explained what was happening and what probably happened for me to end up horny. I asked him what I was supposed to do about it. That's when he closed the door. And I wasn't nervous or scared at all. I just wanted the relief. He told me to unbuckle my pants and let them down just enough. 'You know how some times you hold it when you go to the bathroom? You're gonna put your hand on it like that. But instead of just holding it, you're going to move your hand with it.' And even that didn't make sense. To me. So he told me to sit tight for a bit. He was going to show me what to do. He put his earbuds in and sat on his bed, looking at his phone. A few minutes later, he was in the same state, slightly palming at his jeans. He put down his phone and took off his pants as well. And he began... You know." I nodded, following along so far. "But I couldn't do it. I was about 13, meaning he was like 15. So, he helped me. He helped the both of us. And we were a mess. And every time I got horny, I went to him." Hyungwon sighed a bit.

I shrugged. "That's not the end of it, I know."

He nodded, "You're right." He had to take a moment. "He taught me about kinks. And he let me test things out with him. If you care to know, I'm a switch. I have a daddy kink. Spanking, choking and asphyxiation, oversensitivity and orgasm denial. I love it. Giving and receiving. He taught me that. At least, I used to be able to take spanking. We were voyeuristic, doing anything we wanted with the danger of being caught. We didn't care. But he began to use sex negatively. Using our kinks way too much. If I didn't do dishes right, he'd spank me and grope me and then growl in my ear that he wanted me upstairs, waiting for him. If I was late home from school without notice, I'd be choked and pinned against a wall, grinded up against. He never... He never was an Abraham. He just never knew how to quit. And it was abusive. But I refuse to ever say it. Ever." His began shaking his leg, his hands getting sweaty.

"Say what?" I asked. I knew exactly what he wanted to never say.

He glared at me. "Don't. Don't. I'm not gonna fucking say it. He's toxic and abusive but I was never a-" He took a deep breath. "He was the adjective, I was never the verb." Hyungwon let go of my hands. "Now that I've opened up, It's time for you to stop lying to me." He said.

I sighed, rolling my eyes. "Lying about what?"

He didn't show any more emotion except a cold game face on. "What happened to you and who did it? I know that was a PTSD type of episode you just had. You had one earlier too." He crossed his arms.

I laid down, turning my back to him as I spoke. "My mother's in the hospital, because I guess she tried to kill herself. So, obviously, he was there."

Hyungwon got up. "I fucking knew it. He did it again! Didn't he?" I didn't answer, which gave him is answer.

"Please, do not do anything," I pleaded. "Let's just turn on a movie." Hyungwon sighed and laid back down with me, cuddling up to me. We didn't speak for quite a while, until we got phone calls. Hyungwon got one from Jooheon, I got one from Abraham. We answered them and hung up simultaneously.

And as we got up and looked at each other, we let out a shaky sigh as we said the same exact phrase. "She's coding..."


	11. eleven.

Despite what Hyungwon wanted, we went our separate ways as we went to the hospital. I hated my mother, but I needed to see her. I hated Abraham more, but I had to see him. As I approached her room, she looked worse than I had expected. "She's fading fast, Sora... I don't know what to do." He sounded crushed. Broken. "I'd just die if I lost her. If she died... I'd be nothing. No more."

His presence and his mopey sob story was completely nauseating. "You were already nothing. If you're just gonna sit here, feeling sorry for yourself, then I'm fucking leaving." And as I turned around, I spat words that I knew I'd come to regret. "And I hope she does." He didn't try to come for me, and I'm grateful for that at least. 

I rushed off to find Hyungwon. We were both in the ICU, he wasn't far. "Kihyun," Jooheon said, running up to me breathlessly. "Go stop him from doing some stupid shit."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Where is he?" I asked, looking around.

"Parking lot," he sharply exhaled. Jooheon reached in his pocket, grabbing his inhaler. "He said he was going after any man who ever did her wrong. He might as well kill the entire goddamn city." My eyes widened as I felt the sense of urgency.

I ran downstairs, not patient enough for the elevators. "Hyungwon!" I yelled as I got down to the front parking lot. "Hyungwon, where are you?" I called. I saw his car headlights on and I took a deep breath before running to the car. Almost immediately, he pulled out of the parking lot, speeding off. 

I shook my head running after him. I had an advantage when his car stalled at the end of the parking lot. I ran as fast as I could to catch up to him. As I approached the car, I noticed him at the wheel, bawling his eyes out. I tried to grab the handle, trying to open the door. Hyungwon rolled down the window, sniffling. His hand reached out to push me away. "Get out of here, Ki..." He sighed. "Please just go..." I glanced down to see his gun sitting in his lap. "This is why you shouldn't love me." I was confused.

"Hyungwon," I mumbled. "What's that supposed to mean? What are you talking about?" I tried to open the door again.

He sniffled, unlocking the door. "Take this away from me, please." I opened the door, gingerly getting the gun from him. Hyungwon sighed, letting go of it. 

I furrowed my eyebrows, disarming it. "The fuck is wrong with you? Kyungwon wouldn't want you to do that. Are you fucking crazy?" I ran my hand through my hair as he glared up at me.

"Yeah," Hyungwon snapped. "I kind of fucking am. I kind of am fucking crazy, you fucking annoying little shit." His words, the first words he'd ever said to me out of pure anger, they hurt. I wonder if he saw my eyes begin to gloss over. "D-Did I take medicine today?" He asked softly. 

I couldn't tell if he was asking me or himself, but I didn't want to talk to him. But then he began really thinking. "Not today, no." 

Hyungwon nodded as he began to look for something. "That explains it." He reached into the console between the seats.

"Explains what?" I asked. "You acting like a fucking maniac?"

Hyungwon scoffed, grabbing his medicine. "Quetiapine fumarate, take three times by mouth daily. How many times did I take it yesterday?" He asked.

I shrugged, not really knowing. "Once for sure." I bit my lip, slowly feeling more and more like an asshole.

"Yes, it explains why I'm acting like a fucking maniac, Kihyun." He went ahead and took a pill. "I'm starting to have a manic episode, smartass." My jaw dropped slowly. "Yes, hello. Welcome to my mini sob story. I have bipolar disorder. And normally I'm good. I'm on top of my medicine. I haven't had an episode in almost a year. Neither a depression or a manic one. Shit didn't get fucked up until you came around." Wow, nice. I feel like shit even more. "And I say things I really don't mean when I get like this. I'm really sorry in advance. Please don't take anything I say really personally."

I furrowed my eyebrows a bit. "So, since you're falling into mania... Did you mean anything that happened yesterday? Did you really want me, or did Minhyuk drag a lie out of you? Do you love me? I almost let my guard down for you. Did you mean any of that?" I asked, slowly feeling worse and worse.

"Don't you have a dying egg donor to go see?" He asked. "Honestly, I'm not in the mood for the damn interrogation. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. But this is why you shouldn't have false hope for you and me." With that, I turned around, walking back to the hospital.

Jooheon and Minhyuk stood up upon my arrival. "Where is he?" Jooheon asked.

I pointed outside. "He wants to be left alone. He doesn't have it armed."

Minhyuk rolled his eyes as Jooheon took a deep breath. "I'm going out there," Minhyuk mumbled.

"Didn't I just fucking tell you he wants to he left alone?" I asked.

Minhyuk turned to me and chuckled. "Listen here, you trender. Don't talk to me about my fucking brother like you know him. You don't know shit."

I walked up to him, chuckling softly. "I know you sexually harassed him yesterday and that he doesn't fucking want you, pervert." I mumbled in his ear. 

"And I know he's capable of making his lack of consent heard, unlike you," Minhyuk chuckled. I froze up a bit. "You think I was clueless to what happened? You clearly looked fucked up." He pulled away to walk outside again.

I decided to follow him. Hyungwon put me in a bad mood and I wasn't gonna let Minhyuk talk shit to me. "You think that's some shit to be cocky about?" I yelled. "Huh? I get fucking raped in a goddamn elevator and it's suddenly material for you to use against me?"

Hyungwon had driven into the parking lot again and I heard his car beep. "Easy, trender, you know it's not even like that." Minhyuk said.

"Call me trender one more time, you son of a fucking bitch. Did you call your sister that?" 

Minhyuk turned around and glared at me. "My family is none of your fucking concern. And you just look like you're butching it for the rest of your life. What's your point, pass around?" He stopped walking getting in my face.

Hyungwon walked up behind him. "Hit him, I dare you, bitch." Minhyuk quickly turned around. "Don't fucking talk to me, don't fucking touch me, don't even fucking look at me. Something tells me Kihyun told you not to come out here and your headass wanted to start shit. Go the fuck home or something." Hyungwon looked over both of us, glancing inside. "Oh fuck both of you," he groaned, running inside. I followed him, curious about what happened. 

Me and Minhyuk fighting sent Jooheon into a panic attack. "You're honestly a nuisance to my entire family, just go the fuck away." Minhyuk said, walking by me. As I began to turn away, I caught sight of Abraham, coming toward me.

"Not now," I said, my voice cracking a bit.

He ignored me. "She's been coding for a while, Sora."

My face dropped a bit. "Ki, what does that mean?" Hyungwon asked, trying to calm Jooheon.

"It means my mother might've killed herself." I began running to the ICU, praying to God that he didn't take my words seriously. I didn't want my mother dead. I wanted Abraham gone. God owed me this much. He took my father away from me, he put me in the wrong body. The least he could do was save my mother. 

As I approached her room they tried to give up. "Guys... There's some activity. Don't give up yet." I watched intently as they continued to shock her. The anxiety began to suffocate me. I sat on the floor, tears falling down my face, begging Him not to take her. I began hitting my head against the wall softly, cursing myself for even thinking a sentence like that. I knew I'd come to regret it.


	12. twelve.

"Mama..." I mumbled. "Mama, please don't go." I kept hitting my head against the wall.

Abraham turned to me, raising his hand to slap me. "You bitch, you caused this!" I didn't feel the impact of his hand. "I-I can't even fucking look at you right now, let alone fucking touch you." He stormed off as I continued to watch them trying to save my mother's life.

Hyungwon approached me, sitting next to me. "Stop it," he said. I shook my head, as it intensified. I couldn't stop it. I was trying to wake myself up, because there was no way my mother was dying. "Hey!" Hyungwon grabbed my head.

"Get off of me!" I screamed as he straddled my lap, trying to hold my head still.

The doctor walked out, coming to talk to me. "She's stable again... But she's fading. If and when she wakes up again, you're gonna want to talk with her. She's not looking good at all."

As the doctor walked away, I rushed in to the room, sitting in a chair next to my mother. I stayed there for hours and hours turned into days. Hyungwon would watch the door for me, as well as bring me food. I never ate it, but it was the thought that counted.

On the third day, she began to move her hand under my head. "Hey love," she mumbled.

I looked up, almost refusing to believe it. "Mama?" I asked. 

"What's your name?" She asked, seemingly confused.

I furrowed my eyesbrows. It took me a moment, but knowing she was dying, I decided to bite the bullet. "Mama, it's Sora." 

My mother shook her head. "I-It never occurred to me that I had never even listened to you. I never listened when you were younger, I never listened as you were begging for help, I never listened as you told me what your name was. I-I don't even know your name," she whispered, tears falling.

I looked back at Hyungwon, almost asking for permission to tell her. Not that I needed it, but I wasn't sure if I should've. Because what if she just turned around and used my name out of spite? Then again, I remembered that she was dying. It was inevitable at this point. Hyungwon shrugged a bit. I gulped down a breath, turning back to her. "M-My name is Kihyun, Mama..." I was nervous to come out about it, even though I'd done it before.

"Kihyun... That's a nice name. A handsome one." She smiled softly. "For a handsome son of mine." I felt wrong. I felt set up. I didn't know what good thing to feel, it just didn't feel right. "Now, talk to me... About everything."

I let everything out. "I... That man took everything from me. My innocence, my childhood, my happiness, my health... He took my mother from me." She nodded softly, closing her eyes. "He did the worst things to me, Mama... And you didn't believe me just because I'm trans. That, in your eyes, was just proof that I wasn't a truthful human being. This isn't a facade, this is me. And I... Just why? Why did you believe a man over your child?" I asked.

She sighed. "I don't know love, I'm sorry... I was blind. And I wasn't smart. I didn't want to leave." My mother was slowly falling asleep on me.

"Why did I get a lecture about trying to kill myself... And now here you are, struggling from a suicide attempt?" I asked. Anger was now beginning to talk for me.

She shrugged. "I wish I'd done things so differently for you. I'm sorry, Kihyun. I love you. I love you so much." 

I nodded, "I love you too, Mama. Despite everything, I should completely depise you. But you're my mama, and I don't want to live without you. You're still my everything. You still raised me. I-I'm not the girl you raised. But, you still taught me how to be a good person, and I know that I know how to be a good man. I can be a good man, Mama... I promise." My own tears began to fall.

My mother caressed my face softly. "I know you can be. You find someone who can and will take care of you the way you'll take care of them. And treat them with nothing but respect. Because that's the child I raised. And I know I was never a good example. But I know you've been taught what not to be. I love you, Kihyun..." Her faded softly and her monitor began beeping rapidly. 

"No..." I mumbled. "No, no, no! Mama!" I pressed the emergency call button, tears streaming down my face. "Someone help me, please!" Doctors began to come in, pushing me out of the room. Hyungwon grabbed onto me, taking me into the hall. I felt weak as my knees gave out under me. He sat me down in his lap, holding me tightly. I began to hit my head against his chest. I began praying. I knew my mother believed in God. I didn't know what I believed in, but I know she'd want this. "Pray with me..." I mumbled, grabbing onto Hyungwon's hand. "Please, I know we doubt but Mama would want me to. Please pray with m-"

Hyungwon shushed me, wrapping his arms around me as he continued to hold my hand. "Dear Father, we call on you now. Please spare his mother. Whether it's in this life or the next, please bless her. She's made mistakes but he believes deep inside that she deserves your grace. And we know You're gracious. Please Lord, bless this family. And if we lose her, please choose to gain an angel, Lord." I was speechless, almost. He did that for me. 

I took a deep breath, watching intently. They'd been trying for almost twenty minutes to save her. It was over. She was almost gone. They looked at each other and I felt Hyungwon grab me tighter. "Time of death, 21:16..." 

I cried harder, leaning down into my lap, letting it all go. "Wh-What's today's date?" I asked, realizing something.

"It's September 5th... Why?" He asked holding onto me.

I shook my head, crying harder. "This... It's her birthday today. And she was born at this time, 33 years ago. What the fuck, man..." Hyungwon hushed me, holding me tightly. "I just hope she's an angel... Because I forgive her. God, can you hear me this time? I forgive her."

Hyungwon began to help me stand up, taking me away. We walked past Abraham, and Hyungwon stopped. "Give me your key," he demanded. 

"Why?" He asked.

Hyungwon got closer to him. "Don't make me fucking repeat myself." Abraham nodded, handing over his keys. "I know your worthless ass doesn't have a car, it's just Ms. Yoo's car. And unfortunately she passed away. So thank you for the keys to her car and her house." We began walking away again before Hyungwon turned around. "And you, you lost your excuse to use and abuse my boyfriend. If I even hear that you were around there, I will find you and kill you. If you touch him, I'll beat your ass. You don't want me to get pissed off. I oughta kill you for all you've done anyway. It ends today, Abe. It fucking ends today. And you're going back to jail." After his speech, we began walking to the front.

Minhyuk bumped into me, just to bother me. "Enough. Don't fuck with me right now." Minhyuk just laughed, continuing to pester me.

"Oh come on, trender, loosen up a bit." His laughter stopped as he got punched in the fucking mouth.

I glared at him, fist balled tightly. "Disrespect me like again, you piece of shit. My mother just fucking died, don't even begin with me." I looked at my hand and saw the blood. I wiped my hand to see I didn't cut myself, so the blood was all from Minhyuk. "Leave me the fuck alone." Hyungwon grabbed my hand, guiding me out.

As we approached my mother's car, I sighed, not having rode in this car for years. "I'm sorry," Hyungwon sighed. "I'm gonna take you home."

I nodded slightly. "Do me a few favors though. And then I don't wanna talk anymore." Hyungwom nodded. "One, if I'm not your boyfriend, you don't have to talk to anyone else as if I am. We barely know each other. Two, at the same time, I don't want you to leave alone, so please come with me. Three..." I took a deep breath and burst into tears again. "Don't trust anything I say when I say I'm okay. I'm scared of myself and I shouldn't be trusted so please don't trust me." 

Hyungwon drove into my old driveway. "Okay, Ki... I got you." We went inside and I immediately went into my mother's room. I grabbed her favorite blanket, my baby blanket. It smelled just like her. I looked at it and noticed a few drops of blood on it. I cried softly, sitting on the floor, holding the blanket. Hyungwon came upstairs and held me. And it felt nice, it felt okay... But it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted my Mama.


	13. thirteen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kihyun doesn't know where to turn; Hyungwon reveals his feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Detail about a suicide attempt, read with caution.

"Ki," Hyungwon mumbled. "Come on, you gotta get up. I gotta go to work."

I shrugged him off. "Just go. I'm fine." I looked down at the blanket in my arms.

He sighed, "You told me not to believe you when you said so. It's been a couple days and you haven't moved or eaten." His concern was clear, even though he often hid his emotions.

"I'm fine, really. It's fine. Go to work." Hyungwon didn't want to press me, so he decided to go ahead and go. And I wish he'd listened to what I'd told him the day my mother died. It was September 7th now, and even though I felt fine, I knew it wouldn't last. I was only able to convince myself I was fine for a little while. 

It had been a while since Hyungwon left,  and I was finally able to get up. The tear flowed the moment I looked around the room and understood that I was in my late mother's room, I just wanted her back. I was 17 years old, she was only 33 years old. In hindsight, my father was only 19 years old. I guess we just die young. Billy Joel did say only the good die young. Means my parents were good people, that I was a good person. We'd just been through shitty things.

As I made my way to the bathroom, I saw the smeared blood on the tile floor. Hyungwon tried to clean it up, I assumed. I reached into the cabinet I used to place the blades in. Surprisingly, Hyungwon hadn't hidden anything. 

I took one out and surveyed it intently. I gingerly ran my thumb across the blade, hissing slightly at the slice. I saw how quickly I began to bleed only through my finger. I took a deep breath, tears just streaming fast. "Mama... I'm sorry... I'm sorry that I wasn't the daughter you wanted. I'm sorry that Sora was taken away from you. But Kihyun was here. But you were taken from me. Too many times."

I heard a voice call my name. "Kihyun... There's a light inside the dark." It was my mother. I could hear her. "The days are long and cold and broken. Filled with scars. I know it ain't to keep moving on. So you can come on home to me." I wanted to feel her embrace. I needed her. 

"Mama, I'm tired..." I whispered. I looked at the blade.

She spoke again. "You don't have to stay, Kihyun." I was going insane, wasn't I? "Come take my hand, you've had enough."

I couldn't think about anyone else. I couldn't think about anything else. I just wanted to feel my mom's hug, something I hadn't felt in about eight years. "I'm coming, Mama," I said, sniffling hard. I pressed the edge of the blade into my wrist and almost gagged at the pain. But I knew it was the last thing I'd feel. I dragged that evil piece of metal up my arm, gasping out, hyperventilating from panic and fear. But I knew I'd have nothing to fear anymore. I quickly switched arms, reciprocating my moves to my right arm, lightheadedness coming to stay.

I dropped the blade on the floor, crying and panicking. Suddenly, Hyungwon came into my mind. I wanted him to pull me back. I wanted my mother's love and never got it, and now I yearned for it more. But there was a Hyungwon who protected me more than she ever did. He didn't hesitate to threaten someone's life for me. My mother had her doubts. Hyungwon didn't turn and run when my mother maliciously outted me to him, in an attempt to force me back home with a man who would never stop having his way with me. He quickly called me by my pronouns and never once uttered my dead name. My mother did it until the day she died. I didn't want her, I didn't need her. I wanted Hyungwon... I needed that boy. He saved me many times before, but I didn't think he'd save me this time. And I was terrified, realizing I was dying alone.

So, with my last few breaths, I began screaming for help. "Help me! Someone help me, please! Oh God, somebody! I-I can't get to my phone!" I really couldn't. I glanced down to see how much blood I'd lost. It was like someone dropped a bag of donated blood on the floor and within two minutes, it looked like two bags had been dropped.

My front door opened. I didn't know if it was Hyungwon or Abraham, and I didn't care at this point. I just wanted to be saved. "Help me! Please! I-I-I'm losing a lot of b-blood!" I hunched over the sink, trying to grab onto something. I felt my heart race faster and faster, trying to get blood to the rest of my body. 

"Paramedics are on their way, trender..." Minhyuk's voice rang out. I assumed he used the nickname so I'd know who was there. "Why, Kihyun?" He asked, holding me up.

I shook my head. "M-M-Mama..." I couldn't figure out how to formulate a simple sentence anymore. I was fading fast. 

Minhyuk pulled me out of the bathroom, sitting down in the hallway. Another voice was able to be heard. "It took my ten minutes to decide that I needed to come back home..." Hyungwon's voice wavered, tears making their prescence known. "You almost fucking left me, why'd you come back, you fucking moron?"

I knew he was scared, the only reason he was being so harsh. I opened my eyes for a few seconds, long enough to mumble to him. "Y-You." I felt my eyes flutter shut as I gasped out for another breath that I couldn't exhale.

"See, they sewed up his arms, he's getting a blood transfusion now. He didn't go all the way on his right arm, saved that vein." Minhyuk was explaining to someone how I was doing. "Oh shit, Wonnie!" I heard a body be grabbed by someone. "Come sit down," he mumbled. Hyungwon almost collapsed, I could tell.

"I tried to protect him... I failed. I failed to protect Kyungwon, Kihyun, Jooheon... I failed." He began to get hysterical.

Minhyuk shushed him. "Did you take your medicine?" He asked.

I heard a slap that would've made me jump if I was awake. "That won't fucking fix what I feel right now. And I probably fucking haven't. But I don't want it. I want Kihyun to wake up."

I wanted to wake up too. "He will. But you need to take care of yourself." It fell silent for a bit before I heard Minhyuk groan. "No," he chuckled. "You're manic. Not only that, the one you love, or whoever you wanna call him is laying half dead in a hospital bed less than five feet away from you. I'm not gonna have sex with you." I didn't feel any anger as I heard that either... It was Hyungwon's outlet, as he'd said before. I just wanted to wake up, damn it.

"That never stopped you before," Hyungwon laughed sadly, lust and fear intertwining in his voice. "Please. I don't want to think about it. Please. Please let me just screw your brains out." He sounded desperate and convincing. Please, Minhyuk, tell him no. I'm trying to wake up, tell him no.

When I didn't hear anything afterward, I took a deep breath through my nose. Then I tried with my mouth, instantly choking on the breathing tube. "Oh my God!" Hyungwon yelled. My eyes shot open, catching a glance of him running to my bedside. "Kihyun, baby, use your nose, they're coming to take it out." Tears blinked from my eyes as I continued choking on the tube, slowly entering a panicking state. A doctor rushed in to take the tube out. "Oh God, Hyungwon whimpered, holding his stomach. Minhyuk took him to the bathroom I had in my room. I heard him throw up from his nerves. 

When he came back out, I smiled weakly. "Hi, Hyungwon..." I rasped out.

"Don't fucking 'hi' me, you fucking idiot. I should've known not to leave you alone!" He yelled. Minhyuk tried to calm him. "No, don't fucking touch me. I fucking love you kid, you hear that? You hear that shit? Chae Hyungwon, notorious delinquent and emotional desert, fucking loves you. I love you, dumbass and you almost left me!"

I coughed slightly, reaching for the water they'd given me. "I saw my Mama..." I mumbled. "I wanted her." That was the quickest answer.

"Then why the fuck did you come back? Why didn't you leave? Why did you start screaming for help?" He growled, angry and scared all in one.

I looked at him in his eyes. "You gave me everything she didn't. She died without giving me any of the things you do. And you met me a couple of weeks ago, and you live to do those things." I winced as I shifted my arm. "I came back for you. As I began to feel lightheaded, prepared to shake hands with probably Jesus himself, I thought of you." Hyungwon relaxed substantially, subsequently falling victim to more tears.

He wiped them away, looking me back into my eyes. "I'll kill for you, Kihyun. But you gotta live for me. Please. We love each other. We get each other. And, no, we can't be together right now, we're both fucking crazy but we will be alright eventually. And that's the day I will make you mine, okay?" I nodded, understanding him fully. "I'm here to take care of you. If you weren't on that roof that day..." Hyungwon paused for a moment. "You saved me, by being on that roof. I could've just 'tripped' and fallen off. But I decided to watch my steps carefully. I could've taken my xans and gotten deathly high and tried to fly. But I decided to be considerate of the other person in that space. If you weren't there that day, I wouldn't be here this day. I'm not gonna ever forsake you, Ki... Please, let me help you."

I nodded, sniffling softly. "Come wipe my tears," I chuckled a bit. Hyungwon matched my laugh and came over, wiping my tears away before leaning into a soft kiss. "Come up here, I like to sleep on my stomach, use my arms as pillows. But I'd love for you to just hold me, let me sleep on your arms." I yawned a bit, feeling the pain medicine kick in for me.

Hyungwon jumped into bed with me, being as careful as possible. "As you wish," he kissed my forehead, conforming to the position I wanted. It took no time for me to fall asleep.


	14. fourteen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minhyuk shows his real emotions; Hyungwon and Kihyun share more about themselves.

Hyungwon left to go get food while Minhyuk stayed with me and witnessed my therapy. I had to train my arms again. They got me working on raising it up first. "Ow, ow, ow... Fuck." I mumbled, tears threatening to flow. Even though my left arm was barely off the bed, I felt a ripping and searing pain come through my arms.

"Okay, let's stop for today," Minhyuk said. "You've gotten him only this far in an hour, let him rest. And can we get him pain medicine?" The therapist smiled and nodded as she prepared to change my bandaging. 

After she was done, I took a deep breath, a tear falling quickly. "I'm stupid," I mumbled.

Minhyuk was quick to change my tone. "No, you're not stupid," he sighed. "You're just a human in pain."

I furrowed my eyebrows a bit, looking at him. "Why are you nice to me suddenly? What did you come save me for?" I asked. He was being awfully kind.

He took a deep breath, walking closer to me. "I picked Hyungwon up, so you could have the car if you needed to go somewhere. And I asked him multiple times if that's what he wanted to do. He could call in sick and I'd vouch for him." He pulled up a chair and sat next to me. "We drove for five minutes when I noticed him getting antsy. He was shifting around in his seat, constantly checking his phone. Then I heard him begin to hyperventilate. And he was grabbing at his pants, shaking his head. I began to turn around."

I nodded softly. "Then what?" I bit my lip, feeling worse and worse. Hyungwon was clearly a tough guy and what I was hearing was a complete obliteration of a man's soul.

Minhyuk sighed softly. "He held his head in his lap, crying. And he told me he couldn't go in first. He needed me to come in. And I'll do anything for my brother, I really will. When we pulled up, I had to calm him down enough to be able to sit in the car and wait. Then you began screaming. I grabbed his keys and just ran. As I turned back to look at him, his skintone was gone... In retrospect, he was as pale as you. And I saw him struggle to even breathe. He was frozen." Minhyuk even began to cry. "You... I walked in and the floor and counter... Looked like a murder scene. I saw you stagger, and almost fall trying to get to the sink. I didn't want to call you 'trender' that time... But I knew you'd be confused about who was in your house..." Minhyuk took a deep breath. "Ki, I didn't think you were gonna make it. Kyungwon is still struggling to get through, we're trying to keep her brain bleed down, but she's thready. And I could see Hyungwon's beginning demise. Please, if you can't stay for anyone else, stay for him." Minhyuk was actually begging me. "I know... I know I have issues and I know he caught the tail end of them, I know he loves you and needs you around."

I shook my head lightly. "He doesn't know me. All he knows is that I'm trans and that I've been used and abused." I looked down at my arms, sighing softly.

"And? You don't know him at all. All you know is he's a foster child, he's got a psycho brother, a damn near incapable of surviving in society brother and a trans sister who is struggling through a deadly assault. You know he's bipolar. But don't know much more than that. I grew up with him. I know him." I shrugged a bit, avoiding eye contact.

Minhyuk grabbed my hand carefully as another voice piped up. "I'll tell you everything... And I mean every single thing, as long as you tell me everything." Hyungwon said, bringing in a take out plate. "I asked the doctors, they said I could feed you this. It's spinach artichoke stuffed chicken with wild rice. It's packed with iron, and you're bordering on iron deficient anemia."

My eyes widened a bit. "Wow, you know a lot about nutrients." Minhyuk had gotten up and left, allowing Hyungwon to sit with me.

"I've been taking care of Jooheon all his life. He's Type 1," he shrugged, opening the chicken. It smelled so good. I was actually hungry this time.

I furrowed my eyebrows. "What all does Jooheon have?" 

Hyungwon fed me a little bit of food. "What doesn't he have is a better question... He has asthma, type 1 diabetes, social anxiety, panic disorder. I'm careful when I say this one, he quote en quote 'had' autism. His doctors didn't diagnose him because it was never severe. Apparently, it was barely detectable, but that's where a lot of his anxieties come from. He's sensitive mostly to loud noises. And when he's overstimulated and I'm not paying attention, he repeats a word, to begin to calm himself down and when I finally hear him, he's got a playlist to listen to on a low volume. He had problems with his iron levels, which is why I know about this meal. And he's prone to seizures. But, he's not epileptic." Hyungwon had fed me a fourth of the meal by the time he was done with the list. "Here, drink some of this. It's a green smoothie." He held a cup up to my lip, helping me drink.

"Damn," I mumbled. "I'm sorry." He shrugges softly, sighing as he set my food down.

Hyungwon stared at me for a few seconds. "What do you wanna know?" He asked.

"Anything?" I questioned. I didn't really care where we started.

Hyungwon nodded a bit. "Minhyuk's not as bad as I made it seem. I'm trying to get back to normal with my manic state."

I nodded in understanding. "He said you gotta deal with a psycho brother. I assume it's him." Hyungwon cocked his head a bit.

"Not really," he began. "I mean, the sex and stuff... How it began, I guess. Yeah, that was fucking insane. But after I grew up, even after I was adopted. Every time I was stressed. I'd go to him to vent. But there would be no talking." He chuckled a bit. 

I decided to lighten the mood. "Where's the craziest spot you've ever done it? I know you're voyeuristic."

I got Hyungwon to laugh, successfully making myself smile. "Uhm... Honestly? A car? But I don't ever recall us being in a car not at home. Not to be raunchy, but he's a perfect switch." I chuckled, attempting to cover my smile before painfully realizing I couldn't. "Don't cover your face. It's cute. Plus you can't." Hyungwon chuckled.

I smiled again, picking the conversation back up. "Despite everything... I've had sex before." Hyungwon's eyes widened in both shock and confusion. "Yeah. It was with one of my friends, so nothing about love. He was cool, I guess. His name was Changkyun. He was an edgy ass teen, dude. Like Hot Topic reject. He had blonde hair up until the end of sophomore year. Eyebrow bar, lip piercing. Tattoos. Damn he was sexy."

Hyungwon placed his hand on mine. "Easy Ki, I get jealous, you know." He let go of my hand to avoid more awkwardness.

"Anyway, he protected me and we watched out for each other. And whenever we had questions that couldn't be found out with only ourselves, we... experimented. Let's just say that." I thought back about the first time. "When it began, it was a question of whether or not he was straight or not. Even though he knew I was trans, biologically, we could still test it out. He was bi, he told me later. We did it a few times after that. So, I do actually like sex when I obviously consent."

"You keep using past tense. Why?" Hyungwon asked, stealing a bite of my food.

I sighed a bit. "I knew something was wrong the moment he wore a blue shirt and jeans to school. I was even more concerned when he dyed his hair to a brown. He distanced himself from me, laughed with others. Kinda left me alone. He tried to kill himself a week later. He failed, but he had so many attempts, that he had to go to rehab. And I haven't seen him since. But I also haven't heard of him on the news, so that's good. But when he left, my wall was gone and everything got worse."

We talked for hours about basic things after that, getting to know each other. Then we were interrupted by both my doctor and Minhyuk. "Kihyun, you doctor's here to do vitals and change your gauze. Hyungwon, Jooheon's got like three things going all at once." Hyungwon furrowed his eyebrows.

"What does that mean?" He asked, getting up, grabbing his bag. 

Minhyuk took a deep breath. "Meltdown, low blood sugar, and he looks like he's about to pass out and have a seizure."

Hyungwon groaned. "Ah, fuck..." With that he left with Minhyuk.

I sighed, wishing the best for them, mentally. My doctor gave me so hydrocodone, and I began to fall victim to the drowsiness again.


	15. fifteen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kihyun gets a visitor and discovers new information.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kihyun talks somewhat graphically about his abuse.

When I woke up, Hyungwon and Jooheon were sleeping in my room. Jooheon had a cot while Hyungwon was sleeping in the chair in the corner. Jooheon looked so pale, so he must've bottomed out when Hyungwon left me. Hyungwon was shaking so much in the chair and I felt so bad. All I could think about was how badly I wanted to be able to move.

I stayed silent, listening to the sounds of the night. When I didn't hear Hyungwon's snoring anymore and didn't hear it pick back up at all, I began to worry. I couldn't throw anything at him and I didn't want to wake Jooheon, but I had no choice but to yell. "Hyungwon!" I yelled, trying to wake him.

He stirred softly, giving me hope. "What?" He groaned.

"I swear your sleep apnea scares me." I looked down at my lap. "It can kill you, haven't you gotten help for it?"

Hyungwon glared at me. "What, are you worried I'll die on you?" He asked. I nodded softly. "I know damn well, you of all people, aren't worried about that." I looked up.

He was seriously giving me shit for this? "Did you take your medicine?" I asked.

"Ki, I swear to God, I thought I was gonna lose you. Why you're worried about me dying on you, I don't know." He was clearly upset. "Why do you get to be worried? You wanted to leave me."

I didn't get to respond before I had a visitor. "Oh my God, Sora." I had heard a female call me that since my mom died. I looked up and froze when I saw Mrs. Chae.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

She brought in a little bear for me. "You walked out of class and I never saw you again. You stayed on my roster though. And... i tried to call your mother. Kyuri wasn't answering. So I called Abraham and he said that she'd died. And I came to console you, but you were... Here. I walked in to see the mess in the house. So I just knew you were here. And they have your name wrong. They said a Sora wasn't here, but a Kihyun was."

I shook my head. "Bitch, you have my fucking name wrong." I didn't wanna deal with her. "Auntie Hyeja, I'm not Sora. And you embarrassed me in front of my class too? I'm so damn glad I'm not really related to the Chaes. Because I feel like you'd be a worse headcase than my mother." That's when Hyungwon piped up.

"Wh-What did you just say?" He asked, standing up.

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Auntie Hyeja? I'm glad I'm not related to the Chaes?"

Hyungwon scoffed, walking slowly toward her. "I'm real motherfucking glad you aren't related to the Chaes." His demeanor change had me ever so slightly scared. Then I realized.

"Oh fuck," I mumbled.

Hyungwon nodded. "You're lucky to not be related to those druggies, those abusers. Those abandoners." The mood of the entire room instantly became heavy. Auntie Hyeja hadn't got it yet. "Bitch, are you fucking stupid?" Hyungwon asked. "Because you're the bitch that left me on someone's fucking doorstep in the January cold."

Auntie Hyeja froze in her place, taking in the sight of him. "Hyungwon?" She asked. "My son?" Even I shook my head at her answer.

"No. Hyungwon, your goddamn mistake." He quickly lost his temper. "Hyungwon, your accidental positive. The only positive you were clearly expecting was a positive drug test. You're what, 35 now? You spent damn near 18 years not even thinking about me. So what you're not going to do, is walk up into my boyfriend's room, disrespect him and call him out of his fucking name, then turn around and call me your fucking son. I'm not your fucking son. You made it clear to the entire fucking community that I wasn't supposed to happen. Get out." His voice had gradually risen, now waking Jooheon up.

As Jooheon began to stir in his sleep, I began to speak. "Before you do, I don't even know why I call you my aunt. Surely, an aunt, a godmother is also supposed care about the child they're bound to. My father died, my mother died. I know damn well you weren't about to come talk to me about taking me in."

Hyungwon glared at me. "She's your fucking godmother?" That did nothing to help his anger. She'd quicker take care of a child she had no true obligation to than the one she birthed.

"Actually, Sora," Auntie Hyeja started.

Simultaneously, Hyungwon and I corrected her. "It's fucking Kihyun, bitch."

She rolled her eyes. "I did come to claim you." I shook my head.

I looked at Hyungwon. I wanted him to come closer. There was no way in hell he'd let me go with her. I didn't want to anyway. "No. The devil is a goddamn lie. Hell will freeze over before I even consider leaving this hospital with you. You're jusy as oblivious as my mother was. Do you know what Abraham did to me?" She stood idle for a minute.

"I did," she admitted.

I felt pain shoot up my neck. "Y-You knew?" I whispered, tears quickly falling. "Get out. I will scream. Get out." I began to feel panic take over, hyperventilation quickly becoming a thing. "Hyungwon, I-I-I can't breathe." He grabbed my hand, looking for my emergency button.

"I knew, but you know people just make up anything these days..." She chuckled, like it was a fucking joke.

Despite my hindrance, I threw a cup at her, a box of tissues, a remote control. Anything. "Kids don't make up things like that! I could tell you every single fucking detail of his body moving against, in and out of me. I could recount every single word. I could tell you how many hours he did anything to me, 5,478 hours. About three hours a day for five years, including a leap year. I could tell you every single thing he called me. From the prettiest little twat to the most ungrateful bitch ever. Because no one wants to fuck someone like you, I'm doing you a favor." I was rambling on while struggling to breathe. My arms hurt like hell. "Hyungwon, why the fuck isn't anyone coming? What, do I need to die first?" I screamed, ripping the IV out of my arm, causing the monitor to alarm.

"Kihyun!" He yelled, holding onto me tightly. "Stop it! She's not fucking worth it." Jooheon finally woke up, disturbed by the yelling. "Hey kiddo, go check on Sissy, yeah?" Hyungwon asked. Jooheon went ahead and walked out. "You, can you please leave? Because he will not go with you. I'll make sure of that. You'll do nothing but keep hurting him."

Auntie Hyeja only left when a doctor came. I cried so hard, trying to breathe, I couldn't get any air. As I leaned forward, I began scratching at my chest, trying to get some breathing space. "What happened here?" A doctor grabbed my IV, turning the sound off the monitor and resetting everything.

"Took you... Fucking... Long enough." I looked down at my arms, watching as the blood began to seep through the stitches.

Hyungwon rubbed my back. "That lady that was in here? Her name is Chae Hyeja, she came here and immediately began to cause him stress, please do not allow her anywhere near him again. Ever. If you don't restrict her, I will." That was enough to get word from the doctor. 

While the doctor tended to me, Jooheon came back to the room. "Hyungwon?" His hands were shaking and he was walking slowly. "I think I'm low." 

Hyungwon let go of me and walked over to his corner. "Come here," he said, preparing his tester. "Little poke," he said as he took Jooheon's hand. I began to watch how effortlessly he took care of Jooheon. "53, that's better than earlier." Hyungwon threw away his strip, grabbing a pad and handing it over to Jooheon. He took a couple dollars and walked out, heading to the vending machine that was a hop, skip and a jump away from my room. When he came back he had a bottle of grape juice. "Drink about that much, then try to get back to sleep if you can. Did you mark it down?" He asked. Jooheon nodded sleepily. "Symptoms too?" Jooheon stared at him.

"I'm the one with diabetes, smarts. I know what to write," He chuckled.

Hyungwon didn't break a smile. "You didn't write them did you?"

Jooheoon took the pad back, "Shut up." They shared a laugh before Hyungwon turned his attention back to me.

"How do you feel?" He asked.

I shrugged my shoulders. "I just wanna go home... That's it."

The doctor then spoke up. "Well, I know you hurt, but you can raise and bend your arms. The quicker we get you to do it without pain, we can get you out of here. Maybe in three days?" That was the best news as of yet.

I thanked him before turning to Hyungwon. "I'm seriously glad you aren't a Chae," he smiled.

"Why is that?" I chuckled.

Hyungwon leaned and gave me a soft kiss. "I wouldn't be able to do this."


	16. sixteen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kihyun's welcome home becomes a stressful first day back.

The day came when I'd finally been released from the hospital. I was free, practically. A fresh start. Hyungwon brought me home to a clean house, no remnants of the torture I'd put all of us through. Minhyuk and Jooheon accompanied us back home. I had offered Jooheon to stay with us. After seeing how much Jooheon needed Hyungwon, how easy it was for him to get him through his medical emergencies... I couldn't go home without offering it to him.

Hyungwon held me close as we approached the front door. "Baby, I have a surprise for you."

I furrowed my eyebrows as we opened the door. "Oh my God..." I whispered.

"Kihyun?" Changkyun stood up and bumrushed me, hugging my tightly as I jumped up and wrapped my body around him.

I began to cry. "You crazy, I thought you'd died long ago!" I sniffled softly before he put me down. "Hyungwon, where did you find him?"

Hyungwon chuckled softly. "He works at my job. And the way you talked about him, I remembered him. And he clearly remembered you." I loved Hyungwon. I truly loved him. 

I smiled softly. "My best friend... I missed you, dickhead," I chuckled, jumping off of him. "Uhm, Jooheon. I have a room for you, upstairs. Right across from mine and Hyungwon's room.  Follow me." Jooheon grabbed his bag, following behind me. When I got to the top of the stairs, I looked left and right. I didn't know where to let him stay. To the left, we had my mother's room. I had been staying there since she died. But not only was that the second to last room I was in, it was the room Abraham used me the most. Then we had my room, also destroyed by him. I settled on letting Jooheon have my mother's room. At least being with Hyungwon in my room could remind me I was safe.

I let Jooheon get comfortable as I came back downstairs. "Ki," Changkyun met me at the bottom of the stairs. "Let me see. You normally roll your sleeves up. Let me see." I didn't want to look down at them. I didn't want to see the damage anymore. So, I just let my arms hang in front of me and closed my eyes. I sighed as Changkyun pushed my sleeves up. "Holy fuck, Kihyun..." He mumbled. 

After he pulled my sleeves back down, I opened my eyes to see him taking his jacket off. "I got a guy who can do fantastic cover ups. But you have to let your scars heal for at least two years. In your case, maybe three or four. When did you do it?"

"September 7th," I looked at Hyungwon, feeling shame in myself. 

Changkyun sighed a bit. "No more. Okay?" He placed a kiss on my cheek, letting me walk all the way downstairs. 

I nodded, smiling a bit. "Changkyun, you still got your little apartment?" Hyungwon asked.

He shook his head. "Man, lost that thing about a month ago."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Where are you now?" I asked, worried.

"Floating around," he said. "I'm alright though." That wasn't gonna be okay with me.

Before I could speak, Hyungwon was meeting him with some cash. "That's about enough to stay at a hotel for about three days. Give us a chance to figure something out for you."

Changkyun graciously took the money. "Thanks, man." Hyungwon smiled as he walked him out. "See you, Ki. Good to know you're in the same place." His smiled lit my heart ever so slightly.

"Bye, Kyunnie." I smiled at him before heading upstairs again. I looked over at my mom's room to see Jooheon shaking. "Hey, kid..." I walked in, standing by the door. "You okay? What's wrong?" I asked.

Jooheon looked at me. "Change... I don't like it..." He began tapping on his leg, anxiously. "Peach... Peach... Pink peach."

I was confused for a bit before he continued repeating them. It was his echolalia that Hyungwon was talking about. I walked over to his bag. "Can I look in here?" I asked, calmly. Jooheon nodded, quickly getting worked up. I grabbed his iPod and headphones, walking to sit with him. "What's the password?" I asked.

"My birthday," Jooheon mumbled. "941006..." I unlocked it, going into his music. His playlist that was most played was his favorites playlist. I pressed shuffle and plugged in his headphones. "There you go, kid..." I put his headphones on him and held his hand as he began to relax. After a few.more seconds into his song, he leaned onto my shoulder. "You wanna lay in my lap?" I asked. Jooheon nodded softly. I sat back against the headboard, letting Jooheon lay his head across my thighs. I ran my hand over his back, calming his as much as possible.

We sat like that for a moment until he fell asleep. At that point, Hyungwon had come back inside. He came upstairs, looking for me. When he saw me and Jooheon, he smiled widely. "You remembered?" He asked.

I nodded, "He didn't like the change. And you weren't here to calm him. He says 'peach' when he gets upset?" I asked a bit. Hyungwon nodded. "Why did you let him go to a hotel? He could've stayed here..." I asked.

"To be honest," he sighed. "I underestimated how close you two were. I knew you were... You know. But... Your closeness was making me jealous."

I rolled my eyes. "That's my best friend that I haven't seen for years, and you got jealous?" I asked. "You haven't even asked me out, I'm just yours when you want me to be. You can't get jealous." I was starting to be pissed off with his indecisiveness.

Hyungwon shrugged. "Kihyun, I love you and you know I do." He rubbed his neck. 

"I love you too, but I'm not with you." I shook my head. I shifted Jooheon onto the bed and got up. "And if you were gonna get jealous... You shouldn't have brought him by. Not until we were together. Because then, I would've told him I was taken. But I know you already can tell I fall for anyone nice to me. Changkyun was one. You're the second. And you did nothing but make me fall for him all over again. And I don't want to. You gotta make me yours, Hyungwon, if you want to be jealous." I began to go downstairs. "What can Jooheon eat?"

Hyungwon followed me. "Fatty fish is good for him. Do you have any salmon?" He asked. I nodded, going to the freezer. None of this food was old yet. "And how am I supposed to make you mine? I don't like how that sounds. And it sounds like I'm forcing you to be mine." And then he became doubtful. "What if Changkyun makes you happier anyway? I'm dangerous... I'm fucked up." I sighed a bit.

I looked at him. "And I'm not? And he's not? If you want me to get closer to him again, I will. Your fucking choice." I began to defrost the salmon as quickly as possible, putting it in the sink and letting the water run over it.

"No, I don't want that! But you... You brightened up today with him. You've never been that bright with me and I don't want you to love me because you fear me or because you think you owe me."

I was tired of him fucking talking. I grabbed onto him, kissing him passionately, pulling at the hem of his shirt. When I pushed away from him, I took a deep breath. "Did I fucking do that with him today? Did I offer him my body today? Did I almost go down on him today? No. But you know who I did it for? You. I've done that for you, Hyungwon. And I did it because I trust you. I love you and I trust you." I went into the pantry, grabbing rice and green beans. "I... Hyungwon, if I were to go upstairs with you right now. If I were to drag you upstairs by your fucking jacket, pull you into what is now our room and close the door? Best believe, I'd fucking make love to you. I wouldn't have sex with you or let you have sex with me, I wouldn't let you fuck me. I would make love to you. I love you, you stupid ass." I took a deep breath, turning back to the fish.

"You wanna tell me that after I go manic again? After you find me down here, smoking away? After you pull another gun from my hands?" Hyungwon asked. "You've seen enough sex for the time being, Kihyun. And while I know that you mean it, I'm not willing to jeopardize you and me like that. You can't even make out with me without panicking. You think you'd last the three hours I can?" I bit my lip, lucky he didn't see. "Kihyun, you... You don't know who you are and you damn sure don't know who I am. I love you, but the best thing for you, truly, is to fall for someone else." He was so damn confusing.

"Whatever," I scoffed, beginning to season the fish. "You clearly don't love me that much if you passively aggressively want me to choose between you and my best friend. What can Jooheon have to drink?"

Hyungwon sighed softly. "Diet drinks, sweet teas. His favorite is peach lemonafe. I'll go get some." He left the kitchen, grabbing his keys and leaving quickly. I sighed, going ahead and baking the salmon.

Shortly after, I was scared by Abraham coming in the back door. I screamed, grabbing a knife. "Put that shit down, girl."

I shook my head, pushing the pot of green beans off the burner behind me. "You were told not to fucking come around here," I yelled. I didn't care about the burn I was going to feel. I grabbed the hot eye cover off the stove, throwing it at Abraham. He held his face, leaning back. I began to raise my knife to him before hearing a gasp.

"Kihyun?" I turned to see Jooheon. "Wh-What's happening?"

I shook my head. Abraham ignored me, going toward Jooheon. No... Fuck no. "Sora, you got a little friend huh? Ooh, he doesn't look like he'll resist me as much as you do." He grabbed at Jooheon.

I shook my head, rushing him. "Stop it!" I screamed. "Leave him alone! Take me, leave him." I grabbed Abraham's shirt. "Jooheon, go upstairs and locked the door okay? Put on your music. Go turn on your music." He nodded, running back upstairs. "Don't fucking touch him, Abraham. Never."

Abraham grabbed me by my throat, throwing me against the wall. I wanted Hyungwon to come back. I wanted to get the nerve to stab him. I began to cry, just feeling alone more than anything. In an instant, Abraham was ripped off of me. "The fuck are you doing on top of him?" I looked up to see Changkyun holding Abraham in a headlock. He grabbed the knife from me, placing it up against his neck. "Get the fuck out of here. Now!" Changkyun let him go but not before stabbing his shoulder. Abraham groaned as he left.

I grabbed onto Changkyun. "Why are you here?" I whispered.

"I left my bag here... Who is that man?" He asked, holding onto me tightly.

I shook my head. "I'll tell you later. Text me, so I have your number." I told him my number as I rushed upstairs to check on Jooheon. "Call Hyungwon, he's at the store!" When I opened the door, Jooheon was sitting on the floor, crying and hyperventilating. "Jooheon, I'm okay. I promise, I'm okay. Hyungwon's at the store, he's coming back. Can you calm down for me?" Jooheon shook his head, crying as he repeated his word again. He began to stutter on the 'P' of "peach" as his eyes fluttered shut. Jooheon fell back onto his back, his motions stilling for a bit. "Oh shit, oh shit!" I knew what was coming next. "Changkyun! Come up here and put him on speaker!" Jooheon's body began convulsing out of control. I pushed him up onto his side, holding him as still as I could. I had my phone on me, unlocking it quickly to time the seizure. "Hyungwon?" I spoke up.

"Ki, what's going on?" He asked. I heard his car accelerate.

I struggled to keep Jooheon up. "Abe came around and Jooheon walked downstairs while I was fighting with him. He's having a seizure and I don't know what to do. He's on his side. He's only been down for about ten seconds."

Hyungwon groaned. "I'm coming in." He hung up. Within a few more seconds, Hyungwon was upstairs, kneeling down with me.

"Hyungwon..." I whispered, terrified.

He shook his head, "Jooheon, shh. It's okay, kid. It's okay." He ran his hand across Jooheon's head. Within a few moments, his body calmed down. "Jooheon?" Hyungwon laid down in front of his face, caressing him and calling his name until he woke up.

"H-Huh?" Jooheon mumbled, trying to stand up.

Hyungwon shushed him. "No, no. Stay down right now, kid. I'll pick you up in a minute. Okay?" After a few minutes down, Hyungwon picked Jooheon up, laying him in bed. "I'll bring you dinner soon, okay." Jooheon nodded, snuggling into bed. 

I grabbed his small laptop, logging into my Hulu account. "Have you ever seen Daria?" I asked. Jooheon shook his head. "No? It's a classic. Here you go."

I walked downstairs, sighing softly. "Now, why the fuck was he here?" Hyungwon asked.

I shook my head. "I have no idea. Uhm, Changkyun, your bag is probably in between the couches. And I'll talk to you later."

Changkyun nodded, grabbing his bag and leaving shortly after, telling us goodbye. "I'll kill him, Kihyun... I swear." Hyungwon sighed.

At this point, I didn't care if he did or not. As long as Hyungwon was safe. "He went after Jooheon. And I told him to take me. That was probably the light to his fuse." Hyungwon froze up, turning to grab three plates for dinner. 

I couldn't imagine what he was thinking, but it's dangerous.


	17. seventeen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyungwon decides to take care of Abraham, once and for all; Kihyun takes care of Jooheon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GRAPHIC DETAIL AHEAD

I went upstairs to check on Jooheon after dinner. Hyungwon and I hadn't talked since he'd come back. Poor baby was curled up in the comforter. I decided to push his laptop to the other side of bed, keeping his body free from the charger cord. As I began to leave, I heard him whimper. I turned around to look at him. He wasn't shaking yet, but his whimpering was getting louder and incessant.

I began to go lay next to him and calm him down but Hyungwon came in, pushing past me in the pissiest way. "I got him. Go to bed." I glared at him as he checked Jooheon before grabbing his bag. "I'm gonna test you," he mumbled softly, preparing a test strip. I sighed and left the room, going to my room... Our room? My room for now. 

I looked around, scared to sit down on the bed. All that was going through my mind was Abraham. The fact that my mother took my money from this room and got him out of jail... And the fact that he still held this control over me. Suddenly, he was there in the room with me, preying on me. "What are you mutilating yourself for?" He'd ask as he hovered over me. "This doesn't feel good?"  His hands would rub my hips, his fingers lingering over the scars.

Tears began to flow as I looking through my drawers. I knew I had one, there was a lighter around somewhere. When I finally found it, I closed the door, knowing Hyungwon would take a while. I quickly pulled down my pants, sparking the lighter. His touch was all over me and I felt so dirty. I let the flame hover over my skin before laying it down quickly. Obviously, the area turned red real quick. I continued to burn myself on each hips until it was unbearable. When I was done, my skin was most definitely blackening and almost ready to peel. The memories were coming at me left and right and my chest began to tighten.  "No!" I screamed. "I don't want it! I hate it! Please... I-I'm just a little girl."

The menacing smile he wore on his face. "I knew it. You knew it. Your mom knew it. Everyone knows it. You're pretending, the most you are is a butch. You aren't a boy, you can't be and you finally got it through your fucking head." I just wanted him to leave me alone. I didn't care what I was saying, but I knew I wasn't a girl. But he refused to leave me alone, continuing on with his torture.

I was startled by Hyungwon shaking me. When I came around, I was breathing heavily, tears streaming down my face, my hips in extreme pain. "What are you doing with this?" Hyungwon asked, holding my lighter up. "You don't fucking smoke and I don't use white lighters." He grabbed me by my waist.

I screamed, immediately afraid of him. "No, don't grab me like that!"

Hyungwon shushed me, "You're gonna wake Jooheon again and I can't deal with another one of his seizures tonight. I'm not gonna hurt you." He pulled up my shirt, checking my body. "What'd you do to your hips, Kihyun?" He asked. I whimpered, pushing him away from me slightly. I gingerly let my jeans fall a bit just so he could see the damages. "Holy fuck!" He yelled, pulling one side down a bit more. "Ki, that's second degree, maybe even third degree burns!" He was yelling, I couldn't take it. "Did you do this because I'm pissed off? Not talking to you? I'll leave if that's the case." Now, he was scaring me.

"No! I feel his touch on me, Hyungwon... All the fucking time!" I screamed. "He won't leave me alone... And tonight... I'm scared. Not for me, for that one across the hall. I-I can't sleep tonight. If Abe tries something again and I'm asleep? I can't let anything happen to Jooheon. And I don't want to give myself up, but if that's fucking case, then so be it." I was rambling on at this point. "But I can at least cleanse myself before it happens. And that's what this was." Hyungwon nodded, getting up. He was getting something to cover the burns. 

When he came back, he closed the door. "You gotta let your pants down further than that, I'm sorry." I nodded, closing my eyes, holding my pants around my thighs. "And you're gonna go to sleep tonight, even if you have to take a melatonin or a diphenhydramine. You're going to sleep. I'll drink some coffee, if you have any. If he tries something... You'll know."

I didntlike how that sounded. "Are you gonna sit up waiting for him?" I asked.

Hyungwon didn't answer me. "Just go sleep in Jooheon's room. I actually left a list of what to do for him in the event he wakes up. He likes to cuddle. And he seems to really like you, so he shouldn't have much of a problem with you sleeping with him. And, no, Kihyun. You know who you are. You know how you feel and you know that you aren't a girl. That prick will never dictate that part of your life ever again." Hyungwon gave me a kiss on the forehead, ushering me to Jooheon's room. I didn't like what was happening. "Keep him closer to the wall, sleep closer to the edge of the bed." With that, he closed my door. I sighed softly, going to lay with Jooheon. I didn't like what was happening at fucking all and I was mentally beating myself up. The fact that I actually fell so far into my memories that I actually screamed out what had been said... I was stressed beyond stressed. But I couldn't show it. 

As soon as I laid down, Jooheon started whining. "Shh, it's Kihyun. You're okay." And just like that, he grabbed onto me, holding me closely. "Were you having a nightmare, bud?" I asked. He nodded, shaking slightly. "What's your blood sugar at right now? I know Hyungwon just checked it."

Jooheon shrugged. "It's closer to normal now. It was low. I'm shaking from my nightmare." He laid his head on my chest, right under my neck. "Oh," Jooheon sat up. "I'm sorry, is this okay?" He asked.

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Yeah? Why wouldn't it be?" Jooheon laid back down.

"I didn't want to... You know. Upset you?" I didn't understand what he was talking about. "I can move over, if that makes you more comfortable."

It took me a second but his consideration made me want to cry. "Oh, Jooheon... You're okay. You won't make me uncomfortable." He didn't want to trigger me, both with the way he held onto me and with laying on my chest. 

He shrugged. "Just wanted to make sure." We sat in silence for a while. "Hyungwon really loves you, Kihyun. He'll do anything for you, you know that?" 

I shook my head. "He doesn't have to, he should know that." I ran my hand through Jooheon hair, hoping it calmed him down. His shaking was still very strong.

"He won't hear that, he always has to do for the ones he loves. The ones who shoulda loved him did one nice thing for him. And it wasn't giving him the gift of life." Jooheon took a deep breath, trying to calm down. "He said the best thing they ever did for him was leave him on my mom's doorstep. Because he gained us. Me, Minhyuk and Kyungwon. But even still, I know it still makes him sad when he remembers he was a foster kid. He sometimes hurts himself. I caught him once. And since then, I've tried to guilt trip him, honestly. We've never had a fight ever, and he constantly watches over me. I let that fact try to guilt him into stopping. But he never did." I found myself listening intently to him, fighting back tears. "I don't think he knows about what happened when he moved away though. With no warning."

I turned to him, looking down at him. "What happened?" I asked.

"I'll be honest, he's my favorite." Jooheon started. "And when he left, I was so worried. I-I thought he went out and killed himself. I stopped taking my insulin properly, my ticks got worse. I hate change so much. Minhyuk had to stay with me every night, helping me through my anxiety. And I had plenty of seizures, stress seizures. And half the time no one really knew they were seizures. I'd experience an aura, and then less than a minute later, collapse completely, eyes wide open. I didn't take care of myself because... Well if Hyungwon was dead, I know I'd want to be. He's always taken care of me. I don't like how Minhyuk does it. He yells at me, Hyungwon coaches me. Minhyuk's... He's the mean brother. And he's never been easy with any of us. He would always hit Hyungwon, he'd yell at me, he'd scream transphobic things at Kyungwon, making her depression and dysphoria worse. He was always the worst one. And our mother never knew how to fix it. She'd always work. Minhyuk was the head of the house and when Minhyuk and Hyungwon began to clash a lot, that's when he disappeared." I was truly shocked. Minhyuk never seemed that bad. I felt awful for Jooheon and Hyungwon alike.

Before I could say anything, I heard Hyungwon's voice from downstairs. My heart seemed to stop. "You. You really were stupid enough to come back into this motherfucking house?" Abe was here.

"Ki, w-what's that?" Jooheon asked.

I shook my head. "Nothing, sweetheart. You wanna listen to your music?" Jooheon shook his head, holding onto my hips. I tried not to freak out more, hearing the voice that followed after.

"Where's Sora?" Abe asked, chuckling darkly. "Or that other one?"

Hyungwon chuckled lowly, "You mean my little brother?" I heard a gun cock. "You stay the fuck away from both of them. Especially my little brother." I began panicking ever so slightly.

"Jooheon, please, listen to your music. Please." I grabbed his iPod, entering his password. "Trust me, you want to." 

Jooheon succumbed, grabbing his headphones. I played the longer playlist of his, hoping the music would drown out everything I was going to hear. Jooheon had no problem blasting it either. "Why? That slut of yours gave herself to me for him. So you really have no say in what the fuck I get to do with my step-daughter." I shook my head, wanting to scream. 

I heard something smash. "Bitch, call him a girl one more fucking time!" Hyungwon had no more patience. "I shoulda killed you a while ago, fucker. Back when you grabbed him and pinned him against the wall. And especially after you raped him at the hospital because you have no fucking human morals or decency. I should've been here to kill you earlier tonight. It's your time to fucking go. You walked in here, you're not about to fucking walk back out. I will fucking take you out, you miserable cunt. Like the fucking trash you are." I couldn't listen to this anymore. But I wasn't going to stop it. It was time for this to end.

"That's mine," Abe seethed. "That is my property. I own her. You ain't got shit to do with her." I wanted to puke. Nausea was awful for me recently, a new symptom of my anxiety. I couldn't make any sound.

Jooheon grabbed onto me again, as he began to repeat his word. There was nothing I could do for him. I covered his head with the blanket, holding him tightly. He tried to lift his head so he could avoid my hated chest weights, but I held his head down, hoping he could feel safe. "You're a weak son of a bitch. A sick son of a bitch. God dropped you on your fucking head. And I know He's not ashamed of much. But I'm sure he regrets making you. And letting you live." I heard Abraham grunt, probably from being thrown against the wall. "We haven't really officially met, Abe. Allow me. I'm the Angel of Death. And I'm about to send you on a long journey to Hell. What more do you have to say before I fucking kill you?"

Abraham began crying. "I've got nothing to lose. My love is gone. I'm ready to fucking go." His fake ass crying ceased almost immediately. "But just know that you won't be able to touch her without my mark on her. She'll cry and scream the moment your hands land on her. She'll forever talk about me and bring me up. I've branded her. Yeah, you think she's yours..." It went silent for a bit.

"Oh shit!" Hyungwon yelled.

I heard Abraham laugh a bit. "But she'll always belong to me. Whether I live or die. And she'll never completely be yours. And you're never gonna be able to stop that." I shook my head. "Now, tell me where she is, or I'll shoot."

Hyungwon chuckled. "We can stand here and blow our brains out before I tell you where the fuck he is." I heard the second gun cock.

"I can make that happen," Abe said. I couldn't stand it. I wanted to go out there and save Hyungwon. But I couldn't leave Jooheon while he was wide awake.

I heard one gun go off and I screamed, tears immediately springing to my eyes. I didn't know who was shot. I heard the second go off, knowing both of them were shot. "Jooheon, come here. I'm sorry... I know you're gonna panic." I pulled him out of bed and took him to the closet. I gave him a fuzzy blanket and a pillow to keep him comfy. "Don't take these off." He nodded, tears starting to come to his eyes too.

"Hey," he mumbled. "Please come back."

I nodded, closing the door. I quietly headed to the bedroom door, opening it slowly. "Come on you punk ass!" Abe yelled.

I shifted slightly to slide out of the room, looking over the railing. I caught sight of Hyungwon, grabbing at his side. His arm was also bloodied. He was shot twice. Hyungwon looked up slightly, seeming to pray that he didn't fuck up. When he caught a glimpse of me, I raised a shaking finger to my lips, telling him to be quiet. But it sparked his fight again. He reached into his pocket, calling someone. "Police and medical." My eyes widened. Abe was gonna kill him for sure, what the fuck was he doing, calling 911, putting it on speaker as well. "Someone broke into my house. A convicted sex offender. He's shot me twice. And just a fair warning, bring the goddamn coroner."

I heard the operator speak in confusion. "Why is that, sir?" She asked.

Seven shots followed consecutively. "Because I just killed the motherfucker." I leaned back against the wall, tears pouring. My body shook so bad, a picture fell off the wall next to me.

The operator told him someone was on the way. When he hung up, I screamed out. "Oh my fucking God!" I ran downstairs, not prepared to see Abe strewn across the floor, blood pouring from his head and chest. I didn't even care. "Hyungwon, lay down, please." Hyungwon looked at me and I didn't even recognize him. His eyes were dead inside, his breathing heavy. He dropped his gun down on the floor, grabbing onto my arm. I dropped down to the floor as well, helping him down. I grabbed a nearby jacket, tying it around his stomach. "Are you fucking crazy?" Hyungwon coughed a bit. I inspected his arm, grabbing it in a way that I covered his gunshot. 

Within two minutes, I heard the ambulance pull up. The door was open for them, it's how Abe got in. "What's going on here?" A paramedic asked me. 

I couldn't speak. "Th-That one," I nodded over to Abe. "He broke in, looking for me. He's been sexually abusing me for years. And he hasn't stopped. And this one, he was protecting me. H-He killed him but he's not doing too well either. He was shot."

A paramedic took over. "Please, I-I need him to live. H-His brother does too. He's upstairs." A police office began to go upstairs. "No! Don't look for him. Don't... H-He's special needs, I can take care of him. Please don't go scare him." The officer nodded, walking away from the stairs. 

Hyungwon grabbed my attention. "Baby," he mumbled. "I-Is Jooheon okay?" He asked.

I nodded, kneeling down by his head. "He's in the closet, his headphones on loud."

He nodded, content with that. "Go back to him. Let this blow over. I'll have Minhyuk o-or Changkyun come over..." His voice faded into nothing. He passed out on me. I couldn't watch it anymore. 

I ran upstairs, going to get Jooheon. "Jooheon?" I asked, shutting the bedroom door and opening the closet door. He was crying into the pillow, leaning forward. I pulled him out and laid him back down to sleep. He held onto me for dear life. I didn't know what I felt, my senses still in shock from what happened. As Jooheon fell asleep I began to cry again. Partially because Hyungwon was hurt, but mostly because I was free now. Abraham was gone. He had taken every part of me, but I didn't have to let him take any more from me. He was dead and gone. Hopefully, banished to Hell and away from my mother. She didn't need to be with him anymore. Hyungwon really was an angel. My guardian angel.


	18. eighteen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minhyuk shows more of his true colors; Jooheon and Changkyun stand by Kihyun; Hyungwon asks Kihyun an important question, while Kihyun asks an even more important question.

After the police and paramedics finished up at my house, Minhyuk showed up. "What happened?" He asked, holding his arms out to hug me.

I stepped back, now knowing what I knew about him. "Hyungwon killed Abraham, my step-father. And Abraham almost killed Hyungwon. He was shot in the side and his upper arm." 

Minhyuk sighed a bit. "That fucking boy dives in with no problem..." He looked toward the stairs. "Where's Jooheon?" He asked.

"Sleeping. I got him to keep quiet and calm during everything," I mumbled. "Please don't wake him up." Minhyuk looked at me like I was crazy.

He scoffed as he began to head upstairs. I followed after him. "Jooheon?" He called, opening his door. "Jooheon, it's time to go."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "What do you mean, 'time to go?' He's not going anywhere. Hyungwon wants him here." I stood firm on that. Especially knowing now that Jooheon didn't feel comfortable around him.

"And who are you?" Minhyuk asked. "Just some bitch that my brother put his life on the line for because he's fucking stupid." I saw Jooheon sit up slightly.

I shook my head. "Nah, I'm just the bitch that your other little brother likes being around. I was going to let my step-father abuse me again just so he'd leave Jooheon alone. I care too much about him right there to let you take him back."

Jooheon whined, "Please don't fight..." He shifted further away from Minhyuk, not wanting to leave.

"Hyungwon isn't here to take care of you and I am, so I'm gonna take you home." Minhyuk reached for him. Jooheon screamed, causing Minhyuk to jump back in fear. "Baby, I know you don't like change. But we have to go." Jooheon's tears began to flow again.

He shook his head, grabbing onto my blanket. "Peach... Peach... Peach... Peach." He began crying harder and rocking back and forth.

"Leave him alone, Minhyuk." I grabbed his arm. That was a huge mistake on my part.

Minhyuk turned around and slammed me into the wall. I groaned out in pain. "I am his fucking brother. I've taken care of him. I know how to handle his stubbornness and you don't! You don't give up and let him have what he wants. Hr needs redirection just as much as any kid. His... disabilities still don't allow him any excuse."

I shook my head, trying to get out of his grip. "Do you know he doesn't like you to deal with him? Do you know that he's afraid of you? That you're the mean brother? Did you know his life falls apart when he doesn't have Hyungwon? Did you know that you started up his anxiety by telling him that Hyungwon couldn't take care of him right now and telling him it was time to go home? That's too much change for him right now!" I heard Jooheon's voice fade out. I looked around Minhyuk to see Jooheon slump forward. "Shit! Get off me!" I ripped my wrists away from him, running over to Jooheon sitting him up. "Hey, hey, hey!" I reached over to grab water for him. "Let's stand up okay?" I pulled him out of bed and had him stand up so he could get some breathing flow going.

Almost immediately after I let go of his waist, Jooheon's knees buckled under him, resulting in his collapse to the floor. "Fuck!" I grabbed him, laying him out, putting a pillow under his head. "You fucking stupid ass bitch, get away from him." Minhyuk tried to push his way through but I cut him off.

"This is my stop," I sang softly. "Got to get off. I might go pop." Jooheon moaned a bit, his breathing labored. "Excuse me, excuse me?" I grabbed the water, letting him take a few sips. "I've got to be direct..."

Jooheon smiled a bit. "La, la, la."

Minhyuk was lowkey pissed off that I was taking care of Jooheon better than he had. "If I'm wrong please correct." Jooheon gave me the back up la-la-la again. "You're standing on my neck. You're standing on my neck. You're standing on my neck!" I chuckled softly, Jooheon was quickly coming back around. "La, la, la-la-la. La, la, la-la-la." He wrapped his arms around my neck, wanting to be picked up and put back on the bed. I happily obliged, getting him back into bed. "Drink all this water, okay? I'll bring you another when you're done and then I'll check your sugar, okay?" Jooheon nodded, settling down into bed. I pushed Minhyuk out of the room, following closely behind.

"What the hell was that?" He asked.

I shrugged. "Your brother responds well to music, not lecturing. He was watching Daria earlier, he liked it, I sang the theme song for him."

I was blindsided by Minhyuk slapping me. "You fucking bitch." He grabbed me by my throat, pinning me to the wall again. "You're taking everything I love away from me. Did you know that? Hyungwon loves you, Jooheon trusts you, and Kyungwon was getting your fucked up drugs for you. Now two of them are treading on a thin line, the other brainwashed by you. I fucking hate you. How about I take something away from you, you greedy bitch?" I knew where this was headed. That nausea came back up. His hand ran up my body.

I shook my head. "My God, you're just like every other man in this goddamn town. I'm beginning to think Hyungwon and Jooheon are also trans." Every man in this place was a user. An abuser. Uses sex to get others, specifically biosex females, to submit. Seems like only people like me get the picture that this isn't how you treat anyone.

His hand quickly snapped open my pants. "I don't think I fucking care at all." The nausea was getting worse and worse. 

I began to cry. "No wonder Hyungwon fucking hates you! If this is what you'd do to him, I can see why he doesn't want you around." Minhyuk wouldn't back down at any cost.

"I've been wanting to do this for a while, Kihyun." I shook my head, trying to block out what was happening. He grabbed me by the back of my neck, kissing me roughly, leaving my lips to bruise.

I caught movement out the corner of my eye. "Leave him alone!" Jooheon screamed. "You always do this, give up!"

Then he stepped away. "But I'll wait. Just because my little brother's here." With that, he left. 

I took a deep breath before rushing up to the bathroom. Jooheon followed after me, trying to help me. I threw up all my anxious energy. "What do you need?" He asked, rubbing my back.

I grabbed at my chest realizing that I'd still had my binder on. "My shirt. Get it off, please." Jooheon furrowed his eyebrows, unbuttoning my shirt. He was hesitant. "It's fine, I-I need the binder to come off." I helped him get my shirt off. "Go into my room, grab a sports bra, please." Jooheon nodded, leaving the bathroom. I reached into my pocket and grabbed my phone. There was only one person I wanted to talk to. 

"Hello?" Changkyun answered as Jooheon came back with the sports bra.

I whimpered, finally breaking down fully. "Come here, please... I need help." 

I heard Changkyun grab his keys. "You need anything else?" I thought for a little bit. 

"Something from the drugstore. I'll text you." We hung up and I sighed laying my head on the toilet seat lid. 

Jooheon stood by. "I brought you a black shirt too. Do you need help?" He asked.

I didn't want it, but I needed it. My chest hurt really bad. "Yeah... Just stand behind me and pull it up over my head."

I felt dead inside. This anxious suspicion was crawling up my throat. Just as I changed completely I got a text from Hyungwon. "Changkyun's bringing you something from me. Call me when you get it."

When Changkyun came, he gave me my bag from the drugstore. "What, $30?" I asked, grabbing my wallet. 

"Keep it. You need it." Changkyun reached in his pocket. "This. Call Hyungwon."

I nodded, FaceTiming him. "Hello, my sweetheart." His words gave me a small sense of peace. But anxiety kept screwing it all up. "Go ahead and open it." His smile could cure.

I smiled a bit, opening the box. Tears rushed to my eyes. "Oh my God, Hyungwon." It was a necklace, an Sagittarius symbol with garnet stones around it. My symbol christened with his birthstone. "I love it, I grinned. But my heart was quickly filled with sadness as his speech began.

"I love you. I will do anything for you. And I don't know how life is going to go soon, when I recover. But I do know that I want you. I will never leave you. You're my Kihyun, my love. And I can't just let you slip through my hands. Please, be mine." Every word created more and more tears that blurred my vision.

I nodded, taking. A deep breath. "Can I call you back real quick? Less than 10 minutes." He nodded, hanging up quickly. I rushed back upstairs, nausea coming for me again.

When I left the bathroom, Changkyun glanced up at me. "Ki, you look like you've seen a ghost." I might as well have.

I called Hyungwon back, and he also assumed I'd come into contact with a spirit. But I was just truly mortified. "What's wrong?" He asked.

I shook my head. Jooheon and Changkyun sat on the couch opposite me. "You're not going to want me, Hyungwon." I was convinced and certain that he wouldn't.

"There's nothing that would make me not want you." He was took far into a fantasy world. This reality would crush him with the pressure of ten earths, just as it crushed me.

I wiped my tears, looking him in the eye. "Really? You sure?" I bit my lip. "Not even a pregnancy, or abortion?" His face froze for a second. "Because I'm pregnant."

I couldn't face him any longer. I hung up. Changkyun came over to me, holding me tightly. Abe was right. He branded me. I was his, even in death.


	19. nineteen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyungwon gives his input on the situation.

Hyungwon tried calling me back, but I couldn't answer. "Kihyun, you have to breathe. I'll tell him to stop calling for right now but you gotta breathe."

I nodded, "Please. I-I can't talk to him." Changkyun nodded, texting Hyungwon for me. "What am I gonna do?" I asked.

Jooheon piped up a bit. "Did you and Hyungwon...?" He didn't want to ask. 

I shook my head. "It's not his. It's Abraham's." If it was Hyungwon's, the choice would be the easiest. This wasn't a hard decision, but my heart thought about the big picture. "I don't know what to do. Not only do I not want Abraham's child, this is fucking with my dysphoria hard. But at the same time... I can't kill it."

Changkyun sighed a bit. "It hasn't breathed yet, Kihyun." That quickly upset me.

"It has a fucking heartbeat!" I yelled. I took a deep breath, wiping my tears. "Morning sickness happens like a month in, and a heart beat is at 18 days... It has a heartbeat." I couldn't do this by myself.

Abortion was always my last option. I knew sooner or later this was going to happen to me. The pill made me sick, I hated shots, I didn't want an IUD, I didn't plan on having a uterus for long. I attempted Nexplanon and it was giving me jaundice. Changkyun and I always had this conversation when we used to fool around. "Kihyun, this isn't good for you. Nine months from now, you don't want to be taking care of his kid. And nine months from now, motherly instincts would kick in and you wouldn't dare part from your kid. And with everything you deal with now, I forsee you killing yourself postpartum. You can't handle this, I'm sorry to say it, but you can't."

I began to think back to the conversations we held when we were younger. Talking about this same situation, except with more care and affection. "Wait," I whispered, sitting up to straddle him. "What if I get pregnant?" It was my biggest fear at that point. I didn't know who I was exactly and I was scared that having a baby would destroy me.

"What would you do?" Changkyun asked, holding my waist. "I could tell you what I'd do or choose, but it's not my body. It's yours."

I scoffed. "Yeah, and it's the wrong one at that." I hopped off to the side, laying next to him. "If I got pregnant, I don't care the circumstance, I wouldn't want to abort it. That's my absolute last choice." I looked up at the ceiling. "Since I blackout so much, especially when the bus's predator of the month comes for me, I won't recognize them. I won't look at my child and see their face. But, what about my dysphoria?" Changkyun sighed softly.

"That's... Where my, almost invalid, opinion comes in." He held my hand, keeping me safe. "I wouldn't want you to deal with it. You're pretty sure about who you are, how you feel. And I don't want it to hurt you. Now, if you go through transitioning, I'd think you would freeze your eggs, but I don't think you would survive nine months, carrying a child. I just don't see it for you."

That conversation was always in the forefront of my mind. "I want my boyfriend," I whispered, taking my phone and going upstairs.

I called Hyungwon and curled up in bed with his shirt. "Kihyun, sorry. I didn't mean to hound you." He sighed softly. "I'll be home shortly. Police deemed the entire thing as self defense. I just have to take antibiotics. We can talk then?" I nodded, smiling a little bit. I was still upset, but to know he was coming home, free... My other concern was gone. I decided just to take a nap, waiting for Hyungwon to come back.

I woke up to Hyungwon sinking down in bed next to me. "You smell like a hospital," I groaned, turning and wrapping my arms around his waist. "I don't know what to do, Hyungwon. I don't want this baby. I really don't. Not this one." Hyungwon kissed my cheek softly, the water faucet in my eyes turning on again. "I took... Three tests to make sure. Three different brands. Each of them said the same damn thing and I swear to God, I died a little more every time a positive came up."

Hyungwon sighed a bit, wiping my tears. "I don't think you'll like what I'll say. But I have to say it." I was expecting a harsh statement in support of terminating it. His answer made me instantly dizzy. "I don't like the idea of abortion. And, being in the system, I hate the idea of adoption." Suddenly, I felt trapped again. Still, all by Abraham.

"Y-You aren't saying what I think you are..." I opened my eyes to look him in the eye. His gaze was serious. "Oh my fucking God, you are." Somehow, his input made the decision easier and clearer. "No. Fuck no." I got out of bed. "Hyungwon, you fucking killed that man. He doesn't deserve to live on, especially with me taking care of it. And if you even begin to infer that this was all my fault, I oughta slit your fucking throat." I felt it coming.

Hyungwon sat up. "Where was the birth control? You knew he wasn't going to stop unless he died."

I sat in disbelief. He really was going there. "First of all, my body is damn near allergic to all long term forms of birth control. Second of all, it really sounds like you're telling me to prepare for rape. It literally sounds like you're telling me to prepare." I shook my head.

He shrugged a bit. "Little too late for that, isn't it?"

I was getting irritated ever so quickly. "Hyungwon. This would be so fucking different if I fucked you. If this baby was yours, there's no way in Hell I'd be at this crossroads." I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to calm down. "Do you want a baby? We can have a baby. But not this one. You wanna know why? This baby will look like Abraham, with his different colored eyes. Mine are brown, yours are brown, our kid would have eyes that are most likely brown. His eyes were blue. It's a half and half chance that this baby would have blue eyes. Then they'd learn about heredity. Find out that their father was a rapist, would live life knowing they were a rape baby, feeling that constant weight of being a mistake or not being made from love. I can't look at this child and know it came from hatred, control, abuse. I won't." After my speech, I rubbed my eyes a bit. "I will not, look that baby in the face. I will not give my body to Abraham for nine more fucking months. We can have our own kids. Hyungwon, how many do you fucking want? This isn't your child and you know that. And this is my body, and it's my choice." I opened my bedroom door, turning around for a second. "Hate me if you want to, leave me if you want to, take back this fucking necklace if you want it. I'm getting an abortion. This is not a baby that's going to be born." I started to leave before unbearable pain had me doubled over, screaming out.

Hyungwon got up, pulling me back to bed. "Kihyun..." He kissed my forehead softly. "There was no way in fucking Hell I was going to let you go through with that. As cruel as it is, I wanted to stress you out. I wanted you to yell at me. I wanted you to get pissed off." Hyungwon went to my drawer, grabbing a pair of boyshorts and a maxi pad. "Let me go get a towel."

I began to cry again. Part of it was from pain, the other part of it was extreme relief. When Hyungwon came back, he tended to me in all totality. "Thank you," I mumbled. Hyungwon smiled a little bit, pulling me into a hug as he crawled back into bed. "Is it over?" I asked.

Hyungwon sighed softly. "Hopefully, baby. Hopefully."


	20. twenty.

It'd been a few weeks since everything went down. Hyungwon was constantly watching me and Jooheon. He didn't have a chance to breathe even. As for me, even though I was with Hyungwon and I loved him dearly, he fucked me up by bringing Changkyun back into my life. Ever since he came back, the sex drive I had when we were fucking around returned. I wasn't ready to go there with Hyungwon, even though I tried. And I was afraid of comparing them. I was so fucked up in so many ways...

After dinner and after Jooheon had gone to bed, I began to do the dishes. Hyungwon wrapped his arms around me coming up from behind. "I've been thinking, Kihyun... A lot." I nodded, scrubbing the skillet I cooked with down. "Would you really give me a kid? I just assumed you were upset and angry. But... Would you?"

I turned around, looking at him. "Well, yeah. I would. We're high schoolers still though, and I can't live like this much longer. I need the T, Hyungwon. And the surgeries. I can't stay like this. When were you thinking?" I asked.

He shrugged. "That's up to you. But, if you did, you wouldn't back out, would you?" I furrowed my eyebrows. "Like... You wouldn't terminate, would you?" All I could do was blink.

I shook my head. "I don't think I would... I think this time was just triggered by knowing it was Abraham's." I doubted I would be able to abort, even through the strong dysphoric times.

Hyungwon was quiet for a bit. "Then let's get started."

Goosebumps raised over my skin. "What? Hyungwon, I don't have a job. We're still high schoolers, we aren't mentally stable. And don't deny that... Right now?" I asked.

"Yes," he smiled. "I mean right fucking now. When you told me..." Hyungwon pulled away from me for a little. "I always wanted to hear those words. And a fire ignited. I felt it in my soul. I know that when my father heard those words, he was devastated. When I heard those words, I felt joy? And then reality set in. And I don't want to push you into this. But I love you so much Kihyun. The way you take care of Jooheon is amazing. I know you'll be an amazing parent." I didn't know how to feel about this.

Hyungwon held my hand and then I heard Jooheon whimpering. "We can talk about this later. You want me to go?" I asked.

He looked up slightly. "Eh, I probably should. He shouldn't be like this right after dinner." With that, he left the kitchen.

I quickly grabbed my phone, texting Changkyun.

Me:   
He wants a baby. And it sounds like he wants it soon.

I didn't know what to do or how to feel about it. We were moving too fast, but at the same time, it seemed like we didn't have time to last. I could only see the negatives. He was going to leave me somehow. That's how it works. It was one of the only logical ways that he'd even consider and mention kids right now. We've only been dating for a month, it's too soon for that.

My phone buzzed on the counter next to me.

Kyunnie:  
Well, what do you want to do?

Kyunnie:  
Do you feel like he's pressuring you?

Me:  
No, but I don't know what I want to do. 

Me:   
I've always wanted kids. But I'm not sure I ever wanted to carry it. I'm scared of what I'll feel. You actually made me think more about it.

Kyunnie:  
I'm sorry if I scared you. But could you handle this? Could you go through 9 months, feeling more than a woman than you ever have? I don't want you to do this and then regret your life later. I know you love Hyungwon, but he is not the damn Sun and you don't fucking revolve around him.

"He is not the damn Sun and you don't fucking revolve around him..."

That sentence was strong within my soul. I promised myself that if I fell in love, I wouldn't constantly put my lover's needs above mine. I spent so much of my life catering to everyone else's need. I swore to myself that I wouldn't put myself lower anymore. Hyungwon came down to the kitchen again, going to the refrigerator. "He needs a Coke." I looked up from my phone a bit, keeping quiet. He looked at me, concerned. "What's wrong?" 

I looked back down at my phone, melting into tears. "I'm scared, Hyungwon." I sniffled as I rose up again. "We're going too fast, and I don't have any control still. I can't figure out what it is I want." He came over to hug me, trying to calm me down.

"If it's about what I said... Ki, we don't have to think about that at all." Hyungwon took my hand. "I was just curious. And, you can still do your transition and we can have kids later." Something didn't feel right. His words suddenly made me want to try this again. We've never successfully done anything. I wanted to, so bad now.

I found myself holding onto Hyungwon, arms and legs wrapped around him. We sat in a heated makeout session for a while. "Wait," I whispered, jumping down. I grabbed the Coke from the counter and walked upstairs to give it to Jooheon.

Jooheon smiled softly as he took the Coke. "Am I gonna wanna put my music on?" He asked, jokingly. 

"I mean, you could," I laughed a bit, closing the door. "Hyungwon," I called. I went to our room, standing by the door.

Hyungwon came upstairs, smirking softly. "You never fail to amaze me, Kihyun." The door shut, my back against it.

We stayed there, kissing deeply. Hyungwon's body grinding up against me. Then, a phone rang out. Hyungwon's phone. Hyungwon groaned, pulling his phone out. "Ugh." He hung up, throwing his phone on the bed before picking me up and spinning me to the bed. I squealed a bit, holding onto his body. Then his phone rang again. This time I reached for it and I felt him tense up.

"Hello?" I asked, very irritated.

It was silent for a second. "Who is this?" A female's voice. "Where's Hyungwon, I need to fucking talk to him."

My jaw dropped softly, my eyes lingering toward his face. Hyungwon held his head down, shifting away from me. "He's about to get into a fucking fight. Who is this?" Hyungwon grabbed his phone from me, hanging up. "Who was that?" I asked.

"Some crazy bitch I used to date." He said. "That's all."

Again, this didn't feel right. "You're lying to me." I sat up, leaning against the headboard. 

"Okay," Hyungwon sighed. I raised an eyebrow at him. "It's still some crazy bitch I used to date... But there's more." He was pissing me off so much.

I glared at him, clenched jaw. "Lemme take a wild fucking guess. You knocked her up and left her?" Hyungwon's face fell slightly, causing my jaw to drop again. "Are you fucking kidding me, Hyungwon?" I screamed, standing up. "And you're over here preaching about how you want a kid, this, that and the other, you got a whole ass baby somewhere? What, did you just want sex from me?" I felt betrayed. Irritated beyond belief. Hyungwon was quiet and it took all my strength to not haul off and slap him. "You know, I was actually willing, Hyungwon. I was actually willing and oh so very turned on." I scoffed, grabbing my shoes and a jacket. "I can get it elsewhere though, from someone I can trust completely."

Hyungwon stood up, following me. "Where are you going?" He asked, clearly upset as well.

I turned on my heel, to come face to face with him. "Don't you have a fucking kid you need to take care of?" I headed to the kitchen, grabbing my phone. Letting the door slam behind me, I ran out, going to the nearest bus stop. Standing alone, I began to cry. I knew being with him was too good to be true. 

My phone rang out and I answered quickly. "Where are you?"

I sniffled, looking back toward my house. "A few blocks away from home," I mumbled.

Changkyun sighed, turning his signal on. I looked up to see his car turning onto my street. I hung up, meeting him. "What's going on?" Changkyun asked, holding my hand.

I shook my head. "I don't trust him anymore. I need space. And whenever I come back... He needs to get the fuck out of my house. I'll get a job, pay the bills, do everything I have to do to keep shit together. Start my hormones... I don't fucking need his help."

Changkyun started driving to the other side of town. "What do you need?" He asked coming to a stop. 

I shrugged. "My best friend..." I looked out the window, tears falling so fast. Changkyun rubbed my back as I cried. My chest hurt. Everything hurt. And I thought I couldn't be hurt again.


	21. twenty-one.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kihyun makes mistakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter talks about suicide.

Changkyun led me inside, taking my hand to comfort me. "You wanna cuddle up and watch a movie?" He was really trying his hardest.

I shrugged, getting a text from Hyungwon. 

Hyungwonnie:  
Please, let me explain, Kihyun... It's not like that.

Me:  
Nothing explains being a deadbeat. It really doesn't. And what's worse is that you wanted me to put myself through hell just to make you happy. Don't you fucking think I've had enough of that shit?

Hyungwonnie:  
Will you please just call me? I love you. It's not what it seems.

Me:  
Nothing is what it seems.

Hyungwonnie:  
Then call Jooheon. He loves you too. And he's been really upset since you left. I swear I won't interfere. But he's not calming down, whatsoever.

And that's where I felt terrible. I decided to go ahead and call while Changkyun led me to his room. Hyungwon answered, "Joo, look who it is. It's Kihyun, he called for you. Ki, you're on speaker." At least he was respectful enough to leave me alone.

"H-Hello?" Jooheon whimpered, sniffling as well. I knew by then he was crying.

I sighed a bit, sitting down on Changkyun's bed. "Hey, Jooheonnie. What's wrong bud?" Jooheon couldn't speak. "Listen, I know Hyungwon and I had a fight, I know it's scary. But I'll come back, I promise."

Jooheon sobbed before answering me. "When?!" He screamed, his crying turning into hyperventilation. 

I began panicking because I wasn't there to help him. We found new things to help him with his anxiety and it was normally me doing them. We were closer in height than Hyungwon. "Get him on the floor, stretch him out. Don't let him lay with his knees bent like he's gonna do sit up." 

Hyungwon whispered to Jooheon, trying to get him on the ground. "Okay, what now?" He asked. "I-I don't normally do this, I just hold him." He was panicking but I wasn't gonna go home.

"Lay on him, gentle but firm." Changkyun had gone downstairs and came back up to give me some food.

I could still hear Jooheon crying. "Ki, come back. Please." His crying broke my heart.

I bit my lip, thinking for a bit. "Tell you what, you can take my number from Hyungwon, okay? And every day, I'll be there at 9:00 to eat dinner with you and take you to bed, alright? And I promise I won't leave until after you're asleep. And I can come take you to school. Is that okay for you? And you can always call me, until I get a job." Jooheon calmed down a bit. "This won't be forever, Jooheon. I'll be back, but I need to be away for a little bit."

Jooheon sniffled again, "Okay." He took a few deep breaths. "I'll leave you alone for now. I'm fine." I assumed Hyungwon was helping him up now. "Love you, Ki." It went quiet after that.

"Love you too, Jooheon. Goodnight. Hyungwon, take me off speaker real quick." I checked to make sure they didn't hang up, because I wasn't calling him back.

Hyungwon sighed, "What's up?" He asked.

"When's Luna supposed to train with him?" We adopted a dog from the local shelter and had her begin service dog training for him. Jooheon never really had friends with his health conditions. If he had an anxiety attack, he'd be in the hallway alone. If he passed out, he'd just be in the nurse's office, waiting for someone to pick him up. There was no one who really looked out for him. And middle school students can be harsh, harsher than high school students. They'd rather talk about the freak who cries and passes out, the kid that "stutters" instead of giving a damn about him. So, we decided that he needed a service dog, something Minhyuk was adamantly against.

The line went dead for a bit. "I have no idea, we've been trying for next week and they didn't talk to me today. I'll call tomorrow." We didn't speak for a while. "Do you want to hear me out? Or do you want to take out your anger elsewhere? Ignore me?"

I chuckled a bit. "No, I don't want to talk right now. I just want space. I know there's no context, but I'm not sure I want it. You betrayed my trust. I wanted to give myself up to you, but I tried too quickly. It'll destroy us more than help us..." I thought a bit before speaking. "Not to say I believe Minhyuk... But didn't you both say that you use sex as a stress reliever?"

Hyungwon went silent a bit. "I do, but I can always change that." I shook my head a bit.

"Bye, Hyungwon. I don't want to talk anymore." I hung up, throwing my phone down. Changkyun came back into his room, bringing clothes and a fluffy blanket. "You still have that thing?" I chuckled, grabbing it from him.

He smiled, setting the clothes down. "Yeah, it... It reminded me of you a lot. So I kept it." My heart fluttered slightly. He climbed into bed on the other side. "Not to go too deep, but when I... Tried to kill myself and they sent me to the ward, this is what I held onto. I didn't go anywhere without it. I refused to do anything without it."

I pouted softly. "Aweee, my best friend missed me," I joked. "If you don't mind talking to me a bit about... You know. We're so far behind, and I want to know everything." I took a bite of the food he had given me.

"That day, I don't know what happened. I just... I snapped." Changkyun shrugged his shoulders as he turned on the TV. "I couldn't deal with... Everything."

I thought back on our life. He was constantly bullied. Called a fag on the daily, made fun of for his style. We were the outcasts of the school. One day, I found him having a breakdown in the hidden stairwell that we only really knew about. "Hey, hey, what's wrong? I rushed up to him, throwing my bag down, straddling his lap. He was hyperventilating, grabbing at his hair, crying and shaking his head.

I moved his hands from his head, holding them tightly. "I-I can't do this, Kihyun... I can't deal with the hate. I've done nothing wrong to anybody. And I'm thrown against the lockers and walls for being bi. I find a guy I think likes me as well and he turns around and spreads shit. I can't do this." He'd fallen for a boy, his name was Hyunwoo. He was the resident bad boy, the other one. He'd meet girls and never stay. And every once in a while he'd turn to guys, but he turned to Changkyun at a point where he was in-between. And when he was done flirting with him, he exploited him. Now everyone knows he's bi. 

I frowned slightly, holding onto him. "What if I told you I'd be your gi- partner?" I asked.

His breathing slowed down. "What?" He asked.

"I'm not out yet. And no one would respect me anyway. I could be your girlfrien- fuck, your partner. And to put on a show, we can be the gross couple that teachers tell to get to class." It was bold and Changkyun didn't really want to do it.

He sighed, "Thank you, but... I can't ask that of you."

I shrugged. "You're not. I'm offering it and I'm telling you that this is what's going to happen. I'm here to protect you. Even at the expense of myself." From that day on, we let everyone on to the fact that we were "a thing."

"You stopped coming to school," I whispered, my voice weak. "And I didn't understand why. And then some people were talking in our Spanish class. I perked up because they used their ever so loving nicknames for you. And when I asked them what was wrong, they wouldn't say anything. We went to homeroom and our counselors made the rounds to each classroom, announcing that a student attempted suicide. And I knew it was you. People were shocked for the moment, when they found out who, they didn't care. And I stayed home sick so often because I worried about you. And you disappeared, no trace of you. I wanted you around and I was scared you succeeded somewhere."

Changkyun pulled me into a tight hug. "I'm sorry, Ki. I know you needed me." I began to cry.

I nodded, holding onto him. "I did... I really did. You kept them all away. You couldn't stop Abraham, but you kept everyone else away." 

Changkyun shushed me, "It's okay... I got you." After I calmed down, I found myself letting my emotions take over me. Hyungwon didn't matter, the lies didn't matter. Nothing mattered except for me having my best friend back. 

Guilt was a strong feeling, but I ignored it. I guess I didn't feel terribly guilty. I straddled Changkyun, my hands finding my way to his face. The kissing, the heat, the lust. It was like he'd never left. "What... What are we doing?" I asked, taking a quick breath before leaning back down to kiss him.

Changkyun broke the kiss in short increments. "What. We. Always did. It's like I never left." He took a break for a bit. "Do you really want to? I have what we need."

It was thoughtless. I nodded quickly, leaning down to leave marks on his neck. "I need my best friend." That's all this was, best friends with benefits. 

As I woke up the next day, the guilt hangover was strong. I sat up, crying softly, early in the morning. Changkyun was sleeping soundly. I was so wrong. Changkyun stirred, noticing my body heat was gone. "What's wrong?" He asked, sitting up as well.

"I'm a hypocrite," I admitted. I judged Hyungwon for sex as stress relief and the only thing I did was go back to old habits, out of stress. I looked at the clock. "I gotta get back. I promised Jooheon I'd take him to school."

Changkyun nodded. "I'll take you two... What are you going to do about your schooling?" He asked.

I shrugged. I'd been gone for most of the semester at this point. "Get my GED, I guess. But I'm not worried about that. I just want to get Jooheon to school." I got up getting dressed, rushing to get out of the room. It wasn't Changkyun's fault. It's mine... And I knew this conversation with Hyungwon was going to cause Hell.


	22. Chapter 22

As we pulled up to my house, I dreaded walking in. "Be right back." I got out of the car, walking up to my door. I opened the door, sighing softly. "Jooheon! I'm here to take you to school."

Hyungwon came out of our room. "Before you go, you need to listen to me!" He was angry, manic. 

I looked at him. "Did you take your medicine?" I asked.

He rolled his eyes. That's a no. "Her name is Akira. She has it out for me. I swear. We had a one night stand, she ended up pregnant and decided to put a restaining order on me. She decided to tell people that I assaulted her, but wouldn't press charges because she knows she's a lying ass bitch." His anger was spiking. "I wanted to be a part of my son's life. I wanted to take care of him. She keeps calling me to tell me I'm not shit, complain about child support and she has a fucking restraining order on me. I didn't choose to fucking leave them and I'm not a fucking deadbeat, Kihyun, I'm not my fucking father!" 

I shushed him, placing my hand in his. "Okay, okay..." The tears in his eyes told me he was serious. That this was all real. "I'm sorry. I really am..." I reached up and wiped his tears.

"I can guess what happened last night," Hyungwon whispered. "But tell me... Please. I-I can't blame you. Tell me so you can come back home. I won't be mad at you."

My breath hitched in my throat. "I-" How the fuck was I supposed to chew him out, then turn around and do what I wanted? "I'm a hypocrite, Hyungwon," I mumbled. I leaned into his chest, crying. Hyungwon just held onto me. "We had sex, Hyungwon. I'm sorry. I bitched at you about sex as stress relief and then I fucking did it, I'm so sorry." Hyungwon shushed me, holding me tightly.

It was this moment where I really realized that I needed something, desperately. "Kihyun, I'm ready to go." Jooheon smiled, coming downstairs.

I pulled myself together. "Hey bud," I chuckled. "Come on." I took his hand. "Let's go." 

Instead of going back to Changkyun's after dropping Jooheon off, I decided to go back home. We would've done it again. I know it. And Hyungwon and I made up, so there was no need. "I'm not a total dickhead," Hyungwon defended as I came inside. 

I shook my head. "I'm not going back to Changkyun's," I admitted. "But, I need therapy. I need it bad." Hyungwon's face fell slightly.

"Kihyun..." He mumbled.

I began to cry. "I need therapy, Hyungwon. You know it and I know it." He seemed like he didn't want me to. Or maybe because it wasn't affordable. It wasn't, but still. "You don't just go through years and years of countless rapes, a pregnancy and miscarriage of your rapist's child, losing your mother to suicide, almost losing your best friend to suicide, and use sex, consensual sex, as your own form of cheap therapy and just expect to be okay." 

Hyungwon nodded, taking a seat. "I agree, you probably should go... What's the thought you have? Like... Are you going to just go? Or are you going to a... Facility?" I shrugged, I didn't know. 

"I gotta find what's right for me." Hyungwon frankly saved me. But he couldn't keep saving me. As much as I loved him, he was only hurting me. "We we're too fucked up for each other. But I don't want to leave you or Jooheon. Especially not after last night." I looked toward the kitchen. "Go call about Luna. I'm hungry." I turned and went to the kitchen.

It was hard, but I felt like it was necessary to do this. I texted Changkyun to ask what facility he'd gone to and if they had therapists to talk to without being admitted. I didn't want to leave Jooheon. He was one of the only things keeping me here. He needed me now, just as much as he needed Hyungwon. I wasn't even really that hungry, I just grabbed some bread. Hyungwon came into the kitchen. "They said today. They were filing paperwork a lot yesterday. We can pick her up after Jooheon comes home from school." I was overjoyed, finally something started going right.

When we picked Jooheon up, he was ecstatic. "Kihyun, you stayed!" He ran up to me, hugging me tightly.

"Yes, I couldn't just leave you behind," I smiled.

A group of kids glared at us. "Joo, is that your sister? Or your temporary sister?" They asked.

I furrowed my eyebrows, disgusted that they had nothing better to do. "Don't you kids have after school detentions to serve or something?" One of the kids spit at Jooheon before walking off. "Bro, that's actually illegal what the fuck?" I sighed, taking my shirt sleeve, wiping his face.

"Nothing new. Come on, let's go home," he sighed.

I shook my head, opening the door. "We gotta make one little stop before we go home."

As we pulled up to the shelter, Jooheon looked out the window, confused as hell. "What are we doing here?" He asked.

"Well," Hyungwon started, pulling out his phone to record. "Remember that one night you woke up and me, Minhyuk and Mom were discussing getting you a service dog?"

Jooheon's eyes lit up with a fire that I hadn't ever seen in his eyes. "Shut up, that's not what's happening..." Jooheon looked out the window as tears started to fall. "Oh my God, Hyungwon." He was so happy. "I'm not going to be alone anymore?" He asked, bringing tears to my eyes.

Hyungwon smiled, "No, kid, you won't be alone anymore. Come on, let's go." We all got out, heading to the entrance. We were welcomed by smiles and cheerful greetings. "Hello, I'm Chae Hyungwon, I have a dog that's supposed to have been in training to be a service dog?"

The secretary reached down to grab a file. "Follow me!" She smiled, leading us to a meeting room. "Sit here and we'll be right back with Luna." Hyungwon got his phone out again, waiting for the knock on the door.

When the door opened again, a beautiful Border Collie walked in and sat down, completely well behaved. Jooheon gasped slightly, crying again. It was like it had just become real for him. "Oh my God..." Jooheon gingerly approached her, kneeling down. "Hi, mama." I smiled softly, holding Hyungwon's hand.

"Now," the woman said. "You have to train her to take care of him. She already knows what low and high blood sugars smell like. But as far as anxiety attacks, she needs to learn about them, the pattern of them and how to help him." We were provided with her papers, her vest, a leash and information on how to train a service dog.

We had to go to the store before we went back home, getting dog supplies for Luna. Her first test began even in the store. Luna began barking, causing us to turn around. Jooheon was swaying slightly. "Jooheon?" Hyungwon asked. 

I looked at his pale face. "She's barking... Low blood sugar?" Hyungwon rushed to Jooheon's side to catch him before he hit the floor hard. When he began to seize up, bystanders began to halt. 

"Give me his bag, everyone please keep moving." Hyungwon knew better than anyone that he would be extremely anxious when he came to.

Someone walked by us, "I'm a doctor, does he need one?" I looked up, waving him over.

Hyungwon sighed, "Actually, yes. This is too long."

The doctor kneeled down. "First of all, do you have a glucagon injection?" Hyungwon nodded, getting it out. "That'll stop most of these issues right now." Hyungwon let the doctor administer it.

Hyungwon looked up to see people still crowding around. "Guys, please, don't stand around us."

I stood up. "He's going to be fine, don't worry. But he won't be if you hound around him. He'll come to and have an anxiety attack, please keep moving." At that moment, Jooheon began to wake up.

"He should probably go to the hospital, yeah?" The doctor asked. 

Hyungwon shook his head. "He'll be fine, we just have to get him home. Thank you for your help."

"No problem," the doctor smiled. "Here's my number, call if you need any help." With that, he left.

We hurried home so Jooheon could rest. "Thank you for coming back," Hyungwon said, helping me take care of groceries.

"I was wrong," I admitted, walking up to him. "Plus, we have business to attend to." I pulled him closer to me by his waist.

Hyungwon chuckled, shaking his head. "I said I wouldn't be mad," he started. "But that doesn't mean I don't feel betrayed. I lied to you and I'm sorry, but you fucked your best friend. You revisited your past, I'm still here and faithful. Akira... She's nothing special to me. You are. But, am I special to you?"

I sighed softly, holding his face in my hands. "I love you, Kyunnie... I always wi-" I froze up. 

Hyungwon took my hands off of him. "I rest my case... You only love me because I protect you." Hyungwon started to walk away. "I love you because you saved me."

I sighed, mentally beating myself up. Yes, I loved Changkyun. But, I was in love with Hyungwon. And I couldn't express it at all for him.


	23. twenty-three.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyungwon's health rapidly declines.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Assisted) suicide and self harm.

I regretted what I'd done with Changkyun. I missed him so much, and I felt like I was going to lose him again. Even though he was right there. And how I reacted to Hyungwon was vile. I was so fucked up and I blamed it all on myself. I wanted to blame my mother, Abraham, every man that ever hurt me. But it was all me. 

Hyungwon snapped me out of my thoughts. "Luna's barking," he said, rushing upstairs. I followed him, prepared with a can of soda. "Jooheon?" He asked, coming into his room. 

Jooheon was taking quick, short breaths before jumping up, trying to breathe. "I-I... Ow..." he whined, "My head."

"Hand me his insulin, Kihyun. He doesn't need more sugar." I nodded, putting the drink down, searching his bag. "Relax, Joo. You can't breathe already, but you're gonna make yourself freak. Don't freak okay? I got you." He nodded, trying to take as deep of breaths that he could. I gave Hyungwon his insulin and syringe. "Alright, Jooheon. Little pinch." Hyungwon lifted Jooheon's shirt, pinching his stomach softly so he could give him his shot. "Pinch, and count." He looked up at Jooheon, keeping him calm.

"One, one thousand. Two, one thousand. Three, one thousand. Four, one thousand. Five, one thousand." Jooheon took a deep breath in relief as Hyungwon took the syringe out, throwing it away. Luna curled up next to Jooheon, helping him keep calm. "Hey, good girl," he smiled softly.

I grabbed a small bag of treats, giving her one to help train her to remember to stay by Jooheon's side. "What was that?" I asked.

"Hyperglycemia," Hyungwon sighed.

I furrowed my eyebrows. "I generally get hypoglycemic attacks, which is low blood sugar." Jooheon laid back down in bed. "But since I had it low in the store and had that injection and then came home to sleep, I had too high of blood sugar." I nodded, keeping up with it. 

Hyungwon's phone rang and he rolled his eyes. "What?" He asked, putting things back in Jooheon's bag. "No... She was doing so well. Minhyuk, you're lying to me this time aren't you? Y-You've got to be lying to me." I glanced at Jooheon, seeing if he was as worried as I was. Luna crawled onto his lap to protect him, because he was indeed as worried as I was. "What the fuck, why is it happening?" Hyungwon froze up a bit. The next thing I knew, tears were pouring from his eyes. "Oh fuck... We're on the way." As he hung up, he looked up at me. "Do you have your license?" Hyungwon asked. I shook my head as he grabbed Jooheon's things, getting him up. "You do tonight. Or else we wouldn't make it to the hospital in the way we should. Kyungwon's losing it. She keeps coding and they can't keep her stable enough."

I took his keys from him. "Let's go," I mumbled, taking his hand. Jooheon and Luna led us out to the car first. 

I felt his hand shaking as we walked out. Dare I say it, he was scared. Terrified of what was going to happen. I took the quickest way to the hospital, trying to avoid police as well. When we got to the hospital, Hyungwon and Jooheon quickly got out. I followed quickly after, trying to keep up with them. "Lee Kyungwon?" Hyungwon asked, breathlessly approached the secretary.

"Uhm..." He said, looking through his records. "I don't see a Lee Kyun-"

He was cut off by Minhyuk grabbing our attention. "Hyungwon..." He said softly.

My chest tightened ever so slightly. I was hoping he was gonna deliver the bad news with just a little bit of sugar with it. "No," Hyungwon whimpered. "No... She's not dead. Please."

Minhyuk took his hand. "Not yet. But she's losing her will to live. Fast. She's been passing out and coding painfully for hours now. She's been crying, begging the doctors to let her go." My heart broke to see Hyungwon fall to his knees, crying. "Oh God," Minhyuk held onto him so he didn't hurt himself. Simultaneously, Minhyuk shot me a dirty glance as he looked at Luna and Jooheon. That's seriously what he was he was concerned about? I just rolled my eyes.

"J-Just... Let me see her. Please." Hyungwon sniffled, trying to pull himself together. "She can't die yet. Let us say bye at least." Minhyuk nodded, helping him up. He led us all to Kyungwon's room in the ICU. 

Doctors were surrounding her. "Okay, give us some space please? One doctor can stay." Minhyuk caught everyone's attention, quickly airing out the room. "Kyungwon," he spoke quietly. "Everyone's here."

She sniffled a bit, tears flowing endlessly. "Where's Mom? I want her too." I still felt like I put her in this bed.

"You know she won't show... She's barely accepting of you as it is, and for you to have been prostituting?" Hyungwon sighed softly. "You only need us anyway..."

Kyungwon sighed softly, catching a glimpse of me. "Is that the infamous Kihyun?" She chuckled softly. 

I nodded softly, Hyungwon pulling me into the circle around her. That's when I began to lose it. "I'm sorry... I-I did this to you." I wiped my face, trying not to make it about me.

"I was helping you," Kyungwon shrugged. "I wasn't meant to live the way I needed to, and I died trying to make it happen for you. There's nothing you did to put me here. Just be careful out there." I nodded softly, holding her hand a little bit. Even for these few moments, she felt like she'd been my friend forever.

"Kyungie," Jooheon whimpered, coming closer. I moved off to the side, letting him be the closest to her. "I love you so much." 

She smiled, hugging him. "I love you too, sweetheart... You're doing so well. Keep that lovable spark up, kid." Soon enough, she let him go. "Hyungwon... I need something from you." Kyungwon was going to continue speaking but pain took over her body quickly, causing her to scream out in agony. I grabbed onto Jooheon, holding his head so he didn't see or hear what was happening. The doctor that was still in the room pushed Minhyuk to the side, getting the crash cart ready.

"Oh my God!" Minhyuk yelled. "Let her fucking go! She wants this to end and you keep saving her. Has she not been begging you to let her go?"

The doctor continued on, saving her once again. Her tears were even more prominent. "God! Fucking kill me! Please! Hyungwon... Please before this happens again, sign the DNR and the assisted suicide sheet. Th-they don't want only me signing it for some God forsaken reason. And Minhyuk won't sign it. Mom isn't here to sign it. Please just sign it with me. I can't take this anymore! And if you don't sign it, just fucking smother me. Or take me in a back alley and shoot me!" Hyungwon shushed her, holding close.

The scene was heartbreaking to watch. "Shh, okay, okay. I'll sign it. It's okay. We'll end it together, okay? It's you and me, Kyungie." Hyungwon looked up at the doctor. "Give me the DNR. Before she codes. And if she doesn't code again, give me whatever she signed for assisted suicide. She's fucking exhausted." 

Reluctantly, the doctor handed over both sheets. "Sign here," he sighed. Hyungwon took the pen, shakily signing the DNR first. The doctor switched the papers. "And here..." 

Hyungwon read over the paper. "Pills?" He asked softly.

Kyungwon nodded. "I'm suffering, Hyungwon. Don't worry about it. Just sign it, please." Hyungwon took a deep breath, signing the second paper as tears poured down his face.

We stayed there for hours. Kyungwon didn't code again. So she made her final call, asking for the pills. Her doctor came in with the medicine, unhooking her from every machine. "Thank you," she mumbled, taking the pills from the doctor and sitting up with the help of Hyungwon. In one take, she downed them all, taking a deep sigh of relief. Jooheon laid on the other side of Kyungwon, Hyungwon still on her left side. Luna jumped up, laying in her lap so she had a furbaby to pet. Minhyuk stood by Jooheon and I sat in a chair off to the side. "What are you doing over there silly? You're my family too. You're the one my brother loves. Come here." She smiled softly, motioning me to her. I smiled, pulling my chair up next to Hyungwon. 

It didn't take long for the pills to kick in. "Kyungie?" Hyungwon wiped her tears away.

"I-I don't feel pain. I don't hurt anymore," she whispered. 

Everyone told her how much they loved her once again. It wasn't long after that before Kyungwon passed away. We watched as she took one last deep breath, her body shifting lower in Hyungwon's arms. He broke down into tears, crying into her shoulder. Their mother still hadn't shown up.

When we got back home, it was closer to seven in the morning. "Go to bed, Jooheon," Hyungwon sighed. "I'll call the school, you're not going for the rest of the week." Jooheon just went straight to his room, Luna following quickly behind. I didn't know what to say to him. Hyungwon went on to quickly make the phone call to the school. "Hi, this is Chae Hyungwon, Lee Jooheon's brother. Unfortunately, there was a death in the family overnight and he will not be coming to school for the rest of the week..." I followed him to the kitchen. "I don't give a damn if he's missed a lot of school. He gets bullied and he has a lot of health problems, he might as well be fucking homeschooled. You guys fail him for having anxiety attacks any fucking way." He quickly hung up, throwing his phone down.

"Hey," I mumbled, wrapping my arms around his waist as he broke down into tears again. "Shh, I know."

Hyungwon shook his head. "I asked her to help you. I ruined her life. I killed her." I shook my head, holding his hands. Hyungwon tapped out of the hug, leaving my arms and heading to our room. I sighed softly, going to check on Jooheon. I didn't want to pry in on their grieiving time, but I didn't want Jooheon alone during a breakdown.

I knocked softly on the door. When he didn't answer, I got worried. "Jooheonie?" I asked softly, knocking again. Luna began to bark and that's when I knew I had to get in. I grabbed the doorknob and it didn't budge. "Jooheon! Open the fucking door!" I sighed, going to the linen closet, grabbing the key for the locks on the doors. I unlocked the door, letting myself in. Jooheon looked up at me, tears streaming down his face. "What the fuck are you doing?" I yelled, running to him. "How long have you been doing this?" I grabbed his hands. "Give me it, now."

Jooheon sighed, passing me an exacto knife. "Two years... I just never did it on my arms." I put it in my pocket, praying I wouldn't sit on it later. "It's not that bad, Kihyun. Minhyuk and Hyungwon have done worse." I furrowed my eyebrows a bit. "Yes, my narrowminded brother, Minhyuk, does it too. It's safe to say we're all doing something." I rushed to the bathroom, grabbing bandages for him. "Why are you rushing around like that?" Jooheon asked.

"Because, Hyungwon's alone and when Kyungwon almost died last time, he almost killed himself!" I ran across the hall to our room, unlocking the door. When I found Hyungwon, I almost froze in fear of triggering him and the gun. "Oh, Hyungwon..." I mumbled.

He looked up at me, gun pointed at his chest, tears pouring. "I killed her. I put her out there and those two guys killed her. I put her out there. And I signed those papers... I killed her."

I didn't know what to do. "Baby, don't. Please." I reached in my pocket to grab my phone, texting Minhyuk. "You didn't do it. Put the gun down." Minhyuk was on the way.

"I killed her!" He screamed. "I killed her! I need to kill me." I couldn't stop him. I needed help.

I shook my head. "No, Hyungwon, please. Put it down. Think about Jooheon and Minhyuk. They lost the same person. Jooheon needs you so much. I need you." Hyungwon wasn't letting go any time soon.

We stood off for about 15 minutes, me begging him not to and him bargaining with me about why he should. Minhyuk had directions on how to get in. "Hyungwon," I heard Minhyuk behind me. I stepped to the side, letting him in. "Put it down. Now." Hyungwon looked up at him, tears pouring. "I know you hurt. But this isn't what you're going to do."

Hyungwon shook his head. "You're right. This isn't what I want to do." He lowered the gun from his chest. He had us fooled. "I wanna shoot here, instead." He raised the gun to his head, pulling the trigger. 

I screamed out, "No!" I ran to him, holding his head. "Call an ambulance! Hurry!" I held Hyungwon tightly, keeping a hand on the wound. Everything was getting worse and worse, I didn't know how to handle this anymore.


	24. twenty-four.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minhyuk and Kihyun are left alone once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning, everything you've seen before is resurfacing.

"Where's Jooheon?" Minhyuk asked, rushing back upstairs. "The doors open for the medics."

I couldn't speak. Hyungwon wasn't dead yet, he shot himself off centered. But he resembled a fish out of water. "Across the hall," I said, trying to keep a grasp on his head. "He cut himself and I caught him before I realized what Hyungwon was up to." I heard Minhyuk scoff as he walked out.

I was begging for God to hear my prayers. Hyungwon had to stay. I needed him. "Goddamn, Kihyun. You got both my brothers suicidal? They must be spending too much time with you." I rolled my eyes.

"You want one of them to die?" I screamed. "Because I wanna slap the shit out of you, bitch shut the fuck up! Just go get him and take him to the car!" I didn't his shit talk, I needed to get his brother to a hospital. "You know what, this isn't all my fault!" I sniffled, holding Hyungwon tightly.

Minhyuk rolled his eyes. "Oh please, you walked away from him, called him a deadbeat father, a pig, you slept with your best friend for Christ's sake. Aren't you supposed to be asexual or some shit? Or are you just gonna wait for Changkyun to fucking piss you off so you can scream rape?"

I shook my head, chest tightening. "Minhyuk, do you fucking want him to die? I'm holding his fucking head, if you keep talking, I'm gonna choke you the fuck out, and then you'll both be laying on my floor dead. Shut up!" Hyungwon's breathing became labored. He was trying so hard to breathe. "Please God, not him too. I love him too. Not him. Please, you took my Mama from me, don't take my love. Don't take him, please. Please. Please. Minhyuk where the fuck are the paramedics?!" I couldn't keep holding onto his head enough as it was and if he dared to fucking start more bullshit with me, I'd probably give up.

He quickly ran downstairs with Jooheon, blocking him from seeing Hyungwon strewn across the floor. Within a few moments, I heard his voice again. "Right up here, hurry up! His partner can't hold his head much longer. There's too much blood." I looked up to see the paramedics standing in front of me.

"Oh shit," the first one said. "Uhm... Okay. I'm going to slip my hands down between yours... Quickly. Do not. Slow. Down." My hands were shaking as I became hysteric. I couldn't fathom doing this seamlessly and effortlessly. As the medic kneeled down, he took a deep breath, putting his hands inbetween mine. "Okay, let go now." I quickly did so and even then, I flung more blood over the walls.

I couldn't function anymore. His breath was rasping now. "Shit, you gotta get him out of here in under five." The next medic stepped up.

"Come on let's go," Minhyuk said, grabbing my arm roughly. I winced softly. Now I was hysteric and growing anxious for another reason. If no one knew yet, I don't fucking like being alone with Minhyuk. Even though Jooheon's with us, there's nothing much that 14 year old boy can do to stop a damn near 20 year old man from hurting me. I wanted Changkyun again... Was it too late to get him?

As we got in the car, Minhyuk was still for a moment before he glared at me. The next thing I knew, he was pulling out of the driveway like a bat out of hell. "What the hell, Minhyuk?" Jooheon screamed.

Minhyuk pumped his brakes, subsequently slamming me and Jooheon into the dash and seat in front of us, respectively. "Shut the hell up, kid. You're gonna keep your mouth shut." I felt my throat close up from anxiety. "You. He was alright until he fucking met you. My family was all fucking right until you came into the picture. If it weren't for you, I'd have my sister. My brothers. Shit, maybe even my mom. You ruined everything. And I can't wait to ruin you." Minhyuk drove around back roads that I'd seen too many times before. 

He was a new Abraham... Just when I'd expected to be rid of him. He still plagued my life. He pulled onto a run down dirt road. It was all too familiar. I heard two doors close, focusing on my lap, hoping to drown out what was going to happen. My vision flashed to a dark night down this road. "You said we were going to the store."

Abraham chuckled, locking the doors. "That's what I told your mother..." His hand rested on my thigh. "Baby girl, you know I'm no good at shopping. Plus, this is our spot." His hands, roaming my body. His lips, hovering above my skin. His voice, piercing through my silence.

The car door slammed, hands resuming the position that played in my mind. Minhyuk continued to brag about how he was going to destroy me, as if it would scare me. "You can't destroy what's already been completely shattered..." I whispered, tears coming to my eyes. "You want me dead for your sister? And eye for an eye? One trans person for another? Kill me. But I can't take this one more time. I'm fucking tired, Minhyuk." I had no means of fighting him. All I could do was hope that he'd hear the sincerity in my voice and care. "Do you hear yourself? Minhyuk, I know somewhere inside, you aren't this person. If someone did what you're even thinking about doing to that boy outside? You'd kill them wouldn't you. If someone took advantage of Jooheon, especially with his needs, you'd go crazy for him." He nodded slowly, hands still resting in my lap. "So why are you about to do it to me? Why can you do it to Hyungwon? Who hurt you so badly, Minhyuk? It wasn't me. I haven't done anything to you. Hyungwon hasn't."

Minhyuk froze up. I hit a nerve somewhere. Just then, his phone rang. "H-Hello?" He asked softly as he answered the phone. "Yes, this is him. He's there? Okay, we're on the way." He hung up quickly, putting his phone in a nearby cup holder.

"Why do you want to hurt me like that? Why are you transphobic against me? Judgemental in so many ways?" I wasn't going to let up. "Is it because your brother loves me? And for whatever reason, it kills you that it isn't you? Minhyuk, who fucked you up?"

That's when he finally broke. "Shit, my dad did, okay?" He yelled. "The men in this town ain't fucking shit. They're all sick in the fucking head! Now shut the fuck up before I actually kill you!" Minhyuk honked his horn, grabbing Jooheon's attention, despite his headphones. As he got back in the car, he held onto Luna's leash so hard, he began to white knuckle it.

We headed toward the hospital, silence plaguing the ride. I began to text Changkyun, asking him to meet us there. I was afraid now to be around Minhyuk and even Jooheon. I just needed Hyungwon to wake up.


	25. twenty-five.

Minhyuk kept looking in the backseat, I assume to check on Jooheon. "Men in this town don't need to be fathers. They don't need to be around children." 

I rolled my eyes, just really wanting to be away from him at this point. "So when are you getting your vasectomy?" He needed to keep quiet while we drove to the hospital. I wasn't feeling too docile anymore. The more and more I replayed the entire situation in my head, the more and more I got angry. He almost exactly like Abraham. The only difference? I could break Minhyuk down mentally. I could easily hurt him with only my words. There was no way I could stop Abe. Minhyuk was weak in more than one aspect.

I got him to be quiet for the rest of the ride. When we got to the hospital, I was greeted by Changkyun. "Hey," he mumbled, noticing how close to tears I was. "Hey... Calm down. What's wrong?" He pulled me to seats nearby.

I hadn't told him anything. I just needed him here. "So," I croaked, my voice cracking. The tears began to fall. "Hyungwon's sister died. And it was due to complications from an attack a while ago. She was out on the streets and two guys didn't like the fact that she was trans. So they... They did something unspeakable to her. And beat her. And left her for dead in a fucking dumpster. And there was a coma for her, a lot of infections. She chose to end her life because of how much pain she was in." Changkyun reached up and wiped my tears away. "And Hyungwon signed her papers with her. And he felt guilty for her death."

Changkyun furrowed his eyebrows. "How so?" He asked.

"She was prostituting to get me some cheap T. It was probably illegal too. And he asked her to do it for me. Because she did it for herself and she turned out okay." Changkyun nodded following along. "Plus he signed her papers. Jooheon... He slit his arms. And then I remembered that when we found her in the dumpster, Hyungwon almost killed himself. When I walked in on him today, he was crying, holding the gun at his chest. Minhyuk came and a few moments later, he shot himself in the head instead. But he shot off center. That's why he's here." I bit my lip. "And then, something else happened on the way here." I looked down at my lap, feeling Minhyuk's hands on my thighs. Anxiety clawed its way up my throat. 

Changkyun kneeled in front of me, holding my hands. I began to cry again. "Hey, it's okay. You can tell me anything. I'm here." I shook my head. I knew Minhyuk would hear me. He wasn't far away. "Why not?" He asked.

I sighed, wiping my tears away. "I don't need you blowing up like you used to. I don't know if you do anymore." Whenever someone disrespected me, whether it was calling me by my dead name or it was groping me, he'd get into a blowout fight over it. Suspended with the other person suffering at home with bruised or broken bones.

"Is it someone around us?" I nodded slowly, my eyes shifting toward the check in. "I won't do anything but you gotta tell me. If I have to ask him, I make no promises."

I gripped his hands anxiously before releasing quickly. "Okay... He hates me. He hates me, he's transphobic only toward me, he victim blames me. He's so rash with Jooheon. He-" Changkyun cut me off.

"He was sexually exploiting Hyungwon when they were younger and now he thinks he can still put hands on people? Yeah, I fucking know." Changkyun was getting angry. "What did he fucking do to you?"

Just as I was trying to calm him down, Minhyuk walked over to us. "He's in the ICU, he's probably gonna be in a coma. He can probably hear us. You wanna go see him?" Changkyun looked up at him, anger fuming. "What are you looking at?" Minhyuk asked. 

I grabbed at Changkyun's arm as he tried to stand up. "Let's go see him." I looked around the waiting room for Jooheon. "Where's Jooheon and Luna?" I asked. I quieted down to hear for Luna. Just my luck, there was barking off into the distance. "Jooheon?" I called. I reached into my back pocket. My eyes widened when I didn't feel the exacto knife. "Oh, shit!" I began running toward the bathrooms. Minhyuk and Changkyun followed after me.

"What's happening?" Minhyuk asked, trying to keep up.

Panic set in for me. "Your brother's self harming and I know he's not going to stop himself." I came to a dead end, turning around immediately to rush back to the waiting room. "Jooheon! This isn't cool, where are you?!" I was running out of breath looking for this damn kid.

"Where would he be?" Changkyun said, taking a break.

I shook my head, not knowing. Then I heard barking above us. It slowly descended below us. "The fucking elevators!" Minhyuk led us back to the elevators. He beat on the buttons, trying to get the elevator back up. 

As soon as the door opened, we were faced with Jooheon and Luna. She was laying in his lap as he cried. "Kid, why?" I asked, sitting next to him. He was going to need a trip to the ER for some sutures.

"I-I'm sorry..." He whined.

I shook my head. "Why? We'll just get you help." I wiped his tears.

"No!" He cried. "What about you? I didn't get you help! I left you." My jaw dropped slightly.

I pulled him closer to me. "Hey," I whispered softly. "You don't feel bad for that. Okay? You don't feel bad for that. Even though you knew what was happening, you are not to blame." I helped him up, grabbing tissues from right outside the elevator. "Kyunnie, can you take him to the ER? He needs sutures. Those are way too deep." He nodded, leading Jooheon away.

Minhyuk scoffed. "Why not me, his actual brother?"

I shot him a cutting glare. "Because, he ran off and did this because of you! Do you know what he was talking about?" Minhyuk froze, letting me know he had no answer. "He felt guilty for standing outside the car and not doing anything to help me against you! You made him stand outside the car, and he felt bad that he didn't get enough courage to tell you to stop. So you don't get to take him because you caused it." I took a deep breath, rubbing my face. "Why in the fuck are you such a dick? I don't really give two shits about what your father did but tell me anyway." I really didn't care. I wasn't going to have much sympathy for him, honestly.

"He taught me to 'be a man', take what I want, give nothing in return. Did you want the dirty details?" He quipped sarcastically.

I rolled my eyes. "No, but I want you to stop acting as if what you're doing is okay. The transphobia, the victim blaming. I'm aware Hyungwon now tells you everything, but that gives you no fucking right to treat me the way you do. I'm fucking sick of it. I've done nothing to you. And I'm so sorry for taking away your precious boy toy, maybe your mom will adopt another one you choose to exploit." I let it all out. If he was going to attack me in the way he does verbally, two could play that ballsy game. "And why does Changkyun hate you so much? Don't tell me you used him too." 

Minhyuk scoffed. "Room 6," he headed toward the ICU.

I sighed softly. "I'm sorry for snapping so much. But I'm really fed up with your bipolar ass attitude toward me. I already hate myself, I hate what I did to him. I don't need your extra disapproval." I walked ahead of him, getting to the ICU quickly.

The inane beeping of the monitor caused my breath to hitch. I stopped walking, my feet failing to move forward. "Come on," Minhyuk whispered taking my hand. "I know I'm a dick... But especially right now, you don't need that. It's okay." 

We walked into Hyungwon's room and I felt a weight on my shoulders immediately. "Oh my God, Hyungwon..." He looked horrible. His eyes were half shut, his mouth slightly opened due to the breathing tube in his throat and pale, because of the blood loss. I took it upon myself to cuddle up to him, pulling a chair to his bedside and laying ny head on his chest. Whenever I wanted a nightmare to end, I'd get close to him like this. And at this point, I'm begging for the end to be near.


	26. twenty-six.

Weeks went by and I hadn't really left the hospital at all. Minhyuk brought me food that I never ate and Jooheon came everyday so I could help him with homework and talk to him about his days. Changkyun stayed the night with me, but Hyungwon wasn't responding to much of anything. He still had plenty of brain activity. Every time I spoke to him, his monitor spiked. So it was time to do it again. "Hey, baby..." I smiled softly, holding his hand. "Jooheon's coming soon, he's almost done with watching the football game. You hear that? He actually went to a game." I looked up to see his brainwaves spiking. "Yeah, I know you're proud of him. Everyone is."

I got a text from Jooheon, telling me he was downstairs in the cafeteria. He didn't want to come upstairs for the moment. I met him downstairs and we started his homework, until I needed a calculator. "So... 5x to the fourth plus 7x minus 34x... Wouldn't that be... That's too high for me to do mentally." Jooheon sighed, putting his pencil down, frustrated. 

"Give me a second. I do have that app that can help explain it." I searched my pockets for my phone. "Oh shit, I think I left it with Hyungwon... Give me five minutes, okay?" Jooheon nodded, moving onto some reading he needed to do. As I left, I asked for someone who was cleaning up if they could watch out for him, make sure he didn't leave the room. They kindly obliged as I walked out.

As I made my way to Hyungwon's room, I heard crying. "Hyungwon... I've hurt you so much. And I'm so sorry. I know I probably caused this as well. You don't deserve this. And I need to be honest with you. If you don't know what I'm talking about when you wake up, I'll tell you again..." I furrowed my eyebrows. "I-I've been so mean to Kihyun. So mean. When you got shot, I pinned him to the wall, feeling him up. And on the way to the hospital, about three weeks ago, I almost did something to him again. I don't know what's wrong with me... I-I know how that feels and I do it to Kihyun, I do it to you... I know you might kill me later. But I don't care. I probably deserve it. I'm sorry, Hyungwon. I need help and I don't know how to get it." I almost felt sorry for him. That is, until I heard Hyungwon's monitor alarm. 

I rushed into his room. "His body's stressed out, leave him alone." I pushed Minhyuk off to the side. "Shh, you're okay. I'm here." Hyungwon's monitor calmed down soon after. "Why would you tell him that now? When he can't respond? That's a chicken shit fucking move." I was beyond pissed off.

"It's easier to do this..." He whispered. "I can swallow my pride when he can just listen."

I rolled my eyes, still staying close to Hyungwon. "Then be a fucking man and swallow it after he can actually respond instead of fucking with his health! Get out and go watch Jooheon. He's in the cafeteria." Minhyuk rushed out, leaving me with Hyungwon.

Just then Changkyun rushed in, clearly distressed. "Ki, he's here..." He said, pacing and hyperventilating. "He's here, oh God he's here!" I furrowed my eyebrows, turning to look at him.

"Who's here?" I couldn't figure out who could sens him into a panic like that.

He whimpered, coming to me and kneeling on the floor, head in my lap. I ran my fingers through his hair as he began sobbing. "Shownu. He's here. I don't know why, but he's here."

I gasped slightly, holding onto him. "Shh, I got you. He can't hurt you anymore. And surely he's matured some?" I didn't know how to be hopefully for him. I remember clearly the months before he left.

"Kihyun!" Changkyun ran up to me in the halls, rushing me and picking me up. "I'm so happy!" He smiled.

I chuckled, squealing softly. "That's cute, but put me down!" He laughed softly and put me down. "What's got my best friend so estatic?"

He began blushing. "Not what, but who. You know that one senior I've been eyeing for the past two years now?" He smiled widely. "Shownu... We've kinda been talking and he wants to hang out with me later. Just me." I was happy for him, but I was definitely nervous.

"Keep your guards up, boy. You're a hopeless romantic, you'll drop them quickly." He nodded, still blushing. Changkyun was on Cloud 9. 

And a month later, Changkyun was tired of being a fuck buddy. And Shownu never liked being disobeyed. The video he'd taken, unbeknownst to Changkyun, had been shared all throughout the school. So much that teachers saw it. No wonder he snapped... "I'm so scared... I haven't seen him since... Since I... You know." I nodded, continuing to run my fingers through his hair. "I FaceTimed him... I wanted him to see what he'd done to me. I wanted him to witness what he caused. I wanted him to see it all. And that was the last time we were ever supposed to see each other." His body was shaking against my leg.

"I'm so sorry, Bubba." I sighed softly. We sat for a bit before suddenly, Changkyun laid down on the floor.

I furrowed my eyebrows wondering what the fuck he was doing until I looked up. "Hey... You look familiar." Shownu was standing at the door. 

I froze a bit. "Uhm. Yeah. I was Changkyun's best friend. Kihyun."

His face dropped slightly. "Oh... Hi, Kihyun. I-I didn't know." It was silent for a while. "Uhm... Do you know how he turned out?"

I was going to tell him the truth. That is, until I felt Changkyun grip my ankle. "I don't, no... What happened to him?" I asked.

Shownu looks heavy with regret. "You know he tried to kill himself right?" I nodded. "He... Did so much. I didn't think he was going to make it. And ever since then, I've had this anxiety about affecting anyone that bad. I never meant to hurt him like that." I rolled my eyes.

"You... You shared a video, that he didn't consent to, to the entire population of the school of what you called 'him being your personal cockslut' and teachers saw it. You got away with it because you were the prince of the school. Your father would've withdrawn athletic funding. They saw nothing wrong with you. But oh no, the young, naive boy who needed a little bit of affection from someone who didn't consent to the underage porn that was filmed was completely in the wrong." Now, I was getting angry. He wasn't a stupid boy, but that's how he was acting.

Shownu kept quiet for a second. "I'm sorry... I-I heard from some people that he was saved. Went to rehab. I just wanna have a chance to apologize to him. Because I have felt so bad for a while now. And he doesn't need to forgive me. But I wanna thank him as well."

I nodded. "If I find him, I'll send him your way. And what are you here for?" I asked.

"I uh... I've been struggling for a couple years with drug addictions. They want me here to make sure I'm getting a less addictive painkiller. I screwed up my hip in a car wreck." He pointed out his limp. "I was mixing Vicodin and oxy... And yeah. See you around." He began to leave the room. 

I nodded, "Good luck." With that, I looked down at Changkyun. "He's gone..." He peeked up to check and sat up. "You really should talk to him," I shrugged.

"Are you fucking insane?" He asked. "I can't face him. If he knew I made it... I don't want him to apologi-" 

He was cut off by Hyungwon coughing. "Hyungwon?" I asked, grabbing his hand. Changkyun moved out of my way as I stood up, getting closer to him. His eyes were slightly more open than before. "Jooheon's downstairs, so keep him away from this room. I'm getting his doctor. When his doctor leaves, you can bring him upstairs." I pressed the call button. It looked like he was trying to come out of his coma, but if he was choking, he needed relief now. "I got you, you're okay." When I felt him squeeze my hand, I knew he was waking up. He was panicking, not being able to breathe well. "Shh, you're okay. Hold on, baby." His doctor rushed in, trying to move me away from him so he could take out the breathing tube. Hyungwon began choking more, grabbing my hand tighter. "Wait no, stop! H-He doesn't want me to move." The doctor respected that, moving to the other side of the bed for easier access.

Once the tube was out, Hyungwon coughed and raspily tried to speak. "B-B... I-" His eyes fluttered shut, he was clearly frustrated.

"Hyungwon, don't try to speak..." I mumbled, kissing his cheek. I grabbed my phone, calling Jooheon and putting him on the speaker as the doctor left. "Changkyun's coming to get you. Come on upstairs. Hyungwon's awake."

I heard Jooheon talk to Minhyuk. "He wants to know if he can come with me." Hyungwon grabbed my arm.

"N-No..." He rasped out. "Can't," he coughed, tears streaming down his face as he was growing angrier. He quickly slammed his other hand down, crying harder. "Fuck." I felt so helpless.

Jooheon spoke up. "It's fine, Changkyun's here, I'll be there soon." 

After I hung up, I leaned down to kiss Hyungwon's cheek. "It's okay, you're okay." He shook his head softly.

"I you left... You left I..." He couldn't form a sentence properly as of right now.

I shook my head, "Stop talking." I already knew he needed rehabilitation for this, he didn't need to make it any worse.

Jooheon opened the door, smiling widely. "Wonnie!" He ran up to the bed, laying across his stomach. "You're awake! I love you so much. I-I've been doing so well in school. I went to a game today! Our team won. Are you proud of me?" He asked so sweetly.

Hyungwon smiled back at him. That's when I noticed the first sign of a long road back. Only the left side of his mouth smiled. "Very," he slurred.

Jooheon clearly noticed a problem too, but he didn't panic. He just reached up and pressed his emergency call button. My jaw dropped slightly. "You're gonna be okay, big brother. I believe in you. You've done and gone through so much. You can do this." Jooheon hugged him softly, Hyungwon hugging him with his left arm. He cried softly, causing me to drop tears. When the doctor came back, he checked his symptoms. "TIA," he looked back at his nurse. "Order three milligrams of Warfarin." I began to tap my fingers against my leg. We were celebrating too soon.


	27. twenty-seven.

Eventually, Hyungwon stayed stable enough for him to come home. The biggest struggle we came across was Hyungwon's memory. It suffered a lot. Even at home, I found myself policing Hyungwon's memory. He'd try to get Luna's attention while she was on duty for Jooheon. And I always had to remind him that she wasn't just a pet. Against my own wants, Minhyuk decided to stay to help out with both Hyungwon and Jooheon. "Kihyun," Minhyuk said, handing me a dish from the dinner table. 

"Hmm?" I asked softly, beginning to do the dishes. I was so tired of everything.

He stayed quiet a bit before taking a breath. "Are we good?"

I dropped my sponge in the water, my own breath stiffening. "What?" I turned back to look at him. "What did you just ask me?" I couldn't believe him.

"A-Are we good?" He asked again.

I scoffed. "I didn't think you had the audacity to even repeat that bullshit." I turned back to do the dishes. "You're my boyfriend's brother and you're another man just like my mother's boyfriend. Nothing more. Nothing special to me. Nothing different from any other man in this town." I rinsed the plate I was washing and set it to dry. "I don't even know why the fuck you asked some stupid fucking shit like that. You apologized to Hyungwon, and not me. You just played your sob story for me. You told him you were sorry for feeling me up. But didn't ever once even attempt to address me. You're like a goddamn roach that pops up uninvited. Only difference is you don't bring your friends to stay with you." I sighed softly, turning off the water and laying my head on the edge of the sink.

"Kihyun," Minhyuk sighed. "It's hard. It's really hard." I didn't want to hear it.

I stood up, turning back around to him. "All you ever wanted from your father was an apology, didn't you?" Minhyuk hesitantly nodded. "Why's that?" 

A simple answer, but a question that would open up his conscious. "Because he was wrong." Minhyuk began to shift uncomfortably.

"In what ways?" I asked. 

He thought for a second. "What he did to me... He was clearly wrong for that. Uhm... I can still be a man and ask for what I want. Men are allowed to cry. They don't have to me so abrasive and aggressive all the time. They don't have to crush spirits... You can be a man without being a dick." I saw tears brim his eyes.

"And you just took on everything you hated about him. So you need to be the bigger and better man. Apologize and change." I folded my arms, doubtful that my lesson would serve any purpose.

Minhyuk took a deep breath. "I'm so... So sorry Kihyun. I really am so sorry. I-I need help and I'm angry and hurt and I took it out on you. You've done nothing to me... I'm so sorry."

My eyes widened slightly. I didn't expect him to actually apologize. "Let's get them to bed and then let's talk, okay? You need someone to talk to... And I can listen well." With that, I dried my hands off, heading upstairs. 

Minhyuk helped Jooheon get ready for bed while I took care of Hyungwon. "Hey, sweetheart." His smiled was weak in one side still, but he was getting better at it.

His pet names still never failed to bring peace to my earth. "Hey, time for your medicine." 

Hyungwon immediately whined. "Once I take it, I'm out... You spend all the time you with me taking care of me..." He took my hand. "Why can't I take it a little bit later?" He was so sad, holding onto my hand tightly.

"You need the rest, baby." I sighed, getting his medicine ready. "You're going to wake up early, anyway. I'll be up for you okay?" He rolled his eyes. I didn't say what was on my mind. It was just a condescending lecture he didn't deserve.

I handed him his medicine. "Goodnight," he frowned softly.

I turned off the light, kissing him goodnight. "I'll be up later, okay?" He nodded, turning to lay down. I felt bed for sending him to bed, but I couldn't trust him to be unsupervised. I headed back downstairs to Minhyuk. "Alright. Talk." To be honest, I wanted to go to bed, but I promised him a conversation.

"My father was an evil man. And he was in my life until I was 9 or 10. He left because he said Jooheon was..." He looked upstairs and leaned in to whisper. "Fucked up." I nodded, following along. "And he ruined me, my mother... Even Jooheon. He's the reason Jooheon hates fighting and loud noises. But he was just abusive. I don't want to go too deep into it, you've probably heard it and seen it all before. He was just awful... And it hurts me still to this day. And I want to stop hurting." Minhyuk sighed softly. "I guess, I try to stop hurting by putting the hurt on others."

Before I could speak, I heard Hyungwon speak from the top of the stairs. "And? Gives you no right. You've done so much to me, who knows who else you've touched? That shit hurts in the same way. And luckily, I don't feel the need to hurt innocent people." Minhyuk went to respond, either with an apology or a confession.

I stopped him, getting up. "You are supposed to be asleep, what did you do with your medicine?"

"I just set it on my nightstand. I was going to take it, but damn it, I wanted my boyfriend and I wanted to spend time talking to him like an adult." He was getting upset quickly. "I tried to kill myself and failed. But living day to day, feeling sad for us is enough to drive me crazy enough to do it again." He scoffed, running his hands through his hair as he began to cry in frustration. "I just want to spend time with you, as Hyungwon and Kihyun. Not the suicide survivor and his nurse. You're more than that. You're my everything. And I want my everything." I shushed him quickly.

I helped him stand up, "Okay, okay baby. Let's go to bed." I let him lean on me as we went to our bedroom. I sat him down on the bed so I could change in the bathroom real quick. When I came back, the speech started. "Hyungwon, you're not gonna lose me, okay? I'll always take care of you, you always take care of me. Hell, you didn't even know me, and you watched over me. It's gonna be okay. You keep doing your therapies, I'll start mine... We'll get through it." I kissed him softly. And then it started.

Hyungwon pulled me closer to him, deepening our kiss. Eventually, I found myself straddling him, his hands resting on my thighs. And then he let out a frustrated groan, breaking away. "The doctor did say that it's possible for me to... You know. Didn't she?" 

I shrugged my shoulders. "I'm positive it is." I ran my fingers through his hair. "Get better first, then we'll worry about that." Hyungwon nodded, laying his head down. "Uh uh," I lifted his head back up. "I didn't say we had to stop doing exactly this." Hyungwon smirked and returned back to our kiss.


	28. twenty-eight.

"Jooheon!" I called from downstairs. Minhyuk had taken Hyungwon to the doctor's and I was having to deal with a Jooheon going through puberty and a breakdown on top of it. He was being extra defiant and I had to keep my patience. I didn't want to yell at him, ever in my life. But he was testing me more than an entitled child. "Jooheon, come on! We gotta finish your homework. You promised to work on it if I let you stay home today." I began to walk upstairs. "Why is your door closed?" I asked, opening it. "No more closed doors in this house." 

Jooheon rolled his eyes. "So when I take a shit and have some time to myself, I've got the door wide open for all of you to see?" He scoffed, returning to his laptop.

"Save the smart ass comments, come do your homework. You're going to want to finish yesterday's homework before Minhyuk comes with your new work." Jooheon wouldn't budge. "What's going on, buddy? You used to talk about anything with me."

Jooheon just shrugged his shoulders. "My sister died, my brother tried to kill himself, my other brother lives with me when I don't want him to... I'm also such a ball of defectiveness, hell I wanna die to."

I shook my head. "No, we aren't going to talk like this. Come downstairs and let's finish your homework." He wasn't budging.

"Oh come on Kihyun... Shit's fucked up for us. You can't tell me you don't hate life and how fucked up it is." 

I sighed softly, sitting down next to him on the bed. "Every day, I avoid mirrors because I don't want to see my body. I often wonder if a reset is all I need to make sense of what I've got or what I need. I hate myself enough as it is, without thinking about the shitty things that have happened to me or that I've done. So yes, suicide is always on mind." It felt good to admit it to someone. "But, it's not the answer." Jooheon looked up at me.

And just then, he began to cry and yelling came soon after. "It was the answer for Kyungie! It was the answer for her! So why can't it be the answer for me or you? Hyungwon or Minhyuk? Why was it only the answer for her?" I could hear his broken heart through his yelling. 

I shushed him quickly, pulling him into a hug. "There was no recovery for her, Jooheon. She was tired of hurting and she struggled to get back into easy waters. We are able bodied people. We can come back emotionally. We do it all the time."

He shook his head. "Hyungwon can't. He's fucking paralyzed. He's next isn't he? Not my brother... Please, he's next isn't he?" Jooheon began to shake, sending himself into a panic.

"Luna, up." I looked at Luna, getting her attention and having her lay on Jooheon. "Hyungwon's not paralyzed. He just needs help. He can walk, he just needs his cane for right now.  Sweetheart, everything will be better. I swear to you." Jooheon slowly began to calm down.

I heard the front door open and shut. Then it opened again. "Hyungwon, slow down!" Minhyuk groaned, closing the door.

"No!" Hyungwon yelled. I sighed, giving Jooheon his music, before heading downstairs. "She talked to me like I was fucking stupid." He sat on the couch.

Minhyuk sighed. "You kicked a fucking chair at her because you were frustrated. Nothing's going to happen to Jooheon."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "What happened?" I asked.

Hyungwon glared at me in a pissy mood. "The truancy officer decided to hold an impromptu fucking intervention when she saw me trying to make the rounds, getting Jooheon's school work. She threatened his placement at that school." He sighed a bit, running his hands through his hair.

"Minhyuk," I started. "Take Jooheon out for dinner and bring us back something as well." He nodded, getting Jooheon out of the house ASAP. 

Hyungwon held onto himself, "What'd you do that for?" He asked.

I decided to tell him what we talked about shortly before. "Jooheon needs close watching. He's talking about suicide a lot now and how fucked up life is. And he's scared that you're the next one of us to die." Hyungwon froze slightly. "Baby, we're all he's got. I will do anything to make you happy and help you. But you gotta let me in. You've been angry since Kyungwon died, which is understandable. But you're torturing not only yourself, but me and Jooheon. Hell, even Minhyuk. What do you need?"

Hyungwon slowly broke down into tears. "A lot." I took his hand, sitting next to him. "I want to provide the best for Jooheon and for you. And I can't do that because I decided to put a bullet in my fucking brain." I pulled him into an embrace, quickly trying to diffuse his upset.

"Do you..." All I knew how to do at this point was to offer myself up. "Do you want to take your mind off of all of this?" I asked.

Hyungwon furrowed his eyebrows. "We can't... I can't." He sighed softly, letting go of my hand. "The doctor said it's gonna take a while longer."

I kissed him harshly, leaning into him. Maybe going slow wasn't helping anything. Hyungwon finally relaxed into me. A few moments of kissing later and the front door opens again. "Oh, God!" I sighed, getting off Hyungwon.

"My bad, Hyungwon took my keys to open the front door... And shut the door in my face." Minhyuk walked over to Hyungwon, "Give me my keys."

Hyungwon rolled his eyes. "Fucking take them, asshat." Minhyuk reciprocated the rolling of the eyes as he began to pat Hyungwon down for his keys. He found them in his front pockets. 

I saw Hyungwon's eyes widen ever so slightly. "I'll see you later, and lose your bitter fucking attitude or I'll throw your food in the sewer." He gave him a small peck on the forehead before leaving.

I sighed softly. "You're so difficul-" I glanced at Hyungwon and traced the path of his gaze. He was looking down. When he looked up, his face was flushed with the beloved Crayola color of Embarrassed as Fuck Crimson. 

"I-I..." He couldn't speak.

But I could. "Nice to know your brother can still get you up instead of me, your boyfriend." I headed off to our bedroom. Maybe I was overreacting. But maybe I wasn't. It was involuntary, but it still did nothing but make me feel like I wasn't enough for Hyungwon. Or even anything at all for him.

I jumped out of my thoughts when I heard Hyungwon struggling to get up the stairs. I rushed out of the bedroom to see him, trying to walk up stairs without his cane helping him. "Kihyun, I'm sorry... But it wasn't him. It was a mix between you and then he just grabbed my keys... And something else. I'm sorry." When I saw his leg give out on him, I quickly made my way down to help him.

"Hey, it's fine." I smiled softly. Grab my arm and let's go... Take care of this little problem, huh?" He smiled a bit accepting my help.


	29. twenty-nine

We didn't go farther than handjobs. I know it pissed him off but he ultimately respected that I didn't want to go further than that. He was definitely well taken care of. "That..." Hyungwon took a deep breath, relaxing into the bed. "Was perfect... I wouldn't ask for anything more."

Just as we cuddled up next to each other, the doorbell rang. I sighed softly, getting up to go to the door. The mailman was there. "Is there a Yoo Sora here?" He asked.

It's very odd to have the mailman ask that question. I didn't quite understand, but I didn't want to be difficult. "Yes? Right here..."

He handed me his electronic pad. "Sign right here." I did so and he handed me a flat envelope, tipping his hat and wishing me a good day.

I headed back upstairs, sitting down next to Hyungwon. "This is... this is from our family lawyer..." I suddenly felt uneasy. I was going to be homeless. That's got to be the only thing.

"What is it?" Hyungwon asked. I slowly opened it, shaking my head. I didn't know and I almost didn't want to know. But once I opened it and fully read it, tears began pouring. "What? Baby, what is it?"

I looked up at him, smiling widely. "Inheritance... I-I get this house, officially. I get the money my mother earned, including her 401K. I- Oh my God." The tears wouldn't stop. Hyungwon held my hand as he wiped my tears. "I have money for therapy, hormones, and surgeries." Hyungwon's eyes widened, his own tears starting.

"Get the fuck out of here... are you serious?" He asked. I nodded, throwing myself into his arms.

I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders. "God, Mama... thank you for finally listening to me." I wished to have her be the one I was hugging. I did really miss my mother. I never wanted her to go, and I still often wondered what was the true reason she killed herself. I looked over the envelope again, my questions about to be provided with answers.

It was her letter. "Hey," Hyungwon said, taking the letter out of my hand. "You don't need to read this yet... not yet."

I shook my head. "I needed to read this when she died." Hyungwon hesitantly handed over the letter, I needed to get it over and done with...

Kihyun,

Sweetheart, I know this hurts, it feels like the one thing you never got was an accepting mother, protective mother. A mother in general. And maybe, you've never hear me say your name. I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that. You didn't deserve to grow up in fear, alone. I'm sorry.

Your father died before you were born. And I know that's weird to have never known him. On the way to the hospital, while I went into labor, he got into an accident. No seat belt, ejected from his seat, instantly gone. I almost lost you because I couldn't bring myself to even pick you up and feed you. While you stayed in the nursery, I was visiting with psych. We couldn't leave until I picked you up, held you, fed you, bathed you, changed you and clothed you. Being hit with his death put me in the worst place as a mother. You deserved to be put up for adoption. And that's nothing negative with you. I always wanted you. I've always wanted to be a mother, to be your mother. I was never the best mother I could've been. A woman who couldn't have a baby that prepared to give her all to be a mother to a child would've been a better mother. I don't think I was ever your mother. I commanded respect that I had never given. I didn't protect you.

Kihyun, you are my son. And I'm proud of the son I've watch grow. I'm just sorry that I didn't let you grow easily. I held onto Sora so much. Your father chose that name. And it's insane to know I wasted so much time fighting for Sora. When both Sora and Kihyun were our top chosen names. When you asked to be called Kihyun, told me to call you Kihyun... I cried that night. And I think you heard me. But it wasn't because I was disappointed. I just began to miss your father more.

I'm sorry, sweetheart. I do love you. I just can't stay anymore.

The tears were nauseating. I didn't know how to feel about it. Hyungwon kisses my cheek softly. "Baby, get better. You and Jooheon get better, please. I can't lose anyone else." I got up and got dressed, going for a walk.

All was well and good until a familiar vehicle pulled up next to me. "What are you walking around for? Need some money?"

I shook my head, fighting the urge to strangle the driver. "Don't you ever get tired of being an immature dickhead, Wonho?" He was part of Shownu's group. So damn disrespectful and a douchebag overall.

"Don't you ever get tired of being used?" I had to keep walking. "Awe, baby what's wrong? Mama doesn't support you still?"

I turned on my heel, facing his vehicle. "Keep my mom's name out your fucking mouth, you motherfucking bitch."

Wonho just laughed. "Keep your mother out of the streets and I will." I rushed up to his window, grabbing him by the collar.

"Shut the fuck up," I yelled in his face. "Didn't your mama try to sell you for drugs? Or did she give you up in exchange for drugs. No, wait. She needed her medicine and you gave it to her, right? You gave her an overdose of heroin?" He stopped almost immediately.

I saw another car pull up, the one I was glad to see. "Kihyun, let's go," Changkyun pulled up.

Wonho began laughing as I ran over to Changkyun's car. "Still pining after her, Changkyun? How was the fucking looney bin?" We drove off, riding almost nowhere.

"She wrote me a friggin' letter..." I sighed. "I have enough money to pay for my transition."

Changkyun nodded. "But?" He knew something else was on my mind.

Things were moving fast in my life, but I think I've gotten used to it. I can't process it, but I can't stop it either. "I do love Hyungwon... and I feel bad for him." I bit my lip, looking at my lap. "He has a kid he can't see. But he still has to do so much for that child. That he doesn't ever get to know." Changkyun sighed softly.

"I swear to God, Kihyun, if you say what I think you're gonna say, I might kill you." I said nothing more.

When we pulled up to the house, Hyungwon and Jooheon were sitting down in the kitchen for dinner. "Hey Ki," Jooheon smiled.

"Hey kid," I ruffled his hair. "Can you go to your room real quick?" He didn't hesitate to leave.

Hyungwon chuckled. "What was that for?" He asked.

I sat down, taking his hand. He looked me dead in the eye, realizing I was serious. "Let's have a baby."

Hyungwon froze, trying to decipher what I'd just said. "L-Like a baby? Who's gonna carry it?" He was actually pretty worried to.

"Me," I shrugged. "The baby would be ours, seriously. And after this kid, I can freeze my eggs and then go ahead and transition.

There was silence for a bit. "Are you sure?" I nodded, smiling softly. "We can stop whenever, but come on." Hyungwon stood up and smiled, taking my hand. "Let's go make a baby."


	30. thirty.

Hyungwon took care of me. He avoided my hips as he let me take over. He held me up by my back, kissing me all over. The sex was mind blowing. Simply because he took care of me. And since I was in love with him, it automatically intensified every feeling Changkyun gave me and more. It hit me right then and there that I was actually in love with Hyungwon.

We kept it up, once a week. I wasn't sure how much I could actually handle. However, his health was doing well. After a few weeks and a missed period, I had to take a test. I was excited yet nervous. "What if I didn't do it?" I asked Hyungwon, waiting for the test to come up.

"Then we'll keep trying," he smiled. "If this one didn't take, we'll keep trying, Kihyun."

I smiled softly, anxiously waiting for the news. I looked up at the test, sighing softly. "I can't tell..." I whined a bit, handing it to Hyungwon.

He looked at it, tilting it. "The second line is getting stronger... Damn. It's almost an extra positive."

I giggled a bit. "I'm pregnant?" I asked, looking down at where one of his hands laid. I placed mine on top of his.

"You're pregnant, Kihyun." Hyungwon picked me up, kissing me softly. I was happy and excited, truly. But I wasn't kissing him back. Maybe he didn't notice. "You're not kissing me back," he whispered. Fuck, he noticed.

I had no response. "I-I'm sorry." I gave him a small peck back.

Hyungwon scoffed a bit, backing away from me. He just shook his head as he walked downstairs. I bit my lip, nervous about how he took that. I didn't want to not kiss him back. There were memories creeping into my mind. And it scared me. And there was no one to understand that except for Changkyun. But he didn't want to see me either, probably disgusted with the fact that I put my transition on the back burner for Hyungwon's need to be a father. Suddenly, none of this was a good idea.

As I finally emerged from the bathroom, I heard Hyungwon on the phone with someone. "Yeah, we need to hang out some time, smoke something."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Who is that?" I asked.

He talked for a bit before he hung up. "My friend, he's coming over soon." I didn't want company, but I didn't wanna tell him that. I disappointed him enough. I walked up to him, grabbing him and pulling him into a kiss. He shook his head and pulled away. "No, don't make up for anything, you're fine."

I shook my head, messing with my jeans. "I-I don't feel fine. I feel dirty, I feel violated, I fee-" Hyungwon shushed me, grabbing my hands.

"You feel like you made a mistake? That we shouldn't be having a baby?" I couldn't tell if he was being an asshole or if he was being understanding. His tone was indistinguishable.

I shook my head. "Wh-When I found out I was pregnant last? Hyungwon, that hasn't been the only time. And my body has been through hell and back. I'm scared. This body, it isn't mine and it never has been mine. It belongs to every person who has ever used me. And now it'll belong to a little baby for nine months, if we even get that. I'm just scared and you cannot hate me for being scared." I whimpered.

Hyungwon sighed softly. "I know, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to slight you. I'm scared too." He kissed my forehead, bringing a bit of balance back to my earth. "Why didn't you tell me about any other time? H-How many times have you been pregnant?"

The fact that I had to count and take a while longer to remember any scares, it was ridiculous. "At least six, not including this one. When I was younger, Abraham would just terrorize my body into not carrying. How would anyone explain a 12 or 13 year old going in for an abortion? I remember a few times where I begged Changkyun to hurt me, for the same effect. But by that time I was old enough. This isn't my first rodeo, Hyungwon, but my body's gonna think I'm trying to end it again. I'm scared of actually losing the one thing I really want in this body." I twiddled with my fingers. After a few moments of silence, the bell rang.

"Damn were you in the neighborhood, man?" Hyungwon chuckled as he got to the door. My heart dropped to my stomach and beat rapidly when his friend stepped inside.

I was fucked. "Bro, you know I drive like a bat out of hell. Who's this?" He asked, pointing to me.

"Oh! This is Kihyun, my boyfriend." Hyungwon took my hand. "Kihyun, this is my friend, Wonho."

I nodded. "I've met him. Hey, is it okay if Changkyun comes to get me? I don't want to interfere with bro time." Wonho took my hand instead.

"Nonsense, come smoke with us." I shook my head, yanking my arm away.

Hyungwon noticed. "Come here," he said, taking me outside. "Did he fucking do something to you too? I swear to God..."

He was getting angry. I couldn't let him get in trouble. "Nothing... he just, he was friends with a group of people that hurt Changkyun a lot. And he helped and I can't betray him like that." Not a lie, just not the whole truth. Lie by omission, I suppose. "Babe, lemme just go over there. Please?" Not that I needed his permission, I was used to asking.

Half an hour later, I found myself in Changkyun's living room. "So," he sighed. "Did you do it? You ditched me for like a month." I bit my lip looking down. "Oh, my God. Really? Why the fuck would you do that?"

I looked away. "I-I love him, okay? And I want a family with him." Changkyun was getting fed up.

"Are you a gender trender, Kihyun? Or are you just trans to reject the fact that men have used you?" My heart sunk like a fucking rock. Why would he ever say shit like that to me?

I look at him deep into his eyes. "Changkyun... what's wrong?" He wasn't himself. His pupils were gigantic.

He glared at me. "You. Are pregnant. When it feels like just last week I was beating your ass for you to miscarry. And I never wanted to put a fucking hand on you. Now, you're volunteering to be an incubator."

I scoffed, biting my lip a bit. "And it feels like last week, I was sitting alone in the halls and Wonho came up to me and cornered me. It feels like just last week you were gone. Feels like you almost killed yourself last week. The fuck is wrong with you?" I didn't want to hold back. "I'm going to be a parent, Changkyun." He shook his head, the next few sentences sending a shock throughout my body.

"No, you fucking aren't! Your body is going to fail you. You're betraying it and it will betray you. Please, with the way you were raised? No wonder your father left."

Tears formed at the brim of my eyes. "What do you mean? What do you mean left? He killed himself!" When he went quiet, I slapped him and screamed at him. "Answer me!" He fell down, breathing shallowly. "Oh my God... No. No, buddy get up. Come on." I called 911, searching his body. "Yeah hello, I got my friend down, he's barely breathing..." I felt his front pocket and almost broke down to the point of no words. "I'm here..." I grabbed the bag out of his pocket. "He was fucking speedballing." I rushed to the front door and opened it up for the paramedics.

I waited for the operator to hang up on me before I called Hyungwon. "Hey baby," he sighed softly.

"Are you smoking weed?" I asked.

He went quiet for a bit. "A little bit. Why?" He asked.

I ran outside to see if the paramedics were coming. When I came back, Changkyun was choking, seizing up. "Oh my God! Kyunnie, no please..."

That alerted Hyungwon. "Kihyun, what happened?" He asked, keys jingling. I didn't want Wonho to come see this.

"Have Wonho drop you off at the hospital, bring your keys. Tell Minhyuk to keep Jooheon for a little bit, and for God's sake, I don't want drugs in my fucking house right now!" I was panicking, trying to get Changkyun on his side. "Kyunnie, I got you. It's me, buddy. I love you, just hold on. I got you."

Hyungwon took me home later that night. "You've done everything you could for him, Kihyun." I knew it. But the words he said were hurting me.

"He said... He asked me if I was a trender. If I was trans to reject the fact that men have used me. He said I'm an incubator. He thinks I won't be able to raise my child." And the last thing was killing me. "Hyungwon... he said something that makes me think my dad's alive." He furrowed his eyebrows. "He died on the way to see me be born. Right? He died when I was born." He couldn't answer me. No one could. Only Changkyun could.

Hyungwon took my hand. "Let's go take a shower and go to bed, baby. And if you, Kihyun, have any doubts. Tell me. But do not let anyone influence what you think about our baby. I will do whatever you want. I don't ever want to take advantage of you. I promise you. Tell me you don't want to carry the baby because you're dysphoric or in danger, not because Changkyun thinks you will be. Promise me." I nodded, kissing him softly as we went upstairs together.


End file.
